by Angela Miller
Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are needed. If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.
1). Love never dies.
There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.
I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less. My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.
2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.
In my seven years navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.
3). I will grieve for a lifetime.
Period. The end. There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.” There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time where I won’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, milestone– should-be back-to-school school years and graduations; weddings that will never be; grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.
This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.
4). It’s a club I can never leave, but is filled with the most shining souls I’ve ever known.
This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known. And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors and thrivers. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.
Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you’ve ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime. Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into legacy.
Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You’ll be thankful you did.
5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.
Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone for this lifetime. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. Gone is still gone. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains.
The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.
6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.
Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It’s because they really, truly are. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don’t wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don’t have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.
7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.
Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact, though it took awhile to get there. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.
Because I’ve clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply: the love, the grief, the joy, the pain. I embrace and thank every morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.
I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.
Even death can’t take that away.
ANGELA MILLER is an internationally known writer and speaker on grief and loss. She is the best-selling author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers, and the founder and executive director of the award-winning grief organization, A Bed For My Heart. After the death of her son, Angela founded A Bed For My Heart in 2013, and has given people around the world a compassionate and supportive community to express their grief and honor their children. Her article, “7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child,” has been shared over one million times. Angela’s website ABedForMyHeart.com has almost two million visitors per year, and has become a trusted resource for grieving families worldwide. She has been featured in People, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, Blog Talk Radio, Love What Matters, Listen to Your Mother, and more. Angela’s writing has comforted millions of hurting hearts around the world. You Are the Mother of All Mothers is her first book, and is dedicated to grieving mothers everywhere.
Join Angela’s compassionate village at A Bed For My Heart.
Text and images © Angela Miller 2016. All rights reserved.
Thank you for putting into words what I feel but sometimes have a hard time expressing this to friends and family. My daughter died four years ago and I have begun to live an active life again. The pain is still there, it never goes away. I do agree so much with your last point, I take nothing for granted. I am able to find joy in the most basic things. I have learned to look at life with more compassion and gratitude. I am sad but I am also joyful.
We lost our oldest son Sean ,24 yrs old on January 7 th this year. He was only about a mile from work. He was the band director for a local high school.He left behind a 2 yr old daughter and his wife expecting their 2 nd child and He was born in July. They have all lived with my husband and me since January 7th. They bought a house and plan to be moving soon. Sean’s birthday is next Friday and I can barely breathe just thinking about it. So no I will never ever get over losing my Sean
sorry for your loss, thank god you are able to love his children and send time with them, this is your blessing time is funny someday will be ok and sum will suck and god willing you will look at your grandchildren and smile because you will remember the special times with their dad ..hang in there sending loving thought to you and your family
Please be careful saying things like “thank God she has his kids. That is one of those lines that doesn’t help. She wants her son here. I would.
So true, you could have 10 more kids but we still hurt deeply for the one that is no longer here. No one can ever take their place
What about all the people who are there for us the first week of so and then disappear because our grief makes them uncomfortable?
When one is still immersed in the pain of loss it can be hard to interpret how words are meant. I’ve been down this road twice now. When I think of the cliches that were spouted when our oldest son died, and then 15 years later when our youngest died, I pull myself together and think, “They meant well.”, even in their ignorance.
“Thank God, she has her grandchildren.”, is not and cannot be meant that her grandchildren are a replacement for the writer’s deceased son. “Thank God, she has her grandchildren.”, is meant more that, “Thank God, she has the distraction of her grandchildren to help get her through these dark days!” But when one is grieving, it is next to impossible to “interpret” those word meant to give you solace.
People who pat you on the shoulder at the funeral and move on, never to be seen again, simply do not know how to deal with your grief. They are embarrassed because they do not know how to cope. I’ve had so-called friends cross to the other side of the street rather than speak with me after losing a child. I am sorry more for them than for myself. I ran into another mother while shopping and greeted her. She apologized to me that she “had not been around but she just didn’t know what to say to us”. She told me that she was afraid I would resent that her son was still alive and mine wasn’t. I smiled and told her that I was relieved that she still had her son and proceeded to find out how he was doing. A ray of sunshine. When this mother and I meet now, we are relaxed and I easily ask about her children and speak of mine without worrying that she will be uncomfortable. Time does not and never will heal all wounds. What it does do is allow us to accept what we cannot change and to more easily cherish the memories we have of our children.
Please tell me how I can help friends or coworkers who have lost a child. Is there a book I can read to learn how to ease any of their pain?
Your presence is enough.
There are no “right” words. A loving touch communicates an intimacy that allows us to grieve.
We’ll never have closure… but we eventually come to some conclusions.
I don’t have nightmares anymore, and when my son is in my dream I take time to enjoy him. I don’t want to wake up, but when I do…. I smile.
“Child Loss: The Heartbreak and the Hope” by Clara Hinton. This book was and still is my biggest help (second only to the Bible) since losing my beloved daughter three years ago. Through Clara’s writings you will better understand the deep and frightening pain that accompanies child loss, allowing you to be able to know what helps, and what doesn’t. Bless you for reaching out to your bereaved friends. You are a keeper.
My name is June Thornton and my son passed away suddenly on Jan. 6th, at the age of 34yrs old. I got a called from the hospital that he had passed away before he got to the hospital some brought hi there I their car. I nearly passed out when I heard the news and just starting screaming and crying! I would like to hear from any parent that has lost a child for any reason. It doesn’t really matter why the main thing is that it is not the natural order of things!
Please all e-mail me at (june@nanradio.com)
Just be there, it can get very lonely when well-meaning people stop calling or visiting because they don’t know what to say. We know that you have no words, that you don’t know what to say or do, but your love is needed and appreciated. Also understand when it is hard for a grieving parent to listen to all the petty complaints and problems others are having with their children, as we would face any obstacle to have them back…..
may God bless you & give you peace celebrate his birthday .He is gone but not forgotten.i lost my son (only child) 1-29-03 so I know the pain you are going through.GOD BLESS YOU & HIS FAMILY.
I too lost my only son at 20.
It has been 3 years ago.
It does start to get a little more like you are a good person, because the guilt of what could of been if I only did it different, will be there.
Trust in God ans know that Jesus is coming back for us.
It all makes sense now.
With all my prayers for people who have lost a child, and their only child.
I lost my son 3 years ago Christmas is so hard I want to be happy for my living children and there kids, my grandchildren but it is hard but I know I must go on till I see him again
i lost my 20 year old daughter on the 6th of April. she died in my arms as she whispered Jesus’ name. my heart is so broken. I have a 22 year old daughter who needs my support but I am hurting so deeply. I am a single mum. I now collect reading material to support my Christian faith and reassure me of where it is my baby girl has gone. it has brought some reprieve but it hurts. losing a child really hurts, and for me its the second time around. I live to see my kids again in paradise.
Could not help but wonder if these expressions of love and sadness are what God felt as His son died on the cross..scripture says He made us in His image..so it must be true..could not get any closer to our creator than this.
I loss my son me and his dad is in so much pain i wish i could help him
Sharon, I lost my son and only child Christopher on 4/16/04. I’m so sorry for your loss.
God??? God!!????? Your lucky you have faith,,,,I guess. I use to believe, and now I sure miss santa claus more than god.
I know where you’re coming from Molly. I lost my oldest son in April and the first reaction is Why, God, Why? He was one of the good ones! After the numbness of death lessens, you realize that God did not take away your child, circumstances did. Death is no respecter of persons. God’s words will give you comfort if you ask. You will always have pain but I sincerely hope you find peace.
Do u want to see your child again? Your child is with God. Make peace with God so u can go to God and see your child again. Feel that u can’t? Pray God help me to forgive u, because we all blame God. He could have stopped it right? But, for what ever the reason he didn’t. What else can we do? God help me to forgive u for allowing my son to die. God help me, I want to see him again. I can still smell his scent when he was running outside playing. I have my. Grandson and I can’t even imagine the sorrow of losing him. I don’t know how anyone could ever b happy again. But I know most children go to God in heaven. What else could any of us do. But pray we make heaven?
Wow so so sorry you feel that way I will pray for you.
I 100% agree with Molly. People with faith are lucky.
I do not believe in the afterlife. I believe I will never see my son again. I also do not believe in signs. I think if I believed in both things may be a little easier to bear.
Remember the devil never stops trying to steal our faith. He crept into my 14 year old son’s mind and waited for the right weak movement. He had been bullied for years. They were used by the devil. I sent him up to his room after finding some stuff on his phone. He was mortified that I saw it. When he got upstairs he put a bullet in his brain.
God? Yes, he is with God. Yes, my heart is crushed. He was saved and not in his right mind.
I have been very angry with God. The devil killed my son. GOD took him home. The devil will never steal my faith in God. I will see my precious son again. I wish I could go now. His brother needs his mother and his Dad needs his wife. It’s a struggle but I am trying. I owe that to my husband and my son’s teenage brother.
Don’t give the devil what he wants. You want those gates to swing wide open so you can run in and hug your child again, only then it will be for eternity.
Dana.
Mom of Brock
12-4-00 – 10-18-15
Blame the devil not God try
It’ll be 10 years on sept 3rd this year that I lost my 21 year old daughter. Still have not accepted it and no idea on how to even begin
I lost my son Justin 2013. He was only 23. I struggle day by day. I have no one to talk to. My pain is never going to stop
I just want to thank you. As a support group coordinator for families of murdered victims this will help encourage many of the mothers.
I too Lost a Son ~ 10 Years this past May ~ He too was only 24 Year’s old. He served in the military (proud Marine) went to Kuwait served his time from 2001 ~ 2004. He had just came home from the military know more than 9 month’s from his serves of Dude, to be murdered by a local that didn’t care about humanity (or) anything else ~ From that day that he took my Son from me, that was the day that my Soul died alone with him ~ I now feel like a breathing person with a beating heart that is know more ~ However, with the Grace of God, I too have learn not to take life for granted. ~ I don’t know if I would even still be here, if it wasn’t for my Lord and Savior. He is the one that see’s me threw each an everyday ~ I know with that being said, I have Joy knowing that one day, that I will see my wonderful Son again, that I Love and truly miss with each breath that I take.
Dear Debbie,
I hope that I can say the right words. I have not experienced what you have gone through. I just want to thank you for your testimony. My wife and I trusted in Jesus Christ in the year of 1983, I was 40, and Kathy was 37. I know to this day, buy the Grace of God, He saved our marriage and saved our sinful souls. As we observe what is going in the world today, and especially in our nation, I would hate to be in this world today without Christ. Christ is the answer, and the only way. I ask Him daily for courage and the opportunities to share with other people about Christ, if they are willing to listen.
May God bless you and your family. All our love in Christ
I too had my daughter taken from me viciously by a low life with no regards to humanity. She was only 30 and the mother of two beautiful girls. I just made it through the first anniversary of her death, December 22, 2014, and it still feels like yesterday. This article has put some things in perspective, but it will never take the pain or anger away. My sincere condolences on the loss of your son. The amount of love definitely has a lot to do with the amount of grief.
????????❤️;
Any online resources, local support group info(Sioux Falls, SD.)? Our 18 year old son was murdered 2 1/2 years ago. Our lives, dreams, and goals have ended.
West River parent here. I don’t know of any support groups in your area but I wanted to reach out and just squeeze your hand.
Hold on.
I agree with you and I’m very sorry too. My 23 year old daughter was horrifically murdered in October 2012 and my life ended with hers.
Dear James,
There is an organization for bereaved parents/grandparents/siblings with both online and local chapters to support those who’ve been affected by child loss of any age and circumstance.
The Compassionate Friends
https://www.compassionatefriends.org
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son.
Parents of Murdered Children may be of help to you. http://www.pomc.org or call 888-818-7662. God bless.
I’m reading the comments, and yours stood out to me. My sweet Daughter Randi died in 1987. She was 20, and the light of my life. I miss her every minute. I know you do miss your Son the same.
Dear James, I am so sorry for your loss. Here is a link to the Compassionate Friends website. As you can see, there are several local chapters in your area. I believe TCF has saved my life in the 7 years since my son died, and I urge you to attend their monthly meetings. These truly are the only people who understand your pain. May you find peace and keep love in your heart.
I feel the same way my daugher die 10 months ago..i dont know what to do.im living with this pain day and night…
James, Sorry for your loss. There is also Bereaved Parents of the USA as a resource for those who have lost a child. The people we found in our local group helped so much. I hope you can find a Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents group near you.Traci
James, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain of all who have posted after reading the above article. There is a chapter of Compassoinate Friends in Sioux Falls, SD. CF is an organization that helps people who are grieving the loss of a child, and they have many resources in other cities as well. If you do a computer search for Compassionate Friends, followed by the name of the city in which you live, I’m sure you’ll find one nearby, in case you don’t live right in Sioux Falls. The information is all on the following link: https://www.compassionatefriends.org/chapter/sioux-falls-chapter/
grief share.org is a wonderful resource for helping to process grief.
I went through it after the loss of my husband and my sons went through the course as well.
May you feel the love of Jesus holding you close in the palm of His hands. ????
I also was a group leader for homicide survivors and it was a blessing for me and I hope for others. My daughter was murdered August 14, 1989. Four days before her 32 nd birthday. Grandson is a blessing.
I still grieve. And live.
I just wanted to say that it doesn’t matter how old you child was when they left, it still hurts the same when someone asks how old they were when they died and you tell them 36 and 46 they just blow you off. Let me tell you that it still HURTS the same!!
Praying for God to give you His peace as you celebrate your son’s birthday. My son passed away in 2013 at the age of 39, leaving behind his wife and 4 children. Some of his high school friends set up a scholarship fund in his name, and on his 40th birthday, we had a fundraiser for the scholarship at a local restaurant to celebrate his birthday. Find some special way to celebrate and remember him on his birthday, and don’t be afraid to change things up and make new traditions on the holidays.
Dear Brenda
I feel for you and for all of those whom have lost a loved one. I lost my darling son on September 13th 2015, he was 32 years old. He left behind an adorable wife and 10 month old son. He was going to be moving into his first home on September 17th – of course this never happened. My heart has been torn out, I cry constantly and find this world no longer has color for me. I have an elder son who has been shattered with the loss of his soul mate, he is however providing absolute support to my late sons wife and child whilst being there for his own wife and 2 daughters. I know I will never get over this but how do I survive it? In the first instance we were told he was killed by injuries falling from his motor bike however we were then told, speed or careless riding was not a factor and it was thought he had either blacked out or died from an anurism . He had been suffering from bad headaches for a couple of months prior however an MRI did not show any abnormalities. We regret not having a post mortem but we were initially told the injuries had killed him therefore a post mortem was our choice. I wish we had known the results of the investigation earlier.
I only hope there is life after death and that my son is happy somewhere with all of those other children taken too early from their mothers.
Yes, Dear One, there is life after death! The channellings of Kryon do offer a continuing conversation about our human energy as spirits in corporal form, where your family member is, how you are in constant ‘now’ wtih those who passed to the other side of the veil. We are light beings vibrating love, among other things. Lee Carroll is the medium, who also has written The Indigo Kids. We just lost our handicapped 21-year old son in “circumstances beyond our control”. May you keep the strength of learning to love your self and others through out your journey. Namasté
January 2015 @ 11:34am
His had just turned 20, on September 7, 2015,
I relive that phone call every day. Sometimes, I feel stuck, not knowing how to keep it together when I’m out in public. Sometimes, I Creek like he’s showing me signs that he’s here.i never thought I’d be the mother ofmurdered child. It’s going on 2 years and though I have a handful of great #upport. I can’t wait to get away from them and go hide in my room and cry. He was my sidekick, we did everything together. I have an older and younger sons, but we had a
special bond. I know my life will never be the same, I am a different person. I miss him
It physically hurts. My youngest will graduate next year
and I’m scared of being alone.
