Guest Post by Susi Costello
Today I wrote a note to the mom of a 22 year old girl who died.
I wanted to say don’t believe those other cards. The ones that say “time heals” and “God only takes the best” and “may your sorrows be lessened.” You’ll only be disappointed.
I wanted to say this is the most heart-wrenching, chest-crushing, breath-stealing tragedy on earth.
I wanted to tell her there will be days she wants to die, and friends who will not understand some of the things she does or says.
I wanted to tell her she will still feel her daughter’s presence at times, sometimes so strongly that it is as if she is dancing just at the edge of whatever activity is going on. And other times she might not feel her presence at all.
I wanted to tell her that her life will not go back, that she will never be the same, because a piece of her left with her daughter.
And that even though the pain does not go away, somehow her soul will eventually make enough room so she can hold it all— the grief, the pain, the joy and the love.
I wanted to tell her… but I didn’t.
Instead, I wrote— I’m sending love, for words are pointless right now.
And that is the truth.
Susi Costello is the mother of four smart, funny sons in their 20s and a beautiful daughter who died a few hours after she was born 44 years ago. She is a psychiatric nurse and yoga teacher who works with people who have experienced severe trauma.
Text and images © Angela Miller and A Bed For My Heart 2012-2017. All rights reserved.
Lori Reddy says
I lost my five month old daughter almost 16 years ago. I went on to have three more daughters. I’ve never been able to put into words what this grief feels like. You did. And I thank you. Just beautiful.
Thank you for expressing what I cannot with words. Losing a child is the most heart breaking tragedy that you don’t get over- you just learn to live with it. A touching and beautiful message
I lost my 44 year old daughter last Christmas to Hashimoto Disease. We didn’t even know she had it. She just died with no warning. I will never be the same. I just want to scream and cry until I die. She two boys behind and I also grieve for them. I still have my doubts if I will make it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am reading this article because I recently lost my 21 year old daughter. I have to ask, though….I have Hashimoto’s…how did this cause her death because this is scaring me…I have 3 other children….what happened to her that caused her death from this disease?
I lost my 45 year old daughter to cardiac arrest two years ago. At first I thought that the pain would go away at a certain point. Now two years later I realize my grief is here to stay. No one can truly understand what is like. I have had people say “you’ve changed”. Of course I have! A part of me is gone forever. The thing about grief is that just when you are feeling a little better it comes back with a vengeance. I find that noise and crowds bother me. I find that I am more sensitive to being hurt. There definitely is a cloud that seems to keep my “old happiness” from me. Yes, I talk and laugh but, beneath it all there is a profound sadness that those that have not been through this do not understand
Cheryl Dwyer says
Thank you. People say strange things after a death or other loss. They don’t know the right words and sadly blurt out whatever they think is right, only realizing later what they said is probably the last thing a grieving loved one needed to hear.
Blessings and thanks, truly.
I lost my first born daughter Kortnie at birth 25 years ago, not a day goes by that I don’t think about her, especially when I look at my 2 other daughters, I can’t help but wonder what an amazing girl she would have been, just like her sisters. Losing a child is the most heart wrenching tragedy that you never recover from, you just learn to live with the hole in your heart.
That is the truth, plain & simply put! I lost my son tragically 2 and 1/2 yrs ago, the pain, oh the pain, just prior to reading your post I read a thread by my 3 sisters, it was telling of their joys spending the summer with their intact families, it ripped at my heart, reminding me of something I’ll never ever have again. It hurt to read about their happiness. it made me feel quilty for feeling envious, Life goes on & I feel empty, the pain eating away at my soul. But as you say, the truth is there are no words…it’s pointless, there is nothing anyone can say. Love is what you need!
Kathy Leonard says
Yes, I know that pain all too well-the pain of feeling like an outsider looking in-no longer a parent.
Regardless how hard you worked at parenting, how much strength and energy you put into it, you are now striped of the title of ‘parent’.
You have no fresh stories about what your children did today, or last week, or last month, or last year….and no one is interested in your memories, though they are so precious to you.
What do you do with yourself when your children leave this world ahead of you? What do you do with the remainder of your time on Earth?
I garden, read, write, but mostly think about the grandchildren that God blessed me to have in exchange for my own children.
Still, my heart breaks; I feel tired. I feel alone.