Turn your eyes upon jesus, there is no other way of survival. jesus, the Son of God
This sounds so much like Heather. We had just moved to a new home, and my daughter Heather, 36, had just moved in 10 houses down. On that move weekend, the knock on the door was not Heather, but, an officer informimg me of Heather’s death. Pop we thought she had died of natural! only to br told! six months later that it was foul play. I am so so missing her. If it weren’t for The Lord, I would not have been able to live through this. I am so sorry for your loss.
My daughter the love of my life. We did everything together. Her joyful smile and wonderful laugh died October 13th 2016, so this is like a raw wound. My girlfriend sent me this like. Lindsey had genetic liver disease. She stsrted hemorraging and died of brain stem hemorrage due to blood oressure got to low. We sent her to God on October 13th. Theres not a moment that I don’t think of her.Her smile, her laugh , her smell Her green eyes. I feel that God is punishing. Me for the sins I have commited.i don’t know if I’ll make it. Dear Lord please belp me and please have Lindsey in Heaven with you.
Yes, if it weren’t for the Lord….Me, an x atheist. Thank God this didn’t happen, the loss of our Daughter and Grand daughter in a car accident when I was a non believer. I couldn’t survive. jesus calms our broken hearts, he really does. We sleep a lot.
As a mother who has lost two children, ( younger daughter and grand-daughter in a car crash, and my youngers son in the way in Iraq, I just have to tell you one thing I never thought about. Be careful not to let the loss of a child overshaddow the child you still have and make him feel less love. When I lost my daughter at age 19, my other children thought she was all that mattered. I make a point now to remind my remaining 2 children that God blessed me with them.
Heaven will surely be worth it all. Worth all the sorrows that ever befall. After this life with all it’s strife, Heaven will surely be worth it all.
Those are lyrics to a song I learned growing up in church. I lost my first child this year and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever went through. I am still in so much pain. However, I have a hope in a man named Jesus Christ. He came and lived, died and most importantly rose again to give all those who believe and know him eternal life. My little Micah is safe in the arms of Jesus now. One day I will see him again!
….and I praise Him for what God did so we can be with Him and our precious ones that we have lost here on earth. My loss were two little boys, 6 and 8 years old.
I’ve read several of these, and am so thankful that so many of you know Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. He IS the ONLY way you will ever, ever be able to deal with this horrendous loss!! I have been a born-again Christian since I was 9 yrs. old…now am 66. Jesus is the Answer for every single thing in this life…including the death of our children!! In 1990, our 19 yr.old daughter had gone to CA (we live in Iowa) to be near her boyfriend. The last night we spoke with her on the phone, she said they’d gotten engaged, and she described her ring…she wanted pictures of me in my wedding dress, ‘cuz she knew I had saved it for her if she ever wanted to use it. So I found pictures and planned to mail them the next morning to her. They were laying on our kitchen table.Instead, we got a knock on the door about 7 a.m. It was our local sheriff and our minister. They came in to tell us our beautiful daughter, Tanya, had been to see her fiance’ the night before, fell asleep driving on the way home, and was killed instantly in the car. We were told to call the Orange Co. Sheriff’s office, which I did. The deputy I spoke with in CA. asked me if we knew they had gotten married. We were shocked! But it was true/ her fiance’ was in the navy and his ship was about to leave for the Persian Gulf, so they secretly got married and had planned a church wedding when he returned. They met in church and wanted a church wedding. Alas, it was not to be. But as if that wasn’t hard enough, 6 yrs. later, on Christmas Eve, her husband of 4 DAYS also died in a one-car accident. He ALSO fell asleep while driving.(You can’t make this stuff up!) So we had lost him as well. BUT they BOTH loved the Lord Jesus with all their hearts, and so are together in Heaven, enjoying being in that perfect place. But it really tore our family apart. Her brothers, both younger,and my husband and I haven’t been the same since. We’ve all had issues ever since. It truly left our family in upheaval. Our health and our relationships have ALL been deeply affected!! We have had problems ever since. Only God can work this all out so we can stand it!! I would love to be a part of this group, and do what I can to help others, and hope to be helped as well. Please let me know how I can become involved. Thank you!!
my son, sean, also 24 when he passed 7 years ago, is forever missed, forever loved, and forever grieved for. my heart goes out to you. I know the journey is a forever journey, but joy will find its way in somehow. it never eases the pain, but it coexists with the pain. love and prayers to you and your family.
So sorry to hear the horrible homicide, murder,natural cause of death for our angels in heaven..I hated to open this page one day to learn about a bereaved parent but i needed answers from beareaved parents.Our daughter grew wings on September 7,2015 Felisha LaRae Hatch -Jackson 28 years old d.o.b 3/7/87 she has 3 beautiful girls ages 10 yr,7 yr & 36 months,3 siings 2 boys 26 ,12..1 sister 24..Her oldest daughter & mommy were visiting at grandma’s home (my mom)laying in bed having a great late morning ..Her oldest daughtet decides to go swing on the tire swing w a friend & noticed people who she thought were mommys friends go in the house was in and out,so her daughter ran in to check on her and noticed her mom was laying face down her head in a ashtray w a burning cigarette. .so her 10 yr old daughter layed mommy back and noticed mommy was gurgling so she reached under mommy to grab phone to call grandpa (FLJ dad) who ran over and tried to save his daughter til tge ambulance showed up 25 minutes later..she was shot up w opiates,fentanyl, Heroin. .these people are still walking the streets and I am afraid to run into one of them because I am so angry..Justice for our beautiful baby girl Felisha LaRae Hatch Jackson.RIP
Im soo sorry! We lost our son Jacob july 1 2017 to fentanyl overdose he overdosed on purpose he took his own life.our grief is overwhelming its a day by day struggle he was 27 when we lost him he all i can do is pray for peace.
Praying for all of you. I lost my son when he was 18. It’ll be 14 years this October. Breathing becomes easier with time. I know that doesn’t help today. Hang on to that hope. You are loved dear Lorraine.
No you won’t but there are ways to soften it. I too lost a son 3 yrs ago. An adult son but we always remember our children as our babies. He passes suddenly in his sleep of heart problems. I have a daughter who misses him terrible and has suffered with it as I have. From day one we have always included his name and life in our conversations. On his birthday and his day of passing she takes the day off. We do some of the things Steven loved or would do. We take balloons to the cemetery with note to him and release them. Make his grave look nice because we celebrate his life. Go to lunch and then some kind of an activity. The first yr I agreed to a small tattoo. I am not a tattoo person but we knew he would be smiling at Mandi and him talking me into it. It’s a very small pair of angel wings on my back where only I will see them and cherish him. The next time after that we took a Mother’s Day card that Steve had given me. We added it right underneath ” Love Steven”. They actually used his real handwriting. I love it. We reminence about funny things he did and would say. This definitely made it a special day of remembering him. One yr we went bowling for him. He was an advid bowler and even had a 300 game. Quite an accomplishment since he was handicapped without much use of his right hand and arm. I was 68 yrs old and hardened Bowled in 49 yrs. I actually through a gutter ball and fell flat on my face but got a strike with that ball. We laughed so hard and knew Steve was with us saying yes mom. I helped you. Everyone in the alley clapped for that strike. You would not believe how making it such a day of celebration making it a happy day. Not a sit down and cry day. His life is and was special. It lightens the sadness. We laugh instead of crying. If you have someone you can share that day with in this manner every year it sure does help.
Many Prayers for you….Families are Forever…..our loved ones are in a peaceful place…we will be reunited….when our Mortal chapter is over.
We also lost our oldest son at 23 about a mile from our home on Dec. 11, 2010. He would have been 24 Dec. 20th. And the pain never gets better. We miss him everyday…every hour….minute. We wake with him on our minds and he’s the last thing on our minds. So know that my prayers are with you and your family.
May God bless you and your family.
I loss my son DeAndre at the age of 23. His death was sudden. Today I still don’t know the cause of his death and it hurts so much. My son didn’t have children and I will never get the chance to feel how to be a grandmother from him. He left 2 sisters who loved him so dearly. My life will never be the same without him. How do I get through this tragic loss. How do I get through the first holiday without my Dre. My body and heart aches everyday.
I lost my beautiful daughter September 26 off in overtime it was not intentional which gives me some peace I don’t know what I have so much i’m dying inside and I really wish I would die sometime because pipe without her I feel never been like that can I live with my son and my husband as of today don’t know what tomorrow wilbring!!!!
Same here I lost my baby boy @ 2 months old on July 10 /17 I have two other kids a 9 yr old daughter 5 yr old boy this pain is so deep in hurtful yeah it is fresh but I already feel like things will never get better I’ll always cry 99% of me will always be sad I feel lost but I also keep pushing for my kids because that’s the mom Iam but trust in believe it’s not a day that passes by that I don’t get upset that he’s not with us in cry in just wish I had my baby boy here on earth. This is so unfair
I feel your pain my son lived with me,,he was killed April 17th last year one day before his 30th birthday. .after work about a mile and a half from home,,I am beyound devastated forever,,
We lost our oldest son, Ethan, on May 25, 2013 when he was 23 years old. He had a 3 year old daughter, but she is such a blessing! She looks exactly like my son and I like to think she is God’s gift to us to have a piece of Ethan with us always. Smiles have come to us again, but with each holiday, birthday or anniversary, the pain comes back in waves. I can’t imagine going through this without the promise from God that we will be with our son again one day. And yes, there is an instant bond when I meet others who have lost a child. My prayer for each of you reading this and suffering with grief is that God will surround you in His love and will bring happiness to your lives each day until we are all reunited some sweet day!
So sorry for your loss???? I have lost both of my sons…one was colon rectal cancer after 1 year at age 17 and my 24 year to a gun shot wound but we will never get over their deaths it’s been since 2007 and 2010 but I have kept a smile in my heart and one on my face so my boys know how much their mom loves them and of course misses them every single second of every single Day…????????
so sorry, for yuur loss you have great strength, wish I could be like you… I know it hurts you too maybe you are just better or stronger person than me or others… Some of us just cry more or not as strong as others… we still feel for you and wish we did not have to go thru this…but sometimes I think what pain the Lord went thru when his only son Jesus died and how he loves us so much and he is with us even when we do not feel like it… it used to help me but now I feel sad when hearing about all the pain of moms I gues it is because I am or always been a very sentiative or too senstive and cry when I see children who are crippled or hurting or etc… I gues we all show things in different ways…. love and thanks and pray the Lord will make us feel better prayer always helps when you least expect it, I know the bible says the Lord puts all our tears i a jar or bottle he cares for us but we ar eonly human and we have feelings..praying for the moms who are really hurting toay and tomorrow for a sign from above from our loved ones to lift us up….
My heart hurts for you ????
I lost my beautiful Melanie when she was 24 , so suddenly, just after Christmas 2004.
I miss her so much but have to keep going somehow. I am still so sad . She wasn’t married and didn’t have children.
I pray a lot and also pray for all the other Parents who have lost their precious Children x We will see them again one day.
I lost my 24 year old son in February, 2000, two weeks before his 25th birthday. Holidays and his Birthday are still very difficult times for me. Even after 17 years. Love never dies.
you will never get over your beautiful son, you only adapt. Life changes us as we see things differently then those who have never lost a child. I have become so compassionate, patient, forgiving, etc….
We’re truly sorry for your loss. Never thought of ever writing to someone expressing the same bereavement others are feeling. All we can say to possibly ease your pain a little is that at least you have grandchildren from your precious son. Good bless them. We lost our beautiful son February of last year. Result of a medication that was given to him at the hospital. People ask us if we’re going to proceed with a lawsuit, but several law firms claim its a lengthy process. It’s almost like saying give it up. Mister Christian, as he was called by us, family and friends, had so many dreams to fulfill. Before his demise, he was so proud of his mom retiring from nursing after working for 43 years. Had gotten engaged the month before his death and was planning on a future wedding. Went back to school to pursue his Master degree. We kinda spoiled him, and didn’t care cause he gave us no problem. He made us laugh all the time. I kept asking him, ” Hey Mister, when are you going to give us a grand daughter?” All his dreams are gone. So is he. He left us nothing but great memories. We only expect to see him again only when our times are up. He is still with you in the form of his wife and children. Squeeze and hold them tight like you would for your dear son. God bless you.
We share the same sad day, my oldest son Steve passed away January 7th 2015 in a tragic car accident, he was 31 with 4 beautiful children that are heartbroken and miss their amazing Daddy ???? my heart is shattered, I never thought I could feel so much pain, the most gut wrenching hurt possible! I miss my son so much, I feel so guilty going on with life, but I have to for my 2 children and 6 grandchildren that remain it’s just so hard to act like I’m ok ????
Im so sorry. I also lost my son in an auto accident on the 7th of January, this year. He is my youngest son. I am lost. My husband passed 2 years prior. I feel devastated and holding on to my faith in God to help me cope. It’s a daily struggle.
May Our Loving Father in heaven give you peace & comfort all the remaining days of your & your family’s lives.
I lost my only child 7 yrs ago. He was 18, a senior, and an amazing and wonderful son. YOU NEVER GET OVER LOSING YOUR CHILD. YOU HAVE TO HOLD ON TIGHTLY TO GOD.
I lost my oldest daughter January 8, 2015, she was 49 years old. She was in surgery and her heart stopped and they could not get it started again. She left a son and two grandchildren behind. I think about her everyday. I’m so sorry for your loss and for the family your son left behind.
So sorry for your loss , Hi my name is Shawn a Mother of two Men . My boy’s were murdered in Georgia at the same time on 09/11/10 . No one was ever arrested it was classified as a accident , The first year I didn’t even know my name but then I started to learn to smile even if it killed me . I went to bereavement classes and just did a lot of soul searching I have to admit I was moving forward leaps and bounds, I wrote poetry things seemed ok . I up till 3 or 4 years ago and everything all happiness any Joy , my heart has hardened I’m hateful ugly just don’t care about anything at all even taking a shower . I don’t have friends. I do have a Mother which I love and respect but she is toxic . Two sisters who want me to be Indian so they can take over my money and my life after mom dies. For my mom is doing so right now . I’m wanting to start a 16 wk. Challenge and maybe start to babysit cause I Truley love kid’s of all ages . Please help me thanks Shawn
I lost my son 10 years ago, March 3, 2005, in a car accident. He was my youngest son. I have 3 other sons and understand how it feels to lose even one son. I believe that talking about him as much as I can is very good and brings back very good memories. He was 15 years old and I feel very blessed to have had him that long. He will always be close to my heart and I know he is with God and some day I will see him again.
I also have 4 sons and we lost our eldest only 11 in a hunting accident, shot by his grandad who also lives with us. My 3 younger sons 9, 7, 5 miss their leader. It has just been one year and the pain is truely one of a kind. I know he is around me and he passed with his heart full of love. I hate this life sentence we bereaved parents have been given but it is only a lesson given to the strong. Love to your family and 4 sons
Amen
I lost my precious older daughter, Melissa Dawn,to malignant melanoma. She died on March 22nd, 2011 @ the age of 28, a month short of her 29th birthday( April 30th). It has been extremely difficult for her father, sister & I. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of her & shed tears. I talk to her every day in the hope that she can hear me & know how much I love her. My heart aches every day, especially on special occasions. I hope that we will be together one day. She was such a beautiful person inside & out, bubbly, happy & outgoing. I am relieved that her suffering days are over & I know it would be selfish of me to keep her with us in such pain & agony, but the pain I suffer on a daily basis is enormous & will never go away. Her poor younger sister Alison, has been greatly affected by this loss. They were not only sisters, they were best friends. Ali looked up to her big sister for love & support, & now that’s gone. Melissa you are loved & cherished forever. All our love we send to you. Life is not forever, love is. Mom, Dad & Alison XXXOOO
We lost our daughter, Melissa on August 20th 2015. She was 15. My mother, father, sister, wife and I were by her side when she died at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Melissa was born with a heat defect at Hospital of the University of Philadelphia which is next to CHOP. She was a frequent patient at CHOP all her life because of her heart condition and three years ago we learned she had cancer of the adrenal gland. Her heart condition limited treatment options. The only option available was an experimental type of radiation treatment that had to cease about a year ago and then the cancer spread through out her body. Nurses and doctors were amazed that she did not complain about the pain until the last 4 months of her life. I remember the day her oncologist recommended hospice and the pain and despair I felt. We were so thankful of being with her when she died.
I have good days and bad days; today is a bad day. Thank you,
Nick; Melissa’s proud Father
We loss our 15 year old daughter, Melissa. She was born with a heart defect and had 3 or 4 open heart surgeries from the time she was 3 days old until she was 4. When she was 6, we found out she was deaf. A year later she received a collclear insert. She could never talk, but could sign. Melissa was always happy and could light up a room with non signing people and charm them. At age 12 she developed adrenal gland cancer which killed her on August 20th 2015. Her heart condition limited her treatment options to an experimental radiation. After 2.5 years, her oncologist told us the treatments had to stop. Soon after that, hospice was started. This was a very sad day as the realization of her death hit my wife and I. I will always treasure my birthday because Melissa loved parties and this was the last on she attended. When she died at CHOP, my parents, sister and wife were at her bedside(a blessing). She was a happy girl and an inspiration. Even though her death was in August, the past two days I have been grieving and missing her. I have spent the last 2 afternoons looking at her photos and crying. I am trying to cope. Melissa was an inspiration to all that knew her. Thank you, Nick.
Nick, your Melissa sounds like a joyful soul, one who has been through SO much but yet remains filled with joy. How fortunate you are to be her dad! May the Lord bless you and your family as you are briefly separated from her, and until you all are together again.
+My son died in his sleep four years ago….The only thing which makes me happy is that we see him walking through the house occasionally, smiling and waving at us…….he is definitely not DEAD,,,,,we do not understand the other dimensions in the universe…..we do not disappear, just leave our bodies and take the rest with us.
Wow, your so lucky to see your child. GOD, how I would love to see my girl. My sister and grandpa stated they seen her once just smiling away, so happy. How I wanted to believe what they seen was truth, but now as you state you seen your child, I do believe it’s truth. Thank you.
You should read George Anderson’s books, I’m currently reading “Your children forever”, I lost my 13 year old son in Sep 2016. I don’t know where I would be if I did not believe that he’s living on, just somewhere else.
Amen sorry for your lost as well ???? That’s what I believe about my Kai’N
Wow. I lost my so 7 1/2 years I would see my so in dreams and there would be 3’s that would just show up..or on my birthday. For instance on driving not a cloud in the sky, I spotted the number 3 in front if us. It last a long time as we continued to drive. There was no mistaking it, it was very large and 8. They don’t come as much now, but I still miss him as much as ever. So sorry for your loss
So sorry for your loss what u say is amazing and I hope that happens to me id love to see my daughter Gianna it’s almost been 4 months seems like forever xx
This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. So many questions and not enough answers. When things come up it reopens the wounds and I start over grieving. Some days are better some are still bad after 2 1/2 years. I found that men often are the most lost. Women know how to grieve and express their emotions. They are at deep pain, but men are totally lost as this type of feeling is something they have never experienced on any level. We seem to unravel because we have no training in these emotions. Now I realize my destiny is to help others who have lost children. I used to sit and the grave every weekend and ask God why and what he wanted me to learn from this experience. Finally, he answered and showed me it was to help others. Compassionate Friends is a nationwide organization that helped me because I realized they understood my grief and times when I did not know if what I was doing was normal or rational. I realized there is nothing rational about emotions in this situation. I have experienced trauma and grief, but never from the depths of my soul on this level. I did not know it was possible to hurt emotionally this much and wanted it to stop. I wanted to hurt myself because the physical pain was better than the emotional pain. I feel was the past a dream or am I living a dream now. I am at times so exhausted and wonder when it is going to end. I now realize it will never end. It will not be as intense as much, but it will always be there.
you have just described how I have been feeling since the death of my daughter 21 days ago.
I just saw this I’m with you I lost my son 7 yrs ago lost my daughter 4 years ago the both on my mind everyday every second I do have 3 precious grandchildren the left me but those 2 holes in my heart ❤️ will never be the same it’s been here lately very hard for me to even go to gravesite
We lost our first son to SIDS. We were both at work. The paramedic called from the daycare, and told me my son was dead. Life has never been the same. My wife got her tubal ligation repaired, and it was successful. I don’t think we would have survived without the wonderful son we now have raised. He is now 28, and has helped us with our grief. We think of our beautiful son that died every day. The sorrow and permanent worst day of our life never goes away. I hoped my other children would never have to know this kind of hurt, but my little 13 year
Old granddaughter died in her sleep a few months ago, and our daughter is living the nightmare we have went through. She is getting a divorce. This has destroyed her marriage. Please pray for parents who have lost a child. I can’t even describe the pain that never goes away.
My heart goes out to you, I lost my 13 year old son in Sep 2016. I am praying for you and your family. I have found a lot of comfort in books, both religious and spiritual. “Safe in the arms of God” by John MacArthur and “Our Children Forever” by George Anderson. Sadly my sister lost her 6 year old girl 19 years ago and she keeps telling me that God has chosen us because he is preparing us for eternity with him. I am a different person but I can’t help asking if I could not have achieved spiritual maturity in a different way.
your story is so touching
I ALSO LOST A CHILD FROM SIDS. I STILL REMEMBER THAT DAY AS IF IT HAPPEN TODAYTHAT WAS 38 YEARS AGO, I REMEMEBR ME AND MY OLDEST GIRL AND MY BABY WENT TO TAKE A NAP AND WHEN I WOKE UP I TOOK MY OLDEST DAUGHTER DOWN STAIRS TO FEED HER AND LET THE BABY SLEEP TILL I WAS DONE FEEDING MY OLDEST BABY WHEN WE WAS DONE EATING I DECIDED TO GO WAKE HER UP UPSTAIRS ONLY MY BECKY WAS DEAD I REMEMEBR SCREAMING AND NEIGHBORS HEARD ME AND THEY RAN IN MY HOUSE TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG, DID I MENTION WHILE I CARRIED THIS CHILD I HAD DREAMS A ANGEL WAS TAKING HER AWAY FROM ME I TOLD MY DR HE SAID LIGHTENING DONT STRIKE 2 TIMES IN THE SAME PLACE I ALSO HAD LOST MY FIRST SON TO STILL BORN 2 YEARS EARLIER , AFTER BECKY HAD DIED NOT ONLY DID IT EFFECT ME IT EFFECTED MY OLDEST DAUGHTER THEY WERE REALLY CLOSE I HAD TO POTTY TRAIN HER ALL OVER AGAIN SHE LOST HER BEST FRIEND HER PLAY MATE HER SIDE KICK HER BATHTIME BUDDY HER CARTOON BUDDY SO I UNDERSTAND EACH OF UR PAIN VERY WELL SOON AFTER THAT I BECAME PREGNANT AGAIN I WAS SCARED I WAS AFRAID FOR BOTH ME AND MY UNBORN I ALSO ALMOST LOST Y SECOND SON ALSO , TO ME IT SEEMS LIKE GRIEF IS JUST A NOTHER MEMBER OF THE FAMILY THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT TO GRIEF AND NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT U FEEL CAUSE U CARRIED THAT CHILD NO ONE ELSE DID U BONDED WITH THAT CHILD SO I TRUELY UNDERSTAND AND PRAY FOR EACH OF YOU THAT HAD OR IS GOING THROUGH THIS TYPE OF PAIN MEDICINE CANT TAKE OR HEAL A PARENTS EMPTY HEART OR IT CANT ERASE THE LOVE U FELT CARRING THAT CHILD R THE MOMENTS U HAD WITH THAT CHILD I SEND A SPECIAL PRAYER TO EACH OF U AND PRAY YOU WILL NEVER LET GRIEF CONTROL U AND GIVE INTO FEAR GOD BLESS
I really feel for those of you who lost your children as older kiddies or as adults. I found my 39 day old baby boy, dead in his cot, 29 years ago. I am happy, mostly, but truly…never a day goes by without I think of him! We are members of a club no one wa to to join. Membership cost…a lifetime of lost ❤️. But we are blessed too, our precious children will not suffer or grow old. We carry them, cocooned in the safety of our hearts, for ever.
Normal, what’s normal. It’s not normal to lose child. He was 17, at the prime of his life. He had his grandfather’s old truck, a steady girlfriend, a job at the community center, helped in our Children’s Church, was active in Cross Country and Track, made his own snowboard in wood shop, competed in an electric car he and a few friends built, worked hard for his good grades and loved his family. He was my youngest. One minute I was talking and encouraging him to trust himself (how late to stay up working on homework when he wasn’t feeling right) the next minute I heard his last sound. His heart never beat again. It was really that fast. My husband and I were empty nesters. Women talk about the adjustments they have to make to their lives when their youngest goes away to college….ha.
It’s been almost 3 years since that night. The pain will never go away. Most days my husband and I live this new life appreciating every moment we have together, we are much closer. The next second we will cry and our hearts will be torn open again.
I went back to work within a week, to be gone longer meant going to the doctor, he would determine when I was healthy enough to go back. No way. I went, I was a zombie. I am more serious.
My daughter, 22 at the time had a husband and a little boy, took her finals a week later. Her brother had helped her with a math class just weeks before. She suffered her grief with her little family. We suffered separately. As time went on we spoke his name.
Through the grace of God, my family and a few of his teachers set up a scholarship in his name. Every year this introvert, grieving mother gets up in front of hundreds of people and gives a speech before joyfully honoring the deserving students. I do it because he would do it for me.
People ask me, how do you do it. God. I feel prayers and their love surrounds me. With God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Thank you, I wonder how I will get through each day every morning when I open my eyes. Empty nest…I lost my 13 year old beautiful boy in Sep 2016 and in Jan 2017 both my girls headed off to university at the same time. I’m divorced, so that means coming home to an empty house after 19 years of having children in it. My prayers are with all parents who have lost children.
I awoke from a nightmare and darkness. I saw a humming bird fly towards me to set me free into the light…thank you Ms.
Brenda, I also lost my 34 yr. old daughter 4 yrs. ago. I never thought I could crawl ways from the “wailing wall”! I was certain I would die from grief! Through my Christian counselor and my granddaughter , I finally felt like I was healing. However just four months ago I lost my sweet husband of 44 years! He had Non Hodgins lymphoma and within one year he joined our beautiful daughter in heaven! I can never explain the grief I am experiencing now! Without my precious granddaughter and my faith in the Lord, I could not make it through the day! Praying for all those parents who have had to say goodbye too soon to their children????
I can attest to every word written here. My daughter died in 1981, 2 weeks before her 6th birthday, and all of this still holds true today.
This is nice but it feels like you are downplaying other deaths. I lost my mother when I was 33 and pregnant. I hurt everyday, wondering what she would look like, sound like. My daughter graduated college, did she see that? I came here trying to get more acquainted with my best friends sons death at 22. But found nothing but anger in your words.
Ya know, as i read all of that and i read it cause i thought i might get some help after losing my wife of 45 yrs quite suddenly and unnecessarily. I always my whole life thought it would be the worst thing ever to lose one of my precious children and am so thankful i still have them and my grandchildren. I still believe losing a child has to be the most horrific thing one could experience and my heart goes out to all of you. Seriously it does. i must say tho, as i read all of this, the grief, the missing, the empty places and o, so much more, feels like what you described. I’m not sure any death like this has a boundary that makes one hurt less than another cause i don’t know how i could hurt any deeper. I still lift up my prayer to each of you in your losses cause i know there just aren’t human words to describe it or take the hurt; the missing away. God bless. He’s the only one that can get us through it.
What you wrote and what she wrote (The seven items) has me sitting here crying my head off! I just want all of you to know that the Departed Soul of your dear Wife, and the Departed Souls of all the children taken away from you, see you, hear you, hear and feel your prayers, feel your love for them, and that some day you will all be together again! Just believe me because of what I have experienced recently in my life gave me the gift to know this. Ken.
I lost my son Chris, an only child, not yet married nor any children. He died of a heart attack while sleeping at age 39 in October 2006. At first I just wanted to die but I never thought of suicide. My brother died in Vietnam in October 1969 at age 21. I watched my mother grieve so much for 20 years. She couldn’t open his closet door to get rid of his belongings. She would just break down and cry. Finally she let me help her with some things she wanted to keep but had me take them home for safekeeping. I always remembered how he loved to keep himself groomed and would wear his favorite cologne “English Leather”. I sometimes will take the bottle from the little wooden box and smell. It is as if he is there with me every time I open that bottle. I still have some of my own son’s clothing and can still hold a tie or shirt close and smell his scent. I may be viewed as a nut by some, but it doesn’t matter. I will tell you that with God’s help each day I get a little stronger and cope better now. I still hurt and want to scream how much his loss has meant, but still I manage another day. Holiday”s are worst because I don’t feel like being very social during those times. Maybe having time alone is good for the soul at times. It is so difficult for those who have not experienced the death of a child. I lost my dad, mom and son within a six year period. It was rough, but I truly believe God will only give us what he knows we can handle with his help and our prayers for guidance to fulfill his life plan for each of us, for we are all his children.
God definitely gives us more than we can handle but He definitely does what he does for good reason. He wants to deepen our relationship with him. He wants to give us a revelation of intimacy with Him that we would have never known without the loss of our loved ones.
You have really inspired me how strong you are with your faith because I lost my son at two months old in I’m being drove crazy I faith goes up in down but I do believe god is real and is taking care of me in my family
I feel your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Duane, I lost my husband 18 months ago. We were only together for 17 years. I know what you mean about the loss and pain you feel and the emptiness. I also lost my daughter 44 years ago. She was 15 months old. I guard her memory in my heart and I agree with you, pain and loss has no boundaries. It always hurts. Prayers for you as you learn to live without your wife.
I lost a 24 year old daughter to a truck driver and later my wife of 45 years to cancer. Although I loved my wife dearly the loss of my daughter is what lingers and was probably the cause of my wife’s death. I have talked with others and and find similar reactions. You never get over the death of a child. Never. You just learn to move forward in a changed world.
I am a mother who has lost her child, so you are right on thinking that is probably what took your wife. The pain is paralyzing and I worry that someday my husband will be in your shoes. God bless you.