Nancy Jo Marcet says
Your loss is felt, empathy is only shared when another has the same relentless emptiness crushing their heart. You are one lucky lady to have grandchildren to cherish! I have two little boys given my son’s name from his wonderful friends. These boys I call “grandchildren” and love them dearly~
I can relate to how hard it is to see life goes on. I lost my 23 yr old son 3 yrs ago an with every new restaurant or galaxy upgrade it tears at my heart. Any new technology or even the many snap shots that don’t include him now is unbearable. I stay frozen in time not wanting life to go on without him. Still life goes on an there are no words to describe the pain of watching it happen without your child. Only can one on the same journey understand this an that is okay. Wouldn’t want anyone to have to understand losing a child because that would mean they endure the same grief. Only wish people could understand that they can’t begin to understand an love indeed is all they can really offer. Heartache of Losing a child is a lifetime sentence that will never leave us and an endurance to unbearable for anyone to understand other than those who have lost a child an the good Lord above. By the grace of God an Gods promise of a joyful reunion gives me the hope to hold on for the day I’m reunited with my son. For now I seem to remain frozen in time.
I can totally relate. Its been 10 years for me losing my son at age 18. I feel frozen still and think of all the what ifs. God bless you. Stay strong!!
I too lost my son 10 years ago this thanksgiving..he too was 18. I still cry and feel the pain like it was yesterday. my family tells me…its almost 10 years..you should be doing better than this. WHAT…how do any of them know what I live with everday of my life. That saying everyone loves to say…Time heals all wounds is a lie to me. Actuaally to me…time makes the wound worse. i constantly think…what would he look like…would he be married…have children..on and on. No words can describe this pain.
Lynda Willis says
I wait. My 28 year old daughter died 3 years ago. And I wait to be with her. My soul is shredded. I grieve. I try to do good. And I wait.
I lost my son last year his birthday is Dec 7 and I am shattered. Your thoughts here help put mine into perspective.
Chistpher's mama says
Exactly this!! I’m
Constantly reminded through social media of my sister and friends and how their life just goes on perfectly. Family trips to Europe, Hawaii, etc… I know rationally they don’t post that shit to upset me but… yeah it hurts. I’m only 6 months out from my 23 year old son completing suicide and in this short of time I have trouble understanding how other people go onwith their lives and I’m just stuck in this grief. Even short getaways don’t really help they just make you feel like more of an outside or better yet social outcast. Sucks super hard but hoping to someday live life somewhat normally again, just don’t see how that is possible at this time.
I’m 7 months from my 25 year old son taking his own life. I have endured the first christmas, his 26th birthday and Mother’s Day as well as every other day that he’s not been here. I spend most of my time alone as I find the normalcy of life too hard to bear at the moment. I am doing my best to look after myself, be kind to myself to build my capacity to carry this pain and his loss with me for the rest of my life. My online supports have been my lifeline. I am seeing a therapist and I also joined a Writing Your Grief group run by Megan Devine over at Refuge in Grief. I’m not a writer but her 30 day course really helped me. Love to you and all the other grieving parents here.
Susie Lopez says
So much truth in every word you said. I am a grandma to an angel, my lil Elena was 6 months, she left us a lil over a year ago, my heart aches as if it was just yesterday. Today at work I saw an 18 month old with her gma and she was crying, and it triggered so much inside me, she would be that age, I wanted to be that gma. The tears just started flowing, luckily I have such understanding coworkers. I’ve been thru alot of death in my family, but none compares to this pain and heartache
My hearts feels your pain I am a grandma to my angel Athena, I lost her to a tragedy at 18 months old, and it’s been 18 since she went to heaven to be with her daddy. Every time I see a grandma and their granddaughter I feel the same way.
Aleta Whitely says
This is so what I go through everyday since the 2011 Joplin tornado…my Two oldest grandchildren died ….there are so many things that trigger the pain…and yes loosing grandchildren to me also has been the hardest of any lose I have experienced..and it is so hard to see our child go through the pain of loosing their children…
So sorry for your loss. I lost my son 6 years ago. I have often thought the only thing worse would be seeing one of my children endure the loss of their child. There would be no comfort I could give.
Marty Chavers says
I lost my 4 month old daughter 29 years ago. I’ve never gotten past that, but did learn to live with it. Now I lost my 28 year old son to suicide and this is unbearable. Every word in this article is true.