I lost my precious, beautiful, amazingly bright warrior, Bailey, on April 11, 2008 at 11 years, 11 months old after an on-again/off-again 6-year battle with very high risk, very rare Philadelphia-positive chromosome acute lymphoblastic leukemia. She relapsed after a nearly 5-year remission, had a double cord blood transplant, but despite my selfish need to want her here with me, I acquiesced with her request to let her go — as her liver, kidneys and lungs failed secondary to all of the chemo and five days’ worth of whole body radiation and bring intubated 5 times in the final two months. “Let go?!?” How could I do that, but deny myself more time with her?!? It was a horrific choice, but I loved and cherished Bailey June more than life itself, so how could I deny that to her?!? How could I find the strength to do it, and keep her alive in my head? Wise and incredibly insightful beyond her years, an old soul, my baby, my LIFE asked me to set her free, and I did! I blamed myself for so long for murdering her, and I almost took my own life. Instead, my ill, alcoholic husband took his (alcoholic cirrhosis, spleen enlargement and a handle of vodka/day at 49 years old)…But because of my inexplicable, profound empathy and love for my precious girl, I did what she asked of me. It’s going on 9 years (in April), and there’s hardly a day that goes by where her name isn’t spoken by my lips. She visits me regularly, though, always sending signs. I see 11:11 on the clock regularly, always seeming to glance up at the exact moment of the time changing. Keep your senses open; don’t ignore random, out of whack things/sounds/images…don’t let them scare you — instead, embrace them. They are your baby (NO matter the age), your angel telling you he/she’s here .. Not in the traditional sense, if course, with which, by itself is an incredibly difficult, unspeakable and unfortunate thing we, as mothers (patents) of angels, have to cope … and tell anyone who calls you a whacko they can find the shortest, highest bridge and take a running leap!! Nothing EVER takes your undeniable grieving or emptiness away, but it WILL actually help you in connecting with your angel by acknowledging the signs. Truly. It has changed my life forever. Butterflies … Dragonflies … Owls … Ladybugs …doves…numbers … Songs on the radio … Sayings your child might have used — will just be there, sometimes, just as you’re thinking about your angel. That’s your Angel. Period. I hope this helps. 🙂 This is definitely one club I would do anything in the world to unsubscribe from, but can’t! LOVE, STRENGTH and HAPPINESS TO ALL OF THIS CLUB’S MEMBERS! Here’s to a lifetime of encounters with your angel(s)!! Peace out. Erica
Signs all the time if your open to it. I give thanks
So beautifully put – words I feel but can’t yet say out loud. My son was the sunshine of my life, and when I lost him 2 years ago (the details don’t matter, but it was so senseless and wrong), a part of my heart died, or so I thought. What I DO know now is that the part of my heart I thought was dead is where my son resides when he’s not being my guardian angel.
Such incredible pain, I hear in your voice and it echo s my own. I maybe was somewhat luckier in that my daughter lived to 25 years before I lost her. She fought so hard and for so long, the pain still too raw to acknowledge. But yes, I scream to cut out the pain of guilt that I murdered her as you also feel that. Also the anger at the partner who left her in the depth of her despair and illness adding to her inability to fight.
I also look, listen and try to find meaning in the things around me that are messages from another place, her new place very close still to me.
The pain still so raw, when will it be better maybe never as I have read here, I am looking forward to meeting her again. Time has no meaning and we are all there is a flicker on an eye.
We lost our daughter 5 years ago to cancer. We also had to agree to take her off the ventilator and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I too have struggled with feeling like I had murdered my beautiful daughter though I know we could not save her. She had fought so hard but couldn’t overcome the effects of a bone marrow transplant from leukemia I still miss her every day and there’s a hole in my heart that can never be filled, but by the grace of God I can go on in my life. It’s helped to know there are others struggling with similar feelings.
I have lost both -children AND my husband of 47 years. When you lose a child, it tears a hole in your heart. When you lose a spouse of many years, it’s as if one side of you is cut off and you are trying to move without the ability to. I trust in God, and go to Him often. He comforts me. Many times He makes me laugh. My car mechanic of many, many years is to have bone marrow transplant this week. The day he entered City of Hope, my car gave up. I have a blind granddaughter who was born with retina blastoma cancer, as were two of her 3 children. Two of her friends at Braille are a blind wife & her blind husband. She had just told me he is a mechanic…a BLIND mechanic, of all things. I tho’t, “I wonder if he could help me?” An hour later he WAS helping me. When I prayed, I said to God, “You didn’t have to arrange an instant introduction, Lord!” He is very good, and I am thankful that I am not left with no help, and no hope. I have so many friends at church and around me. You never lose the longing for your loved ones, but I prefer to think they are in the next room and I will be with them again. I tell everyone my marriage goes on,- at night. I fall asleep and dream my husband and all my kids and me are doing things, going on trips; – my husband +I are working in the house.Tho’ I realize others who died after he did are gone, I never dream he has died. I wake up refreshed and rested and happy. And I thank God this is so. I pray YOU will also experience the same. God Bless + keep you.
This was a very sweet post…praying for you. Keep on dreaming.
Savella, I love your thoughts and writing!! Thank you so much.
My son took his life in 1993 and to this day sometimes the grief is so overwhelming, I can hardly breathe and I think my heart will disintegrate.
My son took his own life almost 4 years ago. My heart goes out to you. I think losing a child that way it such a shock and you feel you should have been able to prevent it, but there is no way we would ever see that coming. I will pray that you let God comfort you as only He can. That’s the only way I got through it. I will always be sad, I still cry almost every day and I will always miss my only son, but I thank the Lord for the years I had him and for helping me through it when no one else could.
My young son of 16 took his life 18 months ago. Not a day minute or hour I talk to him and ask him to walk and be my side everyday. I get feathers from him as his signs and prayers for him.
I will understand one day why he left and peace will come than. God bless his young beautiful fragile soul.
My son, age 14, took his life June 13, 1996. I also have moments in time when the grief hits me like a ton and I am so incredibly sad and miss him horribly. The rest of the time he is with me comfortably, nestled in my heart. A most amazing gift to all of us who love him. I then almost lost my daughter Nov 11 2012 in a freak accident at a Mcdonalds drive thru. As she lay in a coma and the doctors warned that she would most likely die or be a vegetable…I asked Adam to gather those who would help her and guide her back to me. Also, all across Canada, I found out later…people were praying for her…thousands in Church, at NA meetings and in their homes. She is our miracle. And another story…3 years this Nov 11th and so grateful she is doing amazing. could not imagine having lost both my children. its okay to fall apart now and again over our loss..actually it is important to do so… love and hugs from Vancouver Island
My son took his life 12-11-2009 when I found him I died with him. There is no word to say the pain in my soul,my hart, every cell in me. The words are not there even now. My hart hurts for all that have lost a child. I know no matter how you lost a child,The pain is pain we all deal with it different. We all deal with all the what if. The should I.The could of been. The one more times. The begs ,the please,the anger,the yells, the crys,the Whys, THE TAKE ME NOT THEM!!! We all will for the rest of our life. But we will handle it in many different ways no way is the right way but it will be the only way we can at that time.
I too lost my daughter in 1993 she was 10 cancer took her after lots of suffering…I can so relate to the pain i still feel today…For many years it was really bad then seemed like I was doing good but the last couple of years its taking a tole on me again like it just happened not sure why. All I know number 6 hit a cord with me and so well said better than i could explain to others why I don’t really enjoy holidays…it is about a family member never been around for the holidays. I lost my mom 3 months before my daughter then my dad the day of my daughters funeral. The loss of a child is never like the loss of a parent. I remember my mother telling me this when my brother died I felt his loss but it is not as deep for me as it was to be helpless about trying to save my daughters life. The bond of mourning parents is truly as strong as mentioned. I have met the nicest and strongest in my lifetime they will always be special in my heart. Hugs
Margo ~ Losing your parents and a child so close is so very difficult. I know because I experienced it too. My precious mother passed away in July 2004 and I was so thankful to have my daughter there; she was my rock. Then five months later, my dad passed. I was an only child and it was difficult to lose my parents. However, in 2006, the day after giving birth to her second child, my daughter was taken from us from acute leukemia. No one knew. It was the shock of my life. All the other stories explain the void and heartache it caused and continues every day. The worst part was that the three people in this world who loved me unconditionally were all gone. I am a “sign” watcher and the day we laid Kelly to rest there were three vivid rainbows. I knew she was with my mom and dad. Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much
This has got to be so hard for you or any parent. Could you have done or said something or prevent this? Probably not. My wish is that you may let the many good memories flood your heart and he will visit you in your dreams. You are not alone.
I lost my 32 year old daughter June 9, 2013, due to drug addiction. The pain is agonizing and since her death wasn’t noble, I feel deeply that others don’t offer the same consideration to my deep, unsoliced grief.
I miss and love her and feel great pain at her loss.
Having been suicidal myself I wanted to offer any emotional comfort I am able.
Peace to you,
Kelly
It does not matter what your child died of, your child died and there is nothing worst in this world. I lost my beautiful 40 year old daughter, to colon cancer 31 months ago, and I am not sure if I am going to make it I just want to be with my Tina Leigh, nothing matters anymore, the sun doesn’t shine anymore for me, I have been truly planning and reading about suicide just to get away from the anguish and heartache I feel every minute of every day. There is nothing here on this earth for me now. So no matter what your daughter died of it really doesn’t matter, she is still gone forever from you, and being ‘noble’ has nothing to do with it. Your grief and pain is just as great as mine, and it always will be. Brenda Coletta
My Chris took his life in 2002…at age 26…I still struggle and always will. I know of the stigma associated with suicide. People can be cruel. Our children are gone..no matter how..the emptiness is real. God is the only answer..the only hope for our journey to ever have a chance for joy again. I found a wonderful group ministry…”griefshare”…they are all over U.S….website is griefshare.org…my husband and I now facilitate a group in our hometown. As we help others in their journey, we are also so blessed. When Chris died..I wasn’t a Christian…I searched everywhere for answers..no luck. God gave me comfort when it wasn’t found elsewhere. Praying for all who have lost their children…it truly is the worst pain
Brenda, your own life has great value. You have already helped someone who read your post. I don’t know how, but our suffering can have meaning and power.
Thank you for you post, I do appreciate your kind words. Brenda
Maybe or maybe not. Idk, my daughter was hit and struck by a girl driving with 4 other kids in her van at the park. It makes me bitter, angry, and want to lash out at her at times, but of course I dont. I’m angered with her as myself. This girl got no charges, nothing for killing my girl. Tho i know it wouldnt bring any peace to my heatt besides if she had. now her daddy just died in November, a little after 2 years of hrr death, Aaliyah was almost 4. Her dad was my rock who helped me cope and just talking if memories if her made a difference.I wouldn’t know if watching your child die slowly is harder from a condition with the body, but I do feel most for those people who never got peace knowing how or where there child’s remains are. No funeral/burial, but truth is truth in what you say, no matter how they have died the pain is too extreme. I hate the fact of having to be on medication just to pull through another day or I feel like you and many, just take me away Lord to my loved ones again. Tho, now I have had another child, but now hurts me that I constantly compare him to my girl and miss her even moreso.how happy she was and how colicky he is, more challenges and struggles in life, but need to be grateful.Tho I hope nothing bad has happened to you nor I or anyone. Life just does seem so unbearable, breathe taking-not in a good way, challenging, and heartstruck with heartache from such a loss. I will pray for you, for me, for everyone, and there loved ones. No one should ever lose a chil, but God needs young children, or younger children in Heaven too.♡
Please, I know jow much suicide sounds like an option but the Biblensays if you do it you will never see the face of God so if you want to be with your baby, you have to finish serving your time here, in hell on earth. I don’t know why. We lost our daughter who was our only child and she was 5.5 months pregnant. I don’t know anything any more. I don’t feel joy. I don’t want to run out and be an activist or a helper. I need someone to help ME for a change. I am dead without her.
I am truly sorry but I must correct you..the Bible does not say if you choose suicide you will not see the face of God. Jesus says there is therefore now NO condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus and Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God. To all those who have lost loved ones to suicide. .that act cannot separate them from God. I lost my only son too..he was 23 . He died in a car accident. .I love him beyond words..and thank God I will see him again. Because of Jesus this is the hope I have. My son also was a believer and I am so very grateful to my Lord????
Candice’s mom….I don’t believe that if someone commits suicide they will not see the face of God. I can’t find that in the Word of God. All I know is that He is the “friend that sticks closer than a brother.” I believe, with the Unconditional Love of God, He would never turn his back on someone who took their own life. I totally believe that God knows that person’s mind could not deal with the pain. Now that’s not to say that God wants another person to do it, just to be released from the pain!! We all have a breaking point, where our mind can no longer deal with life.Again, that is NOT an excuse! PLEASE don’t think I’m encouraging anyone to do that! If you are able to see what it would do to loved ones left behind, then you surely have the capacity to prevent yourself from going that way. PLEASE, if you are thinking of suicide, call a National Hot Line—there is help out there!!! Call 911 and allow someone else to take over for you. May the Lord Jesus Christ minister to your broken heart at this time
My son, 44, also died of drug over use. We tried for years to reach out to him but he didn’t want our help. He lost his wife and then his son turned his back on him. His son had tried to support him in the beginning but it got too emotionally hard for him so he cut all ties. I don’t blame his wife or his son for getting on with their lives but he was our son and through thick and thin we stayed with him. When he died a great but precious weight was lifted from our shoulders. It was his will to die and leave us in peace. Even though he is gone and not suffering anymore I do miss and love him. I now go to his resting place and have talks with him that don’t end in arguments. God has a plan for all of us. Milly & Larry
kelly , your daughter died just as” noble” asany other child ….drug & alcohol addiction has taken hundreds of thousands of our children’s lives my story is too long to write but i know. !!!! i know !!!! too young , no proper medical care : it’s a one minute at a time disease…. hospitals, detox ( which most are barbaric) & the after care after $30,00.00 in rehab care. i’ve been thrown out of ER’S for demanding mychild get medicated properly to avoid a stroke or heart attack due to severe withdrawals… i got do pissed off at the drs. i told them my child wasn’t going to die as long as i was alive , from this disease. soooo … this is very dear to my heart . my daughter is alive & just now after 5 long years of suffering during the last stage of alcoholism, she is sober & strong today . four Drs. keeping up with her. this is just the tip of the ice burg but i wanted to say this for
Hi,I just wanted to respond.I am so glad to hear from another parent the agony of addiction particularly alcoholism! My only son passed,4 /20/17 from liver failure. Too long story for here,but he battled it for 13 years and was only 33years old. I too feel and believe society feel less compassion for children or anyone that loses their life to addiction. So sad and makes our grief evev harder! Thank you for being open about your feelings.I will be stepping on a lot of toes about this subject as long as I am aive. So grateful your daughter was given soberity!!