Rebecca Sue Brotherston says
I am so sorry for your losses Marty, I too lost my only son, 33 years old to suicide 16 months ago. I know the “unbearable” you speak of…. Sending you much love. Rebecca
I almost lost my daughter when I was 12 weeks pregnant with her, in 1984, somehow she clung in there then 18 months ago on 4th July ’14, when she was 29, she took her own life. My heart goes out to you for your losses. Xx
Linda Stone says
My son was 28 when I lost him to suicide 6 years ago. Sending love to you, and the hope for healing for the both of us.
Linda McLean says
Marty, I also lost 2 children. In 1973 I lost my firstborn, 29 days before her 9th birthday, to cancer. She left behind a 6 yr old Sister & I was pregnant with my 3rd child. With God, friends, & family, I made it through the years. In 1982 I gave birth to my 2nd Son. With a 15 yr old & a 9 yr old, it was quite a surprise. What a blessing his life was. He put us through some rough times but became a wonderful young man. In 2012, on his 3 month wedding anniversary, he met some people in a busy mall parking lot to sell something he had posted. His older Brother was with him. The 2 thugs shot him & ran. He succumbed to his injuries. He was 30 yrs old. Next month will be 5 years & I feel like I’m going to die everyday. My heart is so broken that it’s hard to make it through a day. I have 2 friends, in other states, that have lost 2 children each. Over the yrs I’ve heard “I don’t know how you do it” or “you’re the strongest person I know”. If they only knew the silent suffering of a Mother who has lost a child.
Know that you aren’t alone
Such beautiful words and so very true! Many people don’t understand. My daughter, Summer, died just before she was born 7 yrs ago on the 29th of September and it’s a pain. No pain killers or antidepressants can take away that. At times it cripples you so badly you cannot breathe! I have had two more daughters, but there’s nothing that can put the piece of my heart back! Until we meet again… xxxx
I lost my only child. He was only 23. In a blink all I had that was mine was gone. All the words written is exactly how I feel on any given day! Everyday I am tormented!!
Deborah I lost my son (also in his 20’s) on November 5, 2015. I totally relate to what you have said. I too, cannot believe people say “you will get over it” or “things will get better”. Things will never be the same, that’s all I know. Sending virtual hug your way…..
Thank you. I lost my beautiful fifteen year old daughter 15 long months ago. People have said all the well meaning phrases you mention. All they do is add
More pain. Your honesty is what I needed someone to acknowledge that the worst thing ever had happened and that the pain will be unrelenting and unforgiving but ultimately we have to walk with it and not through it as there is no other side instead it becomes a constant companion sometimes gentle and sometimes turbulent but always there xxxx
You have touched my heart. Your empathy, wisdom and courage are so needed in this traumatized world. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and resiliency. Blessings!
Sarah Aumann says
Thank you for writing this, not just thinking this I could have had 4 boys but Arthur -24- died 6 weeks ago. I cannot describe the pain, articulate it, put it in beautiful, descriptive words. You’ve done this for me.
This is so true. I lost my 22 year old daughter and my niece in June. Words are pointless and unfortunately words expressed are usually those off a hallmark card. To me actions speak louder than words.
I am also the mother of four fun and awesome young men (ages 18 to 26) and the mother of a daughter who died the day before her (full term) birth almost 20 years ago. Your words really hit home for me. I have too many friends and family who have buried their wonderful children since we lost our daughter and I also have held back on things I wanted to say. Fortunately, their are wonderful people like you, who put into words what I can’t. I am sharing this with all of my bereaved family and friends.
Those words are so true. I lost my 19 year old son on 4/3/15 in a tragic car accident. He was on his way to see his girlfriend and was hit by a semi. I had just spoken to him 50 minutes before he was killed. I have had all kind of things said to me. People don’t understand why I am not over it since it has been almost 10 months. Really, I am just supposed to be okay a few months after losing my wonderful son right before his 20th birthday? I am coming up on his date of death and another birthday here in a few months. I didn’t get to be with him on his 20th now I don’t get him on his 21st neither. I am watching all his friends flip over and turn 21 and all I can think about is all the things I am missing. I will never get to see him graduate college, get married, have children. He loved kids and I know he would have had at least a couple if not more. He was going to college to be and engieerer something he wanted to be every since elementary school and was doing great at Southern Poly only to be driving down the road and then no more!
I lost my 20 year old son just a few months before his 21st birthday. He also was in college. It has been nine months now and all I do is think of him. Same thing you said … I think of what a good husband, father, and uncle he would have been. I grieve for the loss of not only him, but what would have been his and subsequently mine. I see all of his friends turning 21 and 22 and it kills me to know that he will always be my 20-year old son. I grieve for my younger son and older daughter. They lost part of their future as well. What will it be like when my younger son is older than his older brother ever was? It just breaks my heart for all of us.
Zeina Ballou says
I am mother for 4 heavenly kids …. I am with you , the time never heal your pain, but teach how to live with pain ……. you’re right ,I felt that I am not the same person after my losses ……
Very well said. I lost my 19 yr old daughter almost 8 yrs ago this October and there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think of her, miss her, wish she was here and catch myself picking up the phone to call her. Some days are better but some are worse. Even today people don’t understand how I can be the way I am or go on from day to day life and other days I am a complete wreck.
These are things I wish on no one to go through.
Losing any one close is always a tragedy, but losing a child at any age is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. ..
In April of 1995 I lost a new born son the day after he was born,It was the hardest thing I had endured up until then in my life, and the only thing that pulled me thru was my 12 & 4 year old daughters, and my mother, flash forward to 2008, and that 4 year old daughter is now18, and freshly graduated, she sweet, and funny and smart, she’s focused & strong, beautiful inside and out and fiercely independent and we’ll love by countless people. On a Sunday afternoon she went free climbing, and lost her footing on a cliff side she had climbed many times, falling 30 feet eventually put on a respirator because she was brain dead,but her last wish was to be an Organ donor, which she full filled,.. Losing my 18 year old was almost unbearable, but We had spoken often of death, of what if’s and should it come to our home again, we’d be ready, .. I wasn’t,
And again the only thing that got me thru was my 12 year old son (“rainbow baby”, ) his pain and grief pulled me into action,
I love your poem, there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, it’s a very personal journey each must navigate at their own speed, there is no time frame, or wrong way to grieve.. That’s what my children’s deaths have taught me…
Thank you for your beautiful poem, .. You’re right there are no words..
I am so sorry my story is a lot like yours I lost my first daughter at a year old she needed a heart and lung transplant I was pregnant with my second daughter she is now 22 with my first grandson a couple years after I had my second daughter I had twins they were born three months premature and weighed less than two pounds apiece both of them were Fighters and very strong and they made it up until three years ago when l lost one of my twins at 16 to a tragic drowning accident .
Deb Baltenberger says
I am so sorry. I have feared what you experienced more than anything else over the years since Melanie’s death. My son is now a police officer and my daughters (both Rainbow babies) are away from home now. One in Atlanta and one away in graduate school. I try to keep from thinking about it, but a phone call anytime after midnight… takes my breath away.
I am so sorry for your first loss… and now for your 2nd. I cannot imagine.
Ashley Root says
I lost my unborn child 2 years ago, time don’t heal anything… I just get worse. I never found out if it was a girl or a boy, I lost the baby when I was 8 weeks pregnant…. I miss the baby more than anything.
My sister lost her 5 year old boy last summer. I shared this with her. Thank you.
Soul sister says
Amazing emotions ..
Most important grieving has no time or limits its so personal undefined undescibable unacceptable with suicide .. Unforgotten
Unspoken – no words
Joanne Collett says
The call I’ve dreaded has come he is about to leave … A Million shock like emotions a single scram Please No! My fifty year old son who has been dying a slow painful death of Nasalphangeal cancer can fight no longer… Sunrise,Sunset day after night. Night after day! Please No!
Joanne Collett says
This is a club no parent wants to join……and yet here we are!
My daughter lost three babies …..Julie, Ann and Nicholas…..one of the girls passed in her mother’s womb…the other died moments after birth…. Nicky also, lingered in his mother’s and fathers arms just a few fleeting minutes…..They are my Grandchildren….I love them…if asked I say I have 7 Grands. I celebrate the blessing of their lives….No matter how short..we are different because they came. Softer in our judgement, of others in pain…..keenly aware of crippling sadness…not ours, but others…And ever careful to extend our hearts….My Three Grands accomplished all that…In mere minutes….They are Amazing!