My son took his life 3 years ago on the 30th of October. I know have PTSD. Soldiers see friends blown up but nothing is more traumatic than holding your dead child that was not sick, no expecting it just terrible shock. I will never be me again. I have and am having so much treatment but feel dead inside. Just having to go through the motions of getting through one day at a time and trying to give anything I have left inside me to my other children. So sorry for your loss and I understand. My mother died at the age of 23 from a brain tumour. My nan now 98 never got over it, her sister lost her son to drowning at 25 and her brother his son at 19 to an accident. 2 of my dads sisters lost their children in their 30s. We seem cursed. All sudden except my mum. They all managed to carry on though. I don’t know why because losing a child in any circumstances is the same but suicide seems to take the grief to a different dimension. I have read a lot since Ben died about the effect of your child’s suicide. With the victim being the perpetrator and no terminal or genetic cause or an accident your brain just can’t accept it. The grieving process cannot take a natural path. It is no worse than any loss of a child it is just different. I just want a time machine to go back and stop him to hold him and never let him go. It didn’t have to happen I guess that’s why the grief or denial or hope they will walk through the door is felt because you feel you could have stopped it. Maybe we could maybe they would have done it another time. Their are so many questions and no answers X
Sorry for your loss. I too lost my child from a drug overdose 7-18-12 and before that I lost a grandchild 11-18-05 to SIDS. The loss of my grandchild was very hard but the loss if my child was and has been horribly sad. I love her and miss her and think and speak of her a lot every day. I have some good days but it seems more bad days. But in 2-2-13 I loss my niece . she took her own life. I agree that the loss of a child from what way it happens is a life time of pain. But when a child takes their own life it has to be harder. With my child’s death I too have unanswered questions and all but I know that she had a boyfriend and they both were drug addicted to different drugs and that he shot her up with a very high amount of herion after she had taken clozapam and she closed her eyes and went to sleep never knowing she was dying but with my niece even I have a hard time with her death and my poor sister is not well at all. I tried explaining to sister that even thou we both have lost our children the greif is much different even thou it is a life time of pain for both of us I have learned to deal and cope with my loss but I don’t know how to help my sister with her loss. Every time I try to talk with her about how I done something or whatever she always thinks I’m saying my child was better or something of that matter. And I’m not cause that’s not how I feel or what I’m saying. Its that I think her loss is different from mine. Having a hard time putting this into words even now. Please help
Romans 6:23 says “the wages sins pay is death” so when you die ( no matter how) you are washed of your sins. God is love. Our loving God knows us completely. The act of suicide is obviously the action of someone who has mental problems and God knows this. Acts 24:15 says there will be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteousness. Please if you have lost a child, no matter from what means, always remember they are in God’s memory. Always keep in mind God has resurrected humans in the past, remember Lazarus. God hates death 1Corinthians 15:26. He longs to bring back those who are in his memory. And to see them live on earth again ( Job 14: 14,15). Your child will be among them. No matter how you feel about Jehovah’s Witnesses, if you have listened to them at all you would have found they really know the Bible so if they come knocking ask them to talk to you about death and I really feel they will give you great comfort as they did me when I lost a 17 year old grand son to suicide.
Rose Ann, I am so sorry. My son too. I believe our kids are loved and taken care of as God
knows all. I send you a hug and understand Arlene
Thank you so much for sharing this.
We lost our son to Leukemia on March10, 2012. He was 8 years old.
Almost 4 years and it seems like yesterday. I miss him every min of every day. The emptiness is so overwhelming.
Jessi
I have walked your path since 1985, a path that I would never want anybody to travel. Thank you for putting feelings into words.
I have also since May 1986.
We lost our 29 year old son 1 week ago. A police officer, father of two adorable little girls, husband to Summer, brother to two sisters, uncle to 4 little boys that loved him so much. We don’t even know why yet. Halloween was our first holiday without him, followed closely by Thanksgiving. As long as I live I will forever dread holidays. I miss him so much, we all do. Our journey is just beginning.
May GOD bless you during this time. I too lost a son and I will never be the same.
I list my husband of 43 years on May 15 of this year. Then on October 20 my eldest daughter 38 died suddenly of cardiac arrest. Her whole life in front of her. She was newly married in January of this year. At this moment in time I cannot even tell you what or how I am feeling. I am numb.
Gerry and I and our two other sons who were 24 and 27 at the time lost our youngest son and brother, Kyle Robert Fraser MacDonald. He was 22 years old and was a student at Dalhousie U. and U. of Kings College and had just completed a semester at University of Havana. He was killed by a taxi driver the night before he was to return home to N.S. for Christmas. He died on Friday, the 13th of December 2002. Our lives have never really returned to normalcy but I do try to laugh more because Kyle would want me to. I love to talk about him and most times I cry when I do but these tears also bring me comfort for a time. I want my friends to mention his name but hardly anyone ever does. We are blessed that five of his closest friends still contact us on a regular basis and this is such a blessing to us.
I
Hugs….Its a long journey just keep friends close to you.
The loss of my 30 year old son in a freak accident whilst he was attempting to walk home from another young person’s funeral in September 2007. Will live with me forever – there is no ‘getting over it’
I am so happy that I ran onto this page…it is so good to be able to talk to people with common grounds…I lost my daughter a little over 2 years ago…she died of breast cancer …she fought it for 14 years.. She was my first born and I love her so much ……like each of you ..I have good and bad days…what makes it so hard ..is that I have 4 other kids and they think I should be over the loss…they think it is just as hard for them of the loss of a sibling as it is for me as a Mother…I feel like I have such a huge hole inside of me…and I never want it filled..as it Is my Daughter..Lolita’s…spot and no one else’s…I feel so alone at times…I’ve gone to counseling for over a yr…my sister has helped me and I have friends that help a lot too…and above all I have a beautiful husband that has helped me ..and the Lord above …without each of these …I would be sunk…thanks for listening …may God Bless each of you !!!
Hi Joann I totally get where your coming from about my family thinking i should be over this. Everyone seems to handle a loss differently but yours feels like my loss..it is a long journey and often i feel alone when im grieving. It is a lonely road…but keep in mind your family wants you to be happy and as hard as it can be it is good to try to be that way for them. Hugs
I lost my baby when he was 5 months 28 days it took years for me to stop hating people that had twins because my twin died. I did make it, but the next bad day was when my last grandson was born 28 weeks and only survived for 15 minutes. Hugging and holding him for hours didn’t change that he was gone. You will never forget.
I wonder why there isn’t more about Grandparents. I lost a grandson to SIDS at 6 months of age nearly 30 years ago and last year a great granddaughter at 2 months of a birth defect. Grandparents not only have the loss, but have to watch their dear children go thru their grief. I can only ask God for His wonderful comfort for all who loses a child. He is the great Comforter. Even then, sorrow is great.
Thank you so much a friend of mine sent me this link. I lost my son in January 15 after being hit by a truck. Jack was only 18. I miss him every second of the day. Also there’s the flip side, where you feel Guilt…or why…if only….now my aim is to provide a lasting legacy in memory of Jack. He’s given life to others by being an Organ Donor. A matter that’s very close to my heart. Also having an up to date Road Safety Video done….anything to help save another parent going through our Loss. We’ll NEVER get over losing our son, but in some small way if we can make a change, we will do it.
I lost my Only son on january 11th 2015 and somedays I just cannot seem to make it but then I think of his son my only grandson and it keeps me going i know the pain the lost is so hard and with his birthday in a few days then the holidays I know it is going to be so hard I pray everyday for god to keep me going..Gale Horsey
Nov. 12, 1972 is the day my 4 year old son died in a house fire. That was 43 years ago and the pain is there. I made a mistake, I couldn’t speak of him, of the fire, of his short life. I couldn’t even acknowledge I had 5 children, 4 living and 1 dead. I stuffed the pain into a dark place and put a ton of weight on my body to hold it down. Then a few years ago, as part of the process of changing my life (after the death of my hubby,) I decided to pull that pain out and feel it, embrace it, say his name, bring him back to the family. I will go out to the grave (which I haven’t done) and say his name. The pain never left, it can’t leave. The questions that never get answered, what kind of man would he become, would he get married? Children? Many, many more. I am glad I came to this blog, even as I am crying writing this, I can share his name with you. He was David and he was my son.
Bonnie, your comment took my breath away. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son David and for the loss of your husband. I know there are no words, of comfort or otherwise. So this is me, sitting next to you, crying with you and listening to whatever your heart needs to share. I am so glad you feel free to share your pain now. It is never too late. I will join you in remembering your precious David with you every day. Sending so much love to you, Angela
I totally feel the same to mention my daughter name so hard Ashley I just can’t. I feel horrible about this what wrong with me I ask myself? This is what I made my surviving mechanism. To not talk at all. I have decided I will bring her back even if the pain to much I will learn to embrace it and bring Ashley back. Ashley was 11 and was hit by a car crossing street in January 8 2009. I still can’t believe it and talk about Ashley is to relive that momment I want to forget how do I do it how can talking about Ashley bring me joy. I don’t want pretend she didn’t exsist because I don’t want hurt. I want my Ashley very much alive in ME….
I lost my 15 yr old son in 95, the pain never goes away and every morn I wake up, ,I’m so sad that I have. I’m so very sorry for anyone that hurts like this and would give anything to turn my pain into something good for the memory of my Jeremy. But I cant,, I’m miserable! I don’t think I hurt anymore than anyone losing someone they truly love. I was told that if I were closer to GOD I would understand he was in a better place,, well I know he is but he’s not with me! Any prayers would be kindly appreciated because mine aren’t doing g any good , except I’m still here,,,,,,
I agree..I’m so done
My prayers don’t seem to do any gpod either..I’d rather be in heaven with both of my sons. Supposedly I would finally find peace
I feel so for you. I lost a son to suicide 25 years ago and a 17 year old grandson (suicide also) 5months ago. Please don’t give up on God. I talked to those dreaded zjehovah Witnesses one day and was amazed at how much the Bible mentions death, why God allows us to suffer so much and what the future is for the dead. Please if they ever come a knocking listen to what they have to say. They really helped me and restored my faith in God.
God bless you, what a heavy burden to carry alone. I am so sorry for your sons death and your deep sorrow. You will always have grief, but releasing the past will surely bring you some peace. Sending healing and love
Please don’t ever stop talking about your loved ones, they are very much with you and sharing your life. Don’t be afraid, open your heart they are right there! Live for them When you smile they are smiling with you. The connection you had with your child on earth never goes away it is just different, but what you felt and feel for them they still feel for you. They are in a much better place than we are we just can’t understand because we haven’t seen what they have. God is GREAT he has your loved one’s and they are in paradise.
My beautiful daughter Rene went to be with Jesus Nov. 3,2013. I miss her so much the pain is unbelievable. She is always in my thoughts and will be in my heart forever. The holidays are very difficult and yet I give thanks to the Lord for the memories. Time has made it easier and sharing her with friends and family has really helped. Thank you for the 7 things.
Well said. I lost the oldest of my two sons in a motorcycle accident on June 10, 1994; 3 days before his 19th birthday.
In the blink of an eye my world exploded. But life continues one heartbeat, one breath, one sunrise at a time.
I lost my only child, Michael, in an instant in a motorcycle crash this past Mothers Day. How do I ever get thru another Mothers Day?? How can I go visit My Mother or Sister to wish them a “happy” Mothers Day? I feel so isolated. I wake up every night a few minutes before the time of his passing, and live thru what must have happened. My apartment looks like a shrine. An irn with his ashes sits right here next to me. Everything reminds me of Michael. Sometimes I forget to breathe, it hurts so bad.
My heart hurts for you, and I can’t say I understand but I would give you a hug and say after losing my 15 yr old son that I understand as much as I can and wish you could do something special about you and your son on Mothers and son day, maybe?
Hugs Sandi I feel your loss 🙁
Hi Sandi, I have no answers, and I can feel from your comment that you are right in the middle of excruciating grief. My wife and I have lost, and have been where you are – I hold you in the light and pray that He takes away to ugliness and bitterness of grief, and replaces them with peace and an inexplicable beauty.
My first born she 8 mouth old. All I ever wanted was to grow up and have my own baby ????, There was a reason I always said,when I have kids I am going to be so loving and caring and never treat them like I have been treated her name Margie Tegina Bolton I live and breathe her she made my life complete,when she passed I don’t recall 3 mouth of my life,the pain so deep the devastation in my mind my body hurt nothing could ease the pain and is still as it was 35 years ago I never got over her and I never will,and the pain is still with me,the pain has never eased.I’m so sorry for everyone loss We have suffered and will continue to suffer ,until the day we are reunited,with our children,and then and only then will the pain seas,I wait for that day to come,and I wait and wait and I have waited,but I will wait I do not share things like this with no one thank you so very much.
Thank you for sharing this. You will be together again. My heart aches for you, and I’m sending prayers and heart-felt condolences.
This is exactly how I feel. I lost my baby boy on the 2nd of April this year. He was 10 months old. Thanks for this. I can relate to this.
I am so sorry for your loss.I lost my first and only son in January 2015.He was 8 months old.
Thank you for writing this. It has been 12 years since my Angel Marrina left this earth and went to her heavenly home. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her but the one thing I hold on to are the wonderful memories of her 19 years on this earth. I am thankful I was blessed with her for those years.
Angela, I thank you for the words you have written. I lost a daughter n two sons, my three oldest killed by a drunk driver. I am the father and even tho you write for a mother I still relate.
Hi Burt, I’m so sorry for the loss of your three precious children. There truly are no words for such devastating loss. Please know my heart is with you. I write for anyone and everyone, not just moms! I’m glad my words resonated with you. Warmly, Angela
MY son passed away 6 months ago. It has been the hardest and most difficult time of my life. He was 39. I miss him so much some days are hard for me to get out of bed, but I have 3 other children, and 9 grandchildren that mean the world to me, and I don’t want them to think that he was more important to me than them. I don’t think the hurt will ever go away. I think about him every day and talk to and about him every day, but I also cry every time I talk about him and the people that I’m talking to say, “Oh, I’m sorry I guess we shouldn’t talk about him, it upsets you.” Yes we should talk about him. If I wait until I don’t cry I will never talk about him!!! I love you my baby boy Stevie!!!
Everyone’s pain here is so real and so deep. My prayer is that you feel peace somehow. Love to you all x
In 2001 lost my granddaughter at Thanksgiving time 2014 lost my grandson fourth of July time they were 1 and 5. Although they were my grandchildren the pain is horrible. As a mother you want to heal your kids pain and realize there is nothing you can do. I love these words and as I pass them to my children I hope it helps in some way.
I can relate I lost 2 grandchildren 3 months apart. At the hospital when my grandson passed away a wonderful nurse told me about a book called grandparents grieve twice and how true that is. We grieve for our children and for the grandchild(ren) that we lost.It will be 11 years in April that my oldest daughter lost her son and my oldest son lost his daughter 11 years ago in june but the pain still runs deep in me and each and everytime I look into my childrens eyes.
Out beautiful daughter was killed in an automobile accident in1977.She was 22. She was married and had a darling little boy. He was only 17 days old. His dad, and we 4 grandparents shared him. To this day he is the light of my life. Our daughter has 2 beautiful granddaughters. She would have been a wonderful mother and grandma.. I miss her every day and talk to her all the time. We have 2 sons and other grandchildren and several gr.grandchildren, that I love, but I miss my daughter so very much. The accident was caused by someone who went through a stop sign. I feel so badly for all the parents who have lost children. It is a heartbreaker. It won’t be too many years when I will be with her. I am 93 years old. I am not ready yet. She was a precious child, everyone loved her. Oh, how I miss her.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I couldn’t imagine.
Beautiful and thank you for sharing. My daughter died 4 days after an auto accident when she was 6 years old. That was in 1983, and there are still moments when I see or hear something, that it was yesterday.