Kirsten Reimer says
I am so sorry for your losses. I lost a son this past August 6 hours after birth and it is true that their lives are so incredibly impactful. The pain of losing him after longing for, conceiving, and carrying him is immense but I am also so grateful for his life and time here with us. I know I will see him again. Sending much love to you and your daughter and her family.
Joanne Collett says
Thank You I’m saddened at the lose of your son, since I posted last, I too have lost my son to cancer On Oct. 5 tomorrow he would have been 51.. He fought for two years… But I want you to know I understand your lose is different .. I had my son for almost 51 years… Your sweet baby never got the chance to see what life would bring him. He did have his precious short life in your womb close to your heart. I am sad he couldn’t tell you, him self, but he did know and share your love in the closest place to both your hearts. We are at least blessed as mothers to feel them even if no one else can. May his memory be a blessing to you and your family!
I lost my oldest son at 24, 24 years ago. I lost my youngest son at 40 five years ago. These were my only children. Your words touch my heart. Sending love is so much better than words. Thank you for what you do.
My daughter passed 9 years 9 months ago. She passed in the night of a brain aneurism, she was 33.
Today my oldest daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My youngest was diagnosed with with kidney failure three weeks ago.
I had three daughters. I am beyond heart broken.
Deb Baltenberger says
Today, well 26 years ago today. I did the last thing I ever wanted to do. Burying her was almost worse than the 2 plus days since she died. Amazingly, to this day – I dislike taking a shower in my own bathroom because it was while I was in the shower on the morning of November 15, 1990 that I realized what we were having to do. She was 7 days old, having been born with massive and multiple heart defects. We didn’t know she was sick until the night she died. She was born November 6, 1990 at 7:03 am. She died November 13th at 3:47 am. 6 days, 20 hours, and 44 minutes after she officially entered our lives. But even in death, she was still there. We could see her, touch her, smell her… we could more than imagine. Burying her took the last bit of physical away. I could no longer wrap her in my arms and keep her warm… it is true, there are no words! But I promise, we all know we are together, just by the looks we share.. we know. It is a shared sorrow that runs deeper than any of us imagined was possible. And yet – we live on for those who came before and/or those who came after.
You wrote to your friend just 12 days before my Wonderful son Tom, died, without warning in his sleep; aged 29 from a seizure.
On the day you wrote this, I would have no true, understanding of your words….
Thank you for sharing this.
Tom dances beside me, around me, and with me…and at times he is away; dances with others, but his love, his goodness, his big heart, his humility, his courage and his love for life are tucked within me, always. I am blessed; beyond measure to be his Mum.
Thank you, Susi, for sharing words that resonate, when there are no words; just love xxx
Judy says says
I’ve lost a 7 month old granddaughter 15 yrs ago from meningitis and a 36 yr old son from cancer 5yrs ago. Time does not heal I think about both everyday. My Granddaughter maybe was with us a short time but I can still hear the sound of her little baby laugh. I miss the talks I had with my son. Even though I have 4 other children and many grandchildren, getting together is not the same, because they’re not there. Grief still hits at the oddest of times. I’ve lost my husband too, and believe me I loved him wth my whole heart and sole, but nothing compares to the loss of a child. Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem.
Today I read your post and it resonates..as I approach the 3rd year memorial of my only son who passed over at age of 30 in a foreign country I did not get to see him or say goodbye..and I only received his ashes.my world shattered and it never been the same..friends left family don’t speak about him..just silence…and I don’t know why he had leave so tragically …he was a beautiful soul..why did this life choose me to experience a humans worst nightmare…but somehow all I know is to move…it is like I was propelled to change…so i choose love and married a beautiful soul immigrated all in one year! I shocked everyone close to me…..at times I wonder would I have done this..if my Eddie was alive..No..cause he was my world..then my world shattered on 30 11 2013…and I ran into the arms of love the pain is unbearable and my soul needed love..so I changed my world…and yet today I wonder…..
Joanne Collett says
I under stand, the loneliness of being in a room filled with people you love and care for… But one is missing. And I think it was horrible to see my son die over two years of treatment for a cancer there is no cure but then I knew he was dying yes it was unthinkable. But to have your loving child ripped from you in an instant. I wonder if I would survive. My depression swallows me day by day. I hardly leave the house I’m alone. My daughters live a thousand miles away and don’t seem to understand my loneliness. God bless you and your love. We all need love. It’s your turn now. I married a man 25 years my senior after divorcing my children’s father. I had never knew what it was to be loved like he loved me. He past Five years ago and my son passed this October 5…. He would have been 51 tomorrow November 17. I have never felt so alone.
Dear Joanne, my heart walks beside yours and I’m sending you some love from a chilly, bright and beautiful day in the UK. xx
sheila hall says
there are to many words yet not enough to express my deepest heart wrenching pain for what you are going threw ,i dont know the what where or the why’s ,of a child or anyone committing suicide other than the pain inside of them was to great to go on ,i am 59 yrs old & i have been there many times myself but didnt go threw with it ,no matter the reason ,you loved your child and i am sure always was there and did your best for your son ,he will be till your last breath in your heart ,in your thoughts ,just whisper his name for he will always be with you ,,night before last my 16 yr old grandaughter told her dad she was moveing back home to her moma ,she has only been here for 1 1/2 yrs cos she was done & over with the life & lies she lived threw with her mom for 15 yr ,my son is 41 ,he was devasted ,he cried his heart out away from her ,he said he should just blow his brains out ,,yes ,,this is a cry of help & understanding ,so once again as a mom i will have to pay more attention to his words ,his actions ,for fear he may committ suicide ,there are to many children & adults today who committ suicide ,for what ever reason ,bullying ,broken hearts ,feeling alone even in a crowd of family & friends ,i am not going say the pain will go away ,but i will tell you hold onto all the memories ,the good ,the bad,the ugly ,he was your son and as i said im sure he tried his best to escape from his demons he held for so long ,i wished i had better answers ,something that could help you ,i send you hugs & love and prayers always that 1 day ,you will be sitting or standing some place and you will smile or laugh cos of a memory or all your memories of your son ,,God bless you ,,,,,,,,,,,
Sadly..I dont really think we can prevent even holding with bumpers on as we want to with children growing know though we all are to let go to grow up same as life it will end .and eventually will end no matter what is how it is. I feel the more we except and realize on Earth we feel grief. It goes on and it ends.
This is two days today from the date June 24 my Girlfriends B Day that took her life at 31 yrs Nov 2001 and my Brother In Law that would be 50 this yr with me took his life in April he was never the same never getting over his Moms death in 1997! He just didn’t want to be here anymore even having his Son of 18 yrs that tragicallywas hit by carcand kill Christmas night if the same yr after burning his Dad then month later his Grandfather! Three generations. Suicide, older heath broken heart, and accident . See hiw this lifecall goes?!
Hi my son died 21years ago. I had pre eclampsia and was forced to terminate my pregnancy at28 weeks. Not a day goes by without me asking what if I hadn’t done it.
Someone was saying to me as to how I could love someone that you never had. It really hurt.
I’m still very sad and always wonder how my son would be and look like.
I miss our beautiful son Scott, so very, very much ???? he passed less than a year ago at the age 28. He was a beautiful soul. He lived with us, we were so close. I will never be the same person I was this is my new reality. A mother should never have to bury a child! There are no words to describe the sadness I feel most days; life continues to go on, yet often I feel frozen in time. I no longer am afraid to die i know the day will come and I will reunited with my beautiful son ❤️
You hit the nail on the head! Thanks.
Having lost both of my children’s I know only too well the heartache. After the loss of my daughter I never would have thought I would have to endure that pain again. Now however I am losing my son this past August .ireally don’t know if I will live through this again, the pain is indescribable. My saving grace is my faith in knowing one day I will be them , it will be the most joyous day. My heart breaks every time I hear of someone losing a child , I wish no one had to endure that pain.