I looked forward so much to becoming a grandmother to give all that love to someone, and then due to a nasty divorce, and custody issues, my grandchildren also disappeared from my life.
I am 70 and don’t think I can endure any more loss.
You have been such a blessing to me as I have struggled through the last four years without my 27 year old beautiful Beth. She had pneumonia and I found her unmonitored and dead in her hospital bed. Your words are true that it “Would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything– than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children.”
There’s one thing I want to say. Beth was adopted at one day old and my sweet sons were by birth and I tell you the truth, there were times when Beth had to remind me in doctor’s offices that she was not my flesh and blood, on the histories paperwork, and we would laugh together. The love and bond of the “mother of all mothers” is more than flesh and blood. Part of who I am-spirit- is gone. Thank you for expressing so many feeling for me, Angela.
God bless you!
Thank you for those beautiful words. My son took his own life on 20 March 2007. I thought my world ended hen I unfortunately found him. It has been a long hard road, but through the grace of our Lord, wonderful family and friends I get throught each day one at a time. God bless all the mothers and fathers who grieve daily as I do.
Exactly how it feels. This fits for dads too. Inspiring thoughts and feelings. It will be four years in January since we lost our son. This Thanksgiving will mark the anniversary of the last time we laid eyes on him. Miss him dearly.
I feel your pain Butch. I don’t know you but I wish I could take it away. I lost my 20 year old daughter 19 years ago. Tomorrrow is the 19 th anniversity of my last words with her. I’m a 58 year old man sitting here crying like a baby. I don’t have an answer.
Dearest Carol…my heart was so touched by your comments about your beautiful boys…I lost my only son/child in 2012 to suicide, over a girl his first year as a freshman at Louisiana State University. He was our everything…and will always be.
I do speak of him openly with friends and there is usually no response from others when I mention him. It breaks my heart to have others not want to speak of him, like he never happened at all!
Do you speak of your boys to others?
Your road has been a very difficult one and I am thinking of you and all you must have gone through…may God Bless you always…
I Lost my son Jamie D Long August 16, 2015. Jamie took his life on that day which was his third attempt this year. It’s been a very difficult year. My son suffered from mental illness, so many demons within him and his pain was difficult for even me to understand. Life took a toll on him in ways no one understands. I watched him suffer each and everyday. He was denied three times for disability and just couldn’t handle the burden of lack of income any more. I did what I could for my son but it was not enough. I would have given up everything to keep him alive, to endure the pain he was unable to control. The system falls short on how to care for the mentally illness that so many of our family members suffer from. I now understand why is said :I am Broken” so many times, now I feel Broken. I struggle everyday with how to pay bills, never less I would do it all over again to see him again. The challenge that is among those who suffer from mental illness is so powerful, and herartbreaking to those whom watch. I felt so lost while trying to find resources needed in our area. I watched my husband die of cancer and it was different, the doctor gave treatment for years and control his pain, stopped it from getting worse. the support team was amazing but don’t find that with the mental illness. God Bless you all whom have lost a child I now understand this agonicing pain I have heard so much about. My tears flow everyday with regrets of what if. I face Sunday mornings with fear and relive the feelings of he is not home, could I have gotten to him sooner? Would it have made a different this time? The loss of a child at any age is one a mother never recovers from is what I have been told and now I understand. God, give us strength.
I truly understand your journey. My 24 year old son, Kevin, took his life 6 weeks ago after a struggle with mental illness. My heart is broken.
So sorry Nancy and Kathy. I too lost my son on 11/08/16 to suicide. He also struggled with his demons for 8 years, the last 5 being the worst. He tried every drug available, talking to sych doctors, even going thru electric shock therapy to get back to his “normal” happy, ;life of the party self. The shock treatments are what put him over the edge. We tried to stop him from doing them but to him it was his only hope. Steve was 33. We would have sold everything to give him what he needed to get “better” Different doctors, anything. My heart is in a million pieces as I now am taking care of his personal stuff. I have 2 daughters and 2 adorable grandkids to think of but each day is such a struggle for me. I play the what if, should have game constantly in my head. I just want him back…………
I too lost my son 16 yrs come January to suicide. It breaks my heart also when I mention his name and the subject is quickly changed. Holidays and BD’s are the worst and will always be I guess. Its a lonely world out there.
I too lost my son Aug 2, 2011. He was killed at work and has one daughter. He just turned 29 ten days before. I also lost a husband in 2000 and my dad in 2001 which was extremely hard and painful. But eventually after them I learned to smile (inside) again. Of course I miss them and will always love them, but I can remember them now without so much pain. However, time since losing my son only makes the pain deeper and even more unbearable it seems. No matter how hard I try or what I do the days are just getting more and more impossible to face. You are very correct though when you say in the 7 things above. When something does happen to bring joy I cherish it completely because so little jot is in my life now. Thank you for sharing and listening. So sorry for all of you that knows this torture I feel.
Ingrid, I want to say you may be able to see your grandchildren. Check the laws in your state. in 2012, just a few months after my son died Georgia passed a Grandparents visitation law. After over a year in court and Many thousands of dollars (I would pay again if I could and won) I get my granddaughter 24 hours a month. Those are 24 hours I look forward to from one month to the next. Look it up please. It’s totally worth it. Sometimes when I look at her it takes my breath away she looks so much like him. I love her completely as her own person but she also keeps part of him with me. SHE makes me smile. Thank God I also have a beautiful daughter and two more granddaughters I adore. Then found out two weeks ago I’m about to have twin great grandbabies!! (My oldest granddaughter) looking so forward to those two. Maybe I am learning to find joy in life, maybe I will learn to smile again. Just maybe?
Mrs. Dale B.
Angela, you have put into words all the things I have been trying to says since June 21, 2009 the day my beautiful daughter, Erica Marie, returned to the welcoming arms of our Heavenly Father. She was 25 and died as the result of an unknown berry aneurysm in her brain. My oldest daughter and I found her unresponsive in her apartment on June 19, 2009 after our phone call went unanswered. While waiting for the ambulance to arrive Erica opened her eyes and mouthed, “Mommy”. I was so glad she knew I was there with her. She never opened her eyes again. On Sunday, June 21st I was forced to make the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. After 48 hours on life support it was time to let her go. No one understands my loss. There is never a moment when I am not thinking of her. She is always right there. Everyday has its difficult moments. Holidays and birthdays are a struggle. The loss of a child is so unnatural. No one should ever have to go through it. I do know that I have a special angel in heaven and I long for the day to see my angel again….
I have never shared the loss of my son Shaun in public before and feel the pain you experienced very similar. I always think of it as a circle and the gap does close but never goes away. I am blessed to have the best husband ever 2 other loving sons 2 beautiful daughters in law and 4 of the most precious beautiful grandchildren who have healed my broken heart. With prayer friends and family we remember Shaun who is with us every day.
I lost my only daughter Pamela on October 13 1984 she had leukemia and was diagnosed when she was 4 she passed at the age of 10 I also have 5 sons. She is always my first thought when I wake and the last before I sleep .We have always shared her story with everyone and I love that so many people remember her. She is the love of my life and always will be!!!
Karen, reading your words now is the first time I have realized that those we love who pass “early” can be more in our thoughts and prayers than those who are here with us! I will have to think about this more and ponder that this may be for our growth and blessing, which can happen in no other way. Thank you so much for sharing your words about your sweet daughter, Pamela. From another Pamela.
I lost my daughter 1 year ago at 31 she left behind 3 gorgeous kids my grandkids. We don’t know why she died it was undetermined but it hurts So bad to me and her kids and family
Thank you for this. My son was killed in late March. Most people don’t understand that there are days I can’t function for the pain and grief. I am grateful for those that do understand.
Thank you for putting such a fine point and descriptive explanation on our “special” world, the world we now live in, against our will. I am starved for not only the sound of my boy’s voice, but the sound of his name.
Karen,
Your comment struck a cord with me as I, too, am “starved, not only for the sound of my daughter’s voice, but the sound of her name”. I would ellaborate to also say, their written name. Erin Kathleen died of cancer, 18 months ago. From the moment you name your children, you look for their name – on birth certificates, birth announcements, invitations, cards, birthday cakes, school papers, report cards, sports rosters, scholarships, college applications, wedding announcements, then finally their headstone, and then suddenly, there is an abyss. A nothingness. YOU can say it. YOU can write it, but very rarely, is their name written, spoken, their existence affirmed by the the written or spoken word. Yes, starved. I am as well.
Is it possible to be uplifted while talking about grief? Well, yes it is as this article proves. Every word was so true I felt like it had come from my own heart and spilled upon the page. My husband and I lost our son to cancer almost seven years ago. We have adjusted, but as my husband said recently…”2,446 days and it still sucks.” Ultimately the joys do outnumber the sorrows and we are very fortunate to still have two children and two wonderful grandchildren. Still, the grief does pierce our hearts and leave us groundless when we least expect it.
God bless everyone who is has borne this loss and still gets out of bed each morning to greet the day, being thankful and living life.
Thanks for writing this; I found it posted on FB by a FB friend. I lost my son at the age of 2 yrs 10 months 16 days while in the hospital for a sudden illness. I was pregnant with the first of my two daughters at the time, and I truly believe she saved my life from utter despair. My son was born with many health challenges and suffered through many illnesses and surgeries, but he was a beautiful, blond, blue-eyed happy boy in between. I didn’t look forward to college, weddings, and grandchildren with him; but it seems really difficult for people to understand I loved him more than anything! I was going to be the lucky one who didn’t have to endure a total empty nest as our children grew. What I did have to endure was so many comments and questions, however well-meaning, about the very idea that there was some glimmer of RELIEF that he was gone. Also, as I felt it was painful for OTHER PEOPLE who had to see my difficulty in talking about him (though, like all of you, I wanted nothing more than to talk about him all the time), I really learned to push the feelings down, which, as you can imagine, is quite toxic. We lost Joey 22 years ago in October, and I will never be the person I was before. That is to be expected. When you feel guilt for feeling joy, let it go. It’s OK to have the grief AND the joy. I do envy those of you who turn to God for solace; I wish that worked for me, but I’ve lost that source of comfort. I appreciate your efforts to form a community for sharing, Angela. It’s more comforting than you know. I appreciate everyone’s shared stories. In the deepest, darkest moments, remember you are not alone.
DebE, I was so surprised to read your comment on here! And I thank you, for having the courage to voice what you say about envying those who turn to God, and that you wish it worked for you. I have felt exactly the same way since my oldest daughter, Dawn, fell asleep at the wheel and died on April 9, 1992. My daughter had gotten engaged on Christmas, the year before and was planning her wedding for September of that year. There were many times, while driving, that I had to pull off to the side of the road, because something reminded me of her. One time, I drove up on an accident where the ambulance attendants had a baby carrier strapped to a gurney. I panicked and had to pull over, because it reminded me of the grandchildren I would never have. I don’t think I will ever forget that moment, but remembering my beautiful daughter will forever be in my heart. But, I do,again, want to thank you for expressing the exact same feelings that I have had for too many long years. And, I hope that both of us find some kind of solace somewhere, before we see our children once again.
And, for all grieving parents, my heart goes out to all of you.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. This is exactly how I am feeling. I lost my son Caleb on May 16, 2015 in a tragic car accident. He was 5 years old at the time and he just had his first Tee Ball Game. A beautiful day turned into the worst day of my life. You are right, you never stop loving your child even when they are in Heaven. I know I miss and love my beautiful Caleb every waking second.
My first born and only daughter took her life one year after her husband left her. She just couldn’t let him go because she knew that he still loved her. He did love her and saw that she was in so much pain and he did so much for her to try to get her through it . My Barbie was 37 years old. A beautiful school teacher and beloved my so many. I spent the last year every day with her trying to get her convinced to live and she told me that she loved life, her children, her job and me, but sometimes she just couldn’t see her way through the darkness. Now I know what she met. I found her that dreadful day that she took her life and it is forever a picture in my head. She left behind 2 beautiful children. When my grand daughter graduated from High School and from college she cried because her mother wasn’t there. It will be awful the day when she decides to get married. I have my grand son over to our house all the time and it’s been wonderful seeing him grow up. He graduates this year. I can’t wait.
I have grown by the loss. I’m more aware of other peoples feeling and don’t judge nearly so much.. Try not to but I’m human and a sinner. I have compassion when I’m not sure I did before. It’s been over 10 years and like you have said, the pain never goes away. You only feel better once in awhile and then the tears come back.
I have set up a foundation in my daughters name and give out small grants to class rooms when they ask and this year am starting to give out scholarships.. This has brought me great peace in my heart and it keeps her memory going.. I thank God now for my blessing.
In 2007 my youngest son took his own life a week before his 19 birthday. The hardest part for myself & his step-mom was not just the grieving & burying a son, but the blame game played by others– the how come?, why didn’t you know? Both myself & his step-mom spoke to him an hour before & didn’t have a clue any thing was wrong & no matter how hard I try I can’t shake the feeling of could I have done something & why he did it. The worst days are his birthday & holidays.
I know the pain you feel. I had talked to my daughter only hours before she took her life. Why didn’t I hear it in her voice ? If only !
I am sorry for anyone who has lost a child, it’s beyond words. My son, Joey, ten years ago, died by cop
suicide. The love we share with our children does not go away. The one thing I wanted to share was that
I don’t believe our children would want us to stay unhappy and sad, part of me always is but part of me is
glad I had him for a son. I am thankful for the time we shared as a family. I believe you are busy learning
and doing things at wherever we go to. I pray for his well being. The time will pass, days and years,
everyone reading this will be with their loved ones again. Sometimes I imagine how happy I will be.
Life is hard and not understandable, do the best you can, keep your faith. Blessings to each one,
believe and never be afraid.
hi
I feel also it doesnt matter how our children leave us . the pain is enormous,unexplainable. My wonderful son malcolm passed away at 25 due to a health condition( seizure). we prayed and had others praying but we took off the ventalator on may 27,2018 we put him to rest june 2,2018. his dad text me one day and said i keep breaking down. i told him i am so sorry if i could take your heart out while it ache and then give it back when its done i would but our hearts will always ache, i feel lost,confused. i also believe in jesus christ and i am praying for peace,acceptance,healing. Thank each and every one of you for sharing. it is greatly appreciated. thank you and thank you all again for your stories,strength and hope
I’m so sorry but I’m so glad to see a dad on here
A friend connected me to your link. Could hardly read this through my tears. We lost our 22 daughter on 8/28/15. I found her hanging from her bedroom door. It’s a picture that I will have to live with forever…unfortunately. She had 3 half-brothers,many years older than she. So, she was basically raised as a only child. A few of her friends call me or come visit. Although we do not hear from the boys often, I don’t even know if they speak her name…Her Dad and I will never stop saying her name…I will not stop talking about her just because she is gone. She fought an awful battle with bipolar disease for at least 10 years, tried meds, gave up on them when she gained weight. Because she was over 18, she would not get help for herself, and we were not allowed to because of her age. I am so enraged by that fact, and the sad state of mental health services in this State, that ( when I feel stronger ), I intend to start a “war” against. So many young people who suffer with this wind up killing themselves just to end the pain…and it is shameful that our “system” turns a blind eye and ear to them. No parent should ever have to find their child dead from suicide. Thank you for your words to the world, your are so correct, it’s a nasty club that no one ever asked to belong to. But we can’t bury the memory of our child with them…or allow them to be forgotten.