sheila hall says
i have never lost a child and i pray i out lived my sons ,i have lost so many ,my grandparents passed away 2 weeks 2 days apart ,in sept of 1999, the an uncle the day before my birthday dec 2000, then my dad who was my hero in 2003 ,then 2 uncles in 2004, then my moma the day before i was suppose to go to her house for that weekend in 7-2013 ,,it was like back to back funerals ,but my mom & i was never like most daughters & moms, we lovey ,huggy till i was in my 40’s . through the yrs though we got close ,we did things together ,talked on phone alot ,but the moring i was to go to her house my middle sister called at 6;30 am ,screaming that moma was gone ,at first i thought she had walked off cos she had dementia and didnt always know us ,but then my sister said she was dead ,,i fell into a million pieces ,had a nervouse break down ,was watched cos i suffer from bipolar depression ,and alot of other things ,i was moved from florida to georgia ,to my oldest sons house ,,its been a long journey for me in the last couple of yrs ,but i have survived ,i had friends tell me about visiting butteries, they were your loved ones visiting or of red cardians ,well when moma passed & before i moved ,i had 7 red cardianals i swear you not ,every moring they would be sitting in a tree in my front yard ,id walk my dog in yard ,always quitely talking to these cardianls ,i have never felt such warmth or peace come over me more so when these red cardianls would be out in the tree every moring ,on the day we moved ,i told them where i was going ,a year after being in georgia they all showed up ,all 7 of them ,call me crazy but i believe its my family watching over me ,,,,,,i know this is about a child passing ,,but the grief & pain is no different ,,i took care of them all ,i gave up my life and marriage to take care of them as each 1 passed away at home ,,but to all who see & read this , there are no words ,,there are to many words ,, never right or wrong ,,when you carry a child and its a part of you ,you felt the connection always ,,you can smell them on you , i have a friend who’s daughter passed 2 months ago ,all i could say to her was ,,she will always be with you ,just in another room close by ,,just whisper her name ,,feel her love always ,,
Darci Long says
That is truly exactly how I feel. I lost my 19yr old son 4 1/2 mths ago. He was murdered and shot in the head. I’m now having to face the murder trial of the 3 boys that took my son’s beautiful soul from me. I struggle every day.
Debra Greenfield says
I never wanted to join the club of parents who lost their children, but on October 3, 2017 my precious 44 year old son died from prescription drug complications that he was taking for PTSD. He was tormented and his life had been so painful mentally for the last 2 years or more . Now I’m not sure how to be , I am numb and feel like I’m lost in a fog and I can’t find my way out . It’s only been 1 month and I can’t go anywhere or see others and hear them tell me to just go out and be with people or go shopping , etc. My life has been changed forever and the only people who understand are the ones who belong to this tragic painful club .
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my son on 4/3/15 two weeks before his 20th birthday and I still have days I feel as if I am in a fog. I pray that you will find some peace and happiness soon. It is hard, I totally understand.
sheila hall says
I dont know why i joined this site ,then again i do ,To the moma who just lost her son in oct 2017 , i have been told my brain isnt wired right cos i have bipolar depression with PTSD ,with anger issues ,i have never lost a child but my son & daughter in law miscarried twins , through my adult life i have lost many family members ,but wwhen they miscarried the twins i couldnt breath ,being a nana of 5 grandkids who i cherish ,i couldnt function there are so many words i could say ,but none would help you nor ease the pain or grief you are going threw ,someday you will find your way out of what i call the grey middle of liveing ,you will smile yet still hurt & cry at all the memories you have stored in your brain & deep in your heart ,but for today , all i can say is , you were blessed with the time you had with your son ,cherish all the good & bad days ,sending gentle hugs & prayers to you & your family , sheila
This is the beginning of the season of raw feeling all over again. Friday was my Jon Alan’s 40th Birthday, but He gained his wings 19 years ago on the 21st of this month.
I was talking to another bereaved Mom on Friday and she said, “Do you ever wonder what they would look like now”. For whatever reason, I can’t explain, I always think of him as being 21, my Forever 21 Son. I just wondered how other Mom’s feel about that?
Jayne Martin - Lewis says
Thank you for your words….they are so true. I lost My Beautiful Daughter, suddenly, in July 2015. It was on my birthday. I was going to see her that afternoon for cake and coffee. My mobile rang with her familiar picture, I heard her muffled voice twice say what I thought was “Happy Birthday Mum”. then her friends voice came on to say she is having trouble breathing send for an ambulance. In shock I dialled 000, and rushed to her home. I got there 30 mins later to find Paramedics giving CPR, desperately trying to save my beautiful girl. My heart was ripped apart, my mind smashed, as I heard them ‘count down’ and watched helplessly, desperately wanting to carry on the CPR myself. That image never leaves me. My beautiful girl was 37. IT took 8 months to get the coroners report, I was stunned, she had died of Pheumonia … I didn’t know she had it. I struggle every day. I tell myself she would want you to enjoy life to the full, but how can you when all that you feel is pain, the tears, I never knew I had so many are a regular occurrence multiple time a day. I know now her last words to me were actually ” I Love You Mum”. I think those few moments before she passed she new she wanted to see me but I wasn’t there. Yesterday would have been her 40th birthday, how I wish we had been able to be together celebrating her big 40) instead of remenissing with my precious memories. I have learnt that none of those things that people sometimes say….give it time, time heals, you’ll get use to it…..HOW?…how can you ever feel better/normal? Life is forever changed, this is an exsistance of the cruellest kind…..I have learnt there is NO TIME anymore, its the nightmare you want to wake up from, the horror movie you want to switch off, but can’t. The” what if’s” never leave, the” if only’s” go round in your mind. some days your legs are made of lead. Your head is in a vice and your heart is like shattered shards of glass. You try to keep busy, sometimes doing nothing, just to get through another day of painful exsistance. You can’t tell anyone the true extent of this devastation you live with…how could they ever understand it…….each Mothers grief is so personal to them. Some days you want the pain to stop the exsistance over. But then I know it’s not what my daughter would have wanted and so I struggle through another day. month, year. Each day taking baby steps.
sheila hall says
hello ,i am so sorry you have to leave with such deep pain daily since your daughter passed away , there isnt & never will be the right words to say to any one that you love and they pass away , i as all my family new i was different growing up ,i was not diagnose with bipolar depressing till late in life ,life started falling apart for real in sept of 1998 when my granny took her last breath as i sat on another couch and watched her ,2 weeks later my papa even though he was in good health ,he as well passed from grief ,then my daddy passed jan, 2003 ,they almost destroyed me ,,but i keep on cos i had to take care of my moma , her health was never good cos she had copd & emphzimia realy bad plus the last yr of life she had dementia ,me being the oldest daughter of 3 and i was the 1 who took care of her 24/7 ,yet many times than not she was afraid of me ,or she didnt know my name ,she passed in july 2013 ,so i havent has much breathing space in between to even try and recover all there passings ,i had a nervouse breakdown when moma passed away ,its been 5 yrs since moma passed away , yes i have good days ,days i swear i can her purfume as if she is sitting right beside me ,somedays is all day crying days ,i will turn 60 in dec, so there are time limits of grief ,many tell me its been long enough ,they are all gone ,get over it ,well , i am sorry ,i just dont seem to be able to ,somedays i take 3 steps forward ,then 2 steps back ,i deal as best as i can ,there is someplace i read that are loved ones are right beside us ,just in another room ,i truely believe this , i pray someday that your baby steps will be lonf walking steps ,you will always love & remember your daughter ,no 1 can take that away from you,what i would say to you ,is just whisper your daughters name for she is & always will be with you xoxo
My beautiful daughter also passed away very suddenly from Hashimo Disease. She was 26 and passed just 6 months ago. We had no idea she had this. She went to work, came home and within 30 minutes she was gone. My heart and life will be forever changed. I miss her so much! She was not only my daughter but also my companion. ????
Deborah Zarate says
I am a mother of losing a beautiful 22 year daughter Candice Brianne Zarate 6/20/15 to suicide and I agree there are no words for the heartache that I feel everyday. I just hit the 3 year mark and it isn’t much easier. Time does not heal this pain,this emptiness, this void that I feel every single day no matter what I’m doing. No words can help for we all go through our grief differently I know I will never be over this until my last breath and I’m reunited once again with my beautiful daughter. As much as I’m told it wasn’t your fault you did all you could to help her but as her mother there is no words anybody can tell you how hard it is to see your daughter suffering and you can’t help them. Their depression has taken over I will forever tell my baby I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you I tried to make you understand that you mattered, how beautiful you are & you mean everything to me, tomorrow is another day, things will not stay the same so much to say and and yet at the moment you feel your hands are tied! I am not the same and never will! A friend told me this cripples you and that is so true it cripples you in ways you never thought… you have trouble doing just about everything. All I can do right now is try and accomplish what I want to accomplish which is write a book of my life with Candice there is so much to say we went through so much. My baby was verbally abused by her father who made her feel worthless. I want to get things in order for my other who will be 21 this year. I’m 56 getting close to retirement and I don’t want to have her to have to worry about anything when I go. At top of grieving my baby there’s much to be done and I feel stuck cause as much as I want to write it is so painful as it is me making this comment.
Much love and comfort to all us grieving our child or children.