My daughter also suffered from being bipolar. She went off her meds. And the ambulance took her to a hospital and was transferred to a mental health facility. You don’t die from being bipolar. The autopsy showed that she died from undiagnosed bacterial and viral pneumonia on January 10, 2015. The nurses told me she was making up symptoms. She wasn’t…she was 30 years old…only child of mine and my only family. If it weren’t for my dogs and cat, I wouldn’t be on this earth today.
On March 24, 2015 I lost my son Christopher who was 38 years, 5 months, and 3 days. I miss him sooo much and sometimes don’t think I can make it. I cry a lot more and am less tolerant of anything. i miss my baby and wish he could still be here with me. Some days it seems so unfair and like I might not make it but by God’s Grace and Mercy I’m holding on. I have 2 other children, 2 grand children, and a wonderful husband but my heart is broken and it aches for my oldest child. i now see what my friends were going through when they lost their children. One to bone cancer at the age of 17, one in a fire at the age of infancy, one in a car wreck at the age of 20 something, and one whose son was killed at the age of 19. She said the hurt would never go away. We wrote on balloons and sent messages to him in heaven on October 21, 2015 which would have been his 39th birthday. Oh we really miss him.
Hi I’ve lost my son a year and eight months ago, in a horrible motorcycle accident. The pain is bad and I’m missing him like crazy, thinking of him all the time. I was at the accident scene and at hosp when they told me there nothing they can do…that image haunts me every day, and the last week or so, it’s as if I’m expecting him to come thru the door at any moment… I don’t know what to do any more.
The loved ones I’ve lost are alive and well. Even though they are gone from this physical plane there’s still a piece of them inside of me.
No one knows a child like their parent. A parent often times knows their child better than they know themselves.
A child never stops being their parent’s child.
In any given situation you know how your child will react or what they would say, whether they be 4 months or 40 years old. You can visit with them in your daydreams and that piece of them will be there and answer back.
No parent should have to outlive their child, it isn’t natural.
I lost my beautiful 30-year old daughter to BREAST cancer on April 22, 2014. Every word in this article resonated with me. I especially identified with #4 because I used my entire bag of emotions and poured myself into creating a non-profit to honor my daughter’s memory and legacy. My daughter’s life and my greatest heartache have inspired me to be better, to do better and to honor my child. I am, in the end, the keeper of my daughter’s legacy. Thank you for so succinctly expressing what our collective hearts were screaming to be heard!
This was really very well said. So difficult for people to fully grasp the depth of the loss of a child. It has been five years for us since the loss of our son and I have found that people really do forget. That has always been my greatest fear I do not want his life to be forgotten. I also think grief is much different for a dad, and we are supposed to be strong. The one point here is Joy – That one is difficult. Any shred of joy is tinged with so much sadness and guilt. Thanks you again for this – Peace to you !
I’d like to know, as well. I’ll bet a number of us would. As many have mentioned, it can be a painfully lonely place in which we live, even those with families and spouses. Just reading the brief posts of all of these others out there with broken hearts like mine is comforting even though it’s also gut-wrenching. Thank you again.
Great work, I for one thank you for putting into words what so many of wish we could.
Has me bawling!!! I lost my 25 year old son 8 months ago and it feels like yesterday everyday. I cry, my throat closes and chest gets tight all the time. I will never be the same person, and most people will never understand that. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, as it is something that no parent should endure. Prayers to all that have crossed this path <3
I don’t know how I got your post, but thank you. I die inside every day without my son. I wish I could afford your books, perhaps someday. Thanks again
I married my husband in 2009. We are a blended family…I have 2 daughters and he had one son. I came to love his son as my own very quickly! He was such a shining light in this world. Star student and athlete, his world revolved around family and God. We had gotten pretty serious with his girlfriend at an early age, which we tried to discourage because they were so young. However, we loved his girlfriend and would allow them “movie dates” which were always chaperoned. He came to us and explained that he had gotten Ali pregnant!!! They were 14!!!! We could not believe this had happened!!! They admitted it was due to them sneaking out at night and meeting up the road. After the shock, we knew we were going to have to accept this and love this child regardless!! Then…tragedy struck and this tragedy shook us to our core. Lane (our son) had been shot and killed while at his friends house. We knew he was there…what we didn’t know was that the father of the boy was out of town, alcohol had been provided to these boys (there were several there) and there was a gun in the garage that had a faulty safety on it. We still do not have the entire story, we have several different stories. What we do know is that Lane was left in a garage for more than 2 hours while the other boys and their parents “cleaned up” the alcohol evidence BEFORE calling 911!!! Knowing that he was gone was one part of this horrible tragedy, knowing that a 15 year old child was left to die in a garage because others were worried about covering their own behinds is another part of this horrible tragedy and knowing that Lane now has a little boy who will never know his father is another part. Don’t get me wrong, we are beyond blessed that this sweet little boy who calls us Nanna and Pap is now in our lives!!! But the loss we deal with daily is very heavy. We will never have real justice for what happened and we are left with so many questions. I pray for each and every one of you on this post….watching my husband live through this horror has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in this life.
Thank you so much for this article. I lost my youngest son 7 years ago also so trying to read thru this was extremely difficult since you kept referring to your son being gone 7 years. My son was killed instantly in a vehicle accident on Nov 20, 2008…1 week exactly, before Thanksgiving and 2 weeks exactly before my birthday, so the last holidays of the year and my birthday are very hard to get thru. Everything that you have written is so true and as you said, no one understands unless they too have been thru the loss of a child. Probably the biggest thing for me to “get thru” is the lack of understanding of family members. This has been so hard for me because they think I should “be over it by now”… I just can’t make them understand that I will never “be over it”.
Thank you so much Angela, for sharing with us…thank you for helping others see and hopefully understand what a bereaved parent faces day after day, year after year.
i lost my son michael last july 2014 he was 36 years old. i am so heartbroken losing him. its not easy living without him but how can i be happy knowing he is gone sometimes i feel so alone. he is always on my mind miss him so much. i talk about him as often as i can he was an amazing guitar player. life sucks without him.
Thank you, I feel everything you have written. I also write a lot, not recently but I need to get back. God has given me an amazing testimony of how much He loves us. I would love to share it with you if you choose to email me back I will sit at the computer and not on my phone and send you what God is doing through the death of my son Reece Lopez (August 31 2014). I have a lot to share with you and the world, I just need more time as my praters are asneered continually. Thank you again for your encouragement and so sorry for your loss… heavens gain.
I have posted a comment here for you to let you know that I am posting something for you and for everyone who has shared their losses here… and especially, for those who come and read but do not speak for fear their pain will spill over again.
May the Lord bless you and your beautiful family and continue to work in your hearts.
The message I am posting below (or wherever it shows up) is in great part for you. Please seek it out.
~Evangeline~
Please email me so I can respond with a wonderful testimony God has given me through the crossing of my son. I’m not sure if the other reply went through
As I read these comments from so many hurting parents, I give thanks for the technology that allows us to communicate our grief. The loss of our 37 year old son John from a terrible accident on Nov. 8, 2014, is approaching the one year anniversary, and I wasn’t sure what this week would bring. Hearing from each of you has helped me to know that life goes on in spite of our terrible loss, and that we can make it each day by the grace of God, love of family and friends. I know that my husband and I try to be more caring as we live our lives, because we feel that John would want us to share our love that we have for him with others on this earth. As the holidays approach, light a candle at your special meal in remembrance of your child, and this will initiate conversation. Peace be with all of you as you continue on this difficult journey.
My 33 year old only child Whitney Leeann died by suicide this year on 9/11. She was so beautiful, gifted and smart plus most of all she was my best friend in the whole wide world. This pain is unimaginable. Dying by suicide with so many questions that will never be answered. To never hear her voice again in my house or on the phone? I can hardly bear it. But God is helping me keep my head above water. Thanking God I still have my other best friend; my Mommy.
I have nor physically lost a child so I can nor speak to the heart of those who have. I wrote this and some have found comfort in it.
TO LOSE A CHILD
How can you watch your child die?
How can life be so cruel?
Parents don’t outlive their children;
That is the unwritten rule.
How can you bear to stand by and watch
This person you raised to stand tall
Breathe their last breath as the leave this world,
No longer to answer your call.
How can you live after losing a child?
How does life dare to continue?
What are the reasons you didn’t go first
Now everything has died within you.
What explanation can there possibly be
For a twist of fate so outrageous.
You nurtured, loved and protected this child
Through all the growing up stages.
God willingly loans us his children
To hold, to enjoy, and to treasure.
Regardless of how long we have them
The depth of the love is the measure
The value of life does not come about
Based on the length of the stay.
It comes from the love that we share
As we go through the course of each day.
We need to enjoy what we have while we have it
And make the most of what we have here.
For all too soon we will lose someone
Who has become overpoweringly dear.
The depth of our grief is part of the love
that we thought could protect them from harm.
We hold on to that love deep in our heart
Like the child we held in our arms.
Would you rather have not had this child at all
Then to have them for only a day;
Would you rather have not had the person you love
In such an indescribable way.
They were part of our life for a reason
God wanted them here for a time
They will be waiting to greet us
When it is our turn to cross over the line.
Until then we endure the heartache
And remember the joy that they brought
And live each day to the fullest
just as their life with us taught
jnelsonlewis
“BEYOND THE GATE” 2006
Marvelous words. Thank you for sharing them.
I hate to have others feel sorry for me. I feel like they have put me in a place where they can’t be real with me.
Just afraid of saying something to upset me. After all, my heart cannot break any more than it already has been, so please don’t worry about saying the wrong thing! It’s the unspoken words that hurt the most. You don’t have to walk on eggshells in fear that I will fall apart. I’m already in pieces. Please don’t treat me like an outsider. I already feel alone. Again, it’s the words never spoken that hurt the most. Lord please continue to comfort us.
I lost my beautiful daughter 20 years ago. She is and always will be in my thoughts daily. It’s my way of having her near me at all times. I have felt every emotion imaginable and you have put into words some of the hardest ones. Thank you and God Bless you.
I have read every one of these stories and my heart goes out to everyone of you. I lost a daughter to suicide, who was adopted out at birth. I did not get to raise her and I know it’s not the same as your stories because I didn’t get to raise her. But for me I lost her twice first to adoption then to suicide. My search brought me the information that she’d taken her own life on June 23, 1984 I met her parents a few months after corresponding with them for a few months. We shared stories and numerous photos. They had me over to their home with my friend as we’d flew to another state to meet with them. I know I never got to know her as each of you got to know your children because you did raise them. I missed all that but I raised 3 sons and feel that I know what I’d feel if I lost one of them. I just want to say to everyone of you how much my heart breaks for each of you. I lost the dream of ever meeting her and possibly having a friendship with this beautiful young woman. She was 23 at the time of her death. As they’ve said recently that like with Robin Williams he didn’t die by suicide it’s the depression, that takes the life. I agree wholeheartedly with the need for mental health reform making it easier for help to be gotten to for those in need. I know there is help out there but some do not know where to turn at the time. May god give you his comfort and strength. Each day of your life.
Perfect!
Thank you for writing this, I lost my beautiful 16 year old daughter 06/17/1995. Fathers Day weekend, by a drunk driver. It still hurts, people don’t understand that even though they are gone they are still very much a part of our lives. I know I will see my girl again.
It has been 35 years ago today that I lost my son to drowning it was the most hardest and most devastating thing I have ever endured I remember that my heart literally hurt I was so lost for quite some time. And after reading some of your stories it breaks my heart how much pain and loss you all still feel..As the years have gone by I to remember all his birthdays and think of how he might of looked now and what kind of man he would of been but I dont look back in pain anymore I look back and remember with love the joy that he brought the time he was here…..
I lost my son in a tragic way, unexpected. It’s only been three months yet it feels like it was just last week. He was 52. I have a daughter left now and she is also suffering, he was the most important person in her life…he was her everything, he was 10 years older than her so she was his little princess. I appreciated this writing above more than any I’ve seen. I must admit I cried all the way through because I have experienced every one of those emotions and know I always will. I still talk to him now and then as I’m walking through the house, when I am just missing him so terribly….it just feels good to do that. Thank you so much .
This has hit home with me as well and explains so much. It has been 6 years since I lost my son and it feels good to know there is nothing wrong with me for the pain to still be new and fresh. It gives me hope that although I have not made it to the joy part of my loss and grief still after 6years that it does not mean that I will be this way forever and that is ok. Thank you so much for posting
Our son, Michael, died on January 23, 2007 and no one ever mentions him. He was schizophrenic and 34 years old. The previous 12 years had been hard for everyone because actually he died twice. Once when he was diagnosed because the old Michael was gone and we had to try to live with the new Michael. He froze to death on a park bench in Boulder, Colorado. We tried but nothing helped
Debby Price, my Michael hung himself and was found on August 17, 2011. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia too. I try and talk about schizophrenia with people. It helps. The Nova Scotia Schizophrenia Society has been a huge support to me. I have been amazed to find out how many people’s lives have been touched by the disease. It needs to be talked about, it will help you and hopefully others. I miss my son more than I can express in words. Schizophrenia killed him but he was so much more than that.
Well written….and oh, so true. We lost our Rhett in 2004 at age seven….and my wife and I have chosen to re-live our loss every day through out non-profit and mission. Even though I tell our story often, I still find my emotions over-taking me from time to time. I know that Rhett is proud of what we are building as his legacy. I often tell people that, “Rhett is smilin’, he is SMILIN’ FOR SURE”.
As one of those grieving continuous parents of 8 years, the story is so real to us. Erinn left us on September 15, 2007 at the young age of 20. I love to read the stories of other parents and how they cope throughout the years. We all miss our darling children and these sites help us get through another minute, hour, day, month and year. I’ve
purchased your book and have put my daughters name in it for my wife. Just another way to honor the life of such a wonderful young lady. I appreciate the opportunity to share my short story.
My oldest son died 8 days short of his 18th birthday. He died in a car wreck. This was 17 years ago. All the 7 points you make are accurate and true. I have always said I am in a club with thousands of people I have never met. I am so thankful that the last words I said to him were “i love you!”
Thank you; I know that you know, there is no other way to explain how you were able to write this. In our world the clarity of life is enriched with the reality that it is precious beyond anything thing else. Things change in the power of love, we will walk in a way that moves mountains, fear in no longer an obstacle to hinder what we will speak for life and time does not press our defining moments. Elected or chosen for this task does not seem fair but it does seem very necessary.
I am a new member to this horrible club that no ones ever wants to b apart of. I lost my 19 yr old daughter Marissa just 10 weeks ago, on August 21, 2015 @248am. She had just met this boy and had been talking to him for about 3-4 weeks and he owned a crotch rocket which I’ve always hated and she knew that and kept that from me bc she knew how I felt about those. I lost my father in a motorcycle accident when I was just 1. Anyways, this boy had my daughter at a bar at the age of 19 and drinking and so was he, and then he drove drunk with my daughter on the back, then as they got on the expressway, he got up to 130mph with my daughter on the back and hit another vehicle. She flew off immediately and went about 400 ft and died instantly. But he is still living at this moment, but still in the hospital with a ventilator. Makes it so much harder that he’s the one that killed her and he gets to live and not her. It’s not fair. I also have. 17 yr old daughter and they were best of friends and I also have a 13 yr old son, and they were very close too. Our lives have been shattered and ripped from us. I still don’t know how I’m gonna continue without her, but so far I have, but barely. I can barely get out of bed and just want to sleep all day and I’m up all nite. I just cry all day and all nite. I miss her so much and I just have nothing left in me. I honestly don’t know what to do or if I’m gonna make it. But ur words have touched me and made me feel like I’m not alone and others do live like me. Prob would b more helpful if I knew ppl like me that r going thru same thing and kn what I’m feeling and going thru.
I’m so sorry Shelly. You’ve just begun your grief and I know it’s a nightmare. It’s been 1 year since I lost my son, I’m not frantically trying to undue what happened, but reality has hit and it’s very difficult. It’s so important to have the support of people who know what it’s like. Have you done a search for groups in your town? Also, there are private groups on facebook. You can do a search. If you want some names write to me at BQitis@aol.com. Take care <3
Hello Shelly,
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter Maggie in similar circumstances, she was 18 just weeks from being 19. There is nothing anyone can say but you are not alone. You will be in our prayers and I will ask Maggie to welcome Marissa… Maggie is with us always as Marrissa will be with you.
Gene
Almost 8 yrs for me. Two weeks after my son Derick died I became a grandmother for the first time. Too many emotions at one time! Happy sad, happy sad! Wanted to be there for my daughter wanted to be happy, and I was! But……… Hide allot and I’m not sure my daughter got the chance to grieve her brothers death. I have two beautiful grandbabies since then. Only ones I will have. Can you say spoiled! The lives that keep me going!
I have read so many things about losing a child since my son died in 2009. This is the most accurate and heartfelt thing I’ve ever read about it. I feel like you read the words on my heart that I haven’t been able to articulate myself. Thank you for sharing this.
This writing “7 things I’ve learned ” is one of the best things I’ve ever read. My son has been gone for 25yrs, his passing still feels like yesterday, but I have been able to help others in this “club “over the years. I am retired and don’t have as much contact with others. I will miss him until my last breath. God’s blessing to all of us who are in this “club “
Thank you for putting into words on how I feel. This is exactly what my world has been for the past 19 months since my daughter passed away unexpectedly. She was 31 years old and was attending University for her Bachelor of Science in Kinesology. I always said she lived a great life, never used drugs or alcohol, and was volunteering with the homeless in Regina, SK. I really, really miss her – everyday when I wake up, every night when I go to sleep and points in between. I have a greater passion for the meaningful things in life. I’ve recently took guardianship of my five year old great great nephew who was going to be adopted out through the child welfare system. I couldn’t see him being lost to our family. I didn’t do this to “replace” my daughter but to add to my life. My daughter Janell, was a part of the decision to bring him into our family. It just so happened that she passed away before he could be a part of our family. I still have cry for the loss of my daughter. It’s difficult still when those triggers hit. I certainly have come along way in 19 months to find how to live my new life without my daughter. I will always love her deeply and will always miss her. Again I thank you for your teachings.
Right now, my total thoughts are on Sam, my 26-yr-old son, whose body was found 7 years ago today. Yes, he died of suicide after struggling with mental illness for years. I still struggle with what more I could have done to prevent it; I was not only his mom but a mental health counselor at that time. As a family we still talk of his antics and enormous goodness. He made us all laugh and helped so many others because he understood emotional pain in a unique way. My ultimate comfort is believing in a heaven that heals our mind and body, as well as our souls.
Hello Mary,
I really understand your situation very well and what you are going through. I had a 27 yr old son struggling as well, but took his life almost a month ago. For three months, my son was taking medicine for it. I feel really guilty if it was the medicine that brought him to that point or wish I could have prevented it some way.
For your son, did he take medicine?
Thank you for putting all my thoughts in Words. I lost my only child Sergio Alexander Lopez 6/24/14 after eating at aco that contained peanut sauce..I am now advocate and work on having Sergio Allergy Law passed that all restaurants need to label there menu’s with the top 8 allergens.My baby was only 24 years old. If you talk to me I will tell you my son’s story to help from this happening again. Thank you again for putting this in words for me.
Dear Lucille – I, too, lost my precious 30-year old daughter 19 months ago this month. I am raising two grandchildren born to my other daughter who is an addict. My Kady wanted desperately to adopt our 20-month old granddaughter but the cancer took her before she had the chance. I understand exactly how you feel and where your heart is. My thoughts are never more than a millisecond away from her memory and I live with one foot grounded on earth and one longing to be in heaven with her. I don’t believe this is ever going to change. It is evolving into something bearable but it has changed who we are. We must find peace with our new lives and a way to honor our girls’ memories. I’ve done it through creating a non-profit and blog. Only you will be able to know where your peace will be found. Blessings to you on your journey from my broken heart to yours.
Lost our son at 18 10 days short of his 19th birthday we felt a great loss but had no regrets of his life .He lived it as if every day was great was champion to many including family . He did what was right and what hw wanted to do along with work and school .It was a very bad day as we lost his girlfriend the same car accident (not his fault ) .But again we had no regrets as he had done many thing in his life that others hadn’t experienced and never will we will see him again
My comment was not posted
Shortly after our son was killed, we had a lesson at our church’s women’s meeting about death. The teacher thought it was awful and stifling that the bereaved parents of a teenage girl built a shrine to her in her bedroom by leaving everything untouched except for cleaning. What nonsense! I was horribly upset and afraid because I was dealing with my own grief and had not gone through our son’s possessions yet. I was afraid of grieving; of what was expected of me…and then I snapped. “My son can’t call me any more. We can’t talk this over about why he left, and I am not removing him from our lives just because he is no longer with us. He is in our hearts and memories, and if I want to build a shrine to him I will.” It has been over ten years since that lesson, and she was the one who shared your blog post with me. I think she understands now. My family is bereft. We will grieve until we see him again.
This is a wonderful site. I am a member of the club also. My son Duane died 11-6-1994. He died from a construction accident. He stepped off the roof of a Bob Evans Resturaunt onto faulty scaffoling. The board broke hitting him in the head then he fell 30 feet to the cement. He was transported to New Castle In. Hospital then flew by Life Line to Methodist Hospital. He was kept alive on a ventolator for 10 days. I cannot talk or mention Duane’s name. But I will never forget him. He has an older sister, and she has two children. They are what keep me going. But it destroyed my life, my marriage,my being the person I was. I hate holidays. I am still angry with the construction company, the state of Indiana. Because Duane was not married and had no children his life was worth want this to nothing. I just did not want anyone else to have to go thru this pain.
I’m so very sorry Donna for your loss. I will pray for you. Our daughter HEATHER had cancer and lived 4 years. She died May 23, 2014 …. in Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis. The pain is real and you described it to a T. Please, if I can help in any way, I’m here.
My heart is with you all. I was “only” a stepmother, it’s been 24 years and I’m crying.
We lost our daughter 3 months a ago. God is good. He has been so kind and granted grace in so many ways. Death is evil. May God use our sorrows to bring many to Himself. In the end then, if you have Jesus, nothing else matters. If you don’t have Jesus…nothing else matters.
You have spoken truth. I will see my daughter HEATHER one day because she believed in Jesus. She was 34 when she passed. She has been gone 1 1/2 years and I can tell you exactly every moment of that horrible day. But she is awaiting our arrival in heaven and she will be our tour guide!!! Can’t wait. I’m so sorry about your loss, you have just started the journey, it will be hard, no doubt. I know. I will pray for you my dear friend.
New to this ,my 31year old near perfect son drank some whiskey had a blackout ,hung himself in it,he had no idea what he was doing and the pity is he had quit drinking ! Your so right about Jesus helping ,although I feel like someone hanging on to a cliff in a dark ocean with waves of grief battering me day and night as I wait on the Lord to deliver me ,that is my hope ,and to see him in heaven
My Mother passed away when I was 12 after being in the hospital for 5 years from a snowmobile accident, then when I was 21, my brother was killed in a plane accident at the age of 25, now 17 months ago my husband & I suffered a parents worst nightmare when we lost our middle child Jessica at the age of 26. Has been the worst thing I have gone thru. Nothing will ever be the same again for our family. I can relate to every thing said here. We are trying to go on.
My parents lost their 4 year-old daughter on Christmas night in 1982. I cannot truly imagine how much pain they’ve felt in the nearly 33 years. But I can tell you that I am the sister that never met my sister. And my brother is the brother who never met his older sister.
I can tell you that there have been many times where I wished I had had the privilege of knowing my very own sister and to have one that I could sisterhood life together. I have never had the opportunity to buy a sister birthday card or share sister clothes with. There have been countless times that I have to awkwardly say that I either have just a brother or try to tell them that I have a brother but also have sister that we never knew.
The older I’ve gotten, the more I have found that the circle of parents who have lost their children (especially young children) is actually a quite full circle. I used to think that this endlessly painful incident in a parent’s life only happened to a few. But oh, it has affected a greater sum of parents than we might ever realize. I know a lot of families who have not only lost just one child, but either 2 or more, or all of them. It’s a heartache that is hard to bear, but somehow the grace of our the comforting Lord helps these parents like mine and yourself to carry through life and cause the weight of the loss feel weightless.
When someone tells me that losing their dog or cat was so painful, I don’t know where to look or what to think. I am not trying to downplay the loss of one’s dearly loved pet, but the loss of a pet is hard to wrap my head around when I know I have a sister who left this earth before I could before I entered it.
I pray that The Lord helps you and comforts your heart in all the years to come. Hold onto those precious boys of yours. Bless you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Angela Miller!!! You have represented bereaved parents so very well. Reading your blog was like going home. You so expertly expressed my feelings as a bereaved mother. It is like I wrote this myself. I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my son. It’s been 13 years and yet it’s like yesterday. But as you so eloquently wrote I have some purely joyful times amidst the sorrow. One of my joys has been reading this post. Thank you and God Bless you.
I lost my son 7 years ago on 9/11/08 in a motorcycle accident. My heart is still breaking today, I will never get over it !! Holidays and his Birthday are so hard to get through !! Everything you said is so true !!
My daughter HEATHER, left this earth one year, 6 months and 13 days ago. I have experienced every point that you expressed here. My love for her will never die, just as if she were still alive. I also feel that unspeakable bond when I meet another bereaved parent. We usually hug and cry, even if we have never met before. I will grieve for this very lifetime until I meet with her again. My life will never be the same. There is no “moving on” or “letting go”, no matter how much someone tells me it would be best. Even when I think maybe they are right, I feel guilty for thinking that way. The club we belong to, has some of the most empathetic people who “Just know!” We speak with our hearts to each other. Our eyes fill with tears. There is always an empty chair at the dinner table on Sundays after church, always a hole in our family on holidays that will never go unnoticed even if I tried. I can hear others say, she’s bitter. NO WAY. In the midst of this grief is a joy for how precious life is. Life is never taken for granted. Many times I hear her voice in the wind saying “Dance, Enjoy, Live to the fullest, MOM!” and I will. My sweet Heather who lived 34 years of her life is in heaven awaiting her Father and I to walk through the gate. She will be our tour guide, and I’ll again hug her, stroke her beautiful red hair, and healed body. Yes, Angela, we are in a unique club that we can never leave. So one day I’ll see you there with your son, and we will rejoice together. Until then, GOD bless you.
Thank you for great sharing. I have never read anything better. I’ve lost two children and everything stated mirror im experiences excellently.
I Lost my son almost 8 years ago, 2 weeks after his 20th birthday and 1 day before his brother’s 18 th birthday. Such an emotional roller coaster for us as a family every year …. mourning the day of his death the one day and the very next day celebrating his brother’s birthday!
I find that family and friends avoid taking about our deceased children… They need to know that they DID exist and WILL always be part of this world and will always be part of our hearts until the end of time….. Xxxx I know my boy is “Happy” where he is..we as a family might go through some bad patches from time to time but he’s memory will keep us going. …… Until We meet again my boy Brad xxxx
Thanks Angela Miller for actually publishing this information. This says it all. AND it needs to read by everyone – you never know what the next minute will bring or how you will deal with it.
I lost my son Tom in a home accident March 22, 2008 – 7 years / 7 months / 13 days / 2 hours / 22 minutes ago – he was living right outside Dallas, Texas – 6 hours from my home outside Little Rock, Arkansas – he had just celebrated his 36th birthday on March 08th. My heart aches continually and I get so so tired of people telling me to “get over it / move on” I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. I pray that God will grant them understanding but I know unless they have lost a child – they can never understand.
Thank God I have a daughter, 3 grand children, 3 step children & spouses and step-grand children who fill my life with joy, love and happiness, which keep me focused on life – – – but that will never make up for losing Tom.
My wife and I lost our oldest son in 2012. Payton was 14 when God called him home. There is not a day that passes I dont thank God for the opportunity of getting to be Paytons dad.
Watching my other son grow up without his brother is heartbreaking. Like us he knows he will see him again, but it’s the missing him that stays with you constantly. The joy Payton brought to our lives will never be erased. As long as I live Payton will live.
touched my heart
My mom. She had premature twins in 1944. Bobby lived. Richard died after 9 hrs. She then had Bill in 1947. Then a double miscarriage. Then she had my sister Marilyn in 1949, then me in 1952, then my brother Jimmy in 1953. Bobby and my aunt were killed in a car accident in 1960. Jimmy died in a car accident in 1983. Bill died as a result of injuries suffered in a car accident in 2002. My died saw the accident Bobby and my aunt were in, He was right behind their car. He ruined his back kicking the side of the car out so the ambulance crew could get my brother out. He became an alcoholic and died at age 54, in 1974. Jimmy was also an alcoholic. He drank and drove and wrecked his own car, died instantly. We were 11 months apart in age and I loved him beyond belief. I died with him and made myself come back to life, for my husband and my kids. Bill was driving his employer’s truck, and something went wrong. He was immediately paralyzed from the neck down and lived in intensive care from Thanksgiving to the following June. My Mom passed away in 2007. She survived all of those losses and I still don’t believe her strength. When I meet someone who lost a child, I will listen, and I will let them tell me about their loss. It is always tougher than hell. My Mom brought a lot of joy to other people, but she had no joy for herself. For a long time, I thought the losses were my Mom and Dad’s losses. But they were my family’s losses. My losses. The 7 Things are for me too. Thanks for letting me say so.
I have read this post and the comments…I feel less alone. I guess I have suffered stubbornly, not believing anyone could hurt as I do. I was wrong.
Korbyn committed suicide 3 yrs 10 days ago, or yesterday( as that is how it feels ). I feel isolated, I try to function for everyone else.
Korbyn was 20 yrs old, the eldest of my three boys.. I lost my son, my boys lost their brother, my family lost me. I aM changed, I am less apologetic, I am more empathetic.
I am not religious but I am a believer of spirit. I am a pursuer of signs and a forgiven of mistakes.
Korbyn made me a better mother in life and a better person in death. He made me who I am in perfect brokenness.
I wake up and breathe him in and I go to sleep breathing him out. I visit him daily in memories and reminders…a scent, a pair of skinny jeans, a cherry cigar, sarcastic wit.
I suffer in my desperation to appear”okay” I relish the truth in a warm bath of tears of regret.
I don’t know how to take the next step, the next birthday, the next anniversary…I am inexperienced for such a tumultuous journey, but I guess now, from reading your posts, I realize I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.
I lost my son 44 years ago he was 7 hours old. I miss him everyday. It is a sorrow that never goes away.
There are few things I’ve read that are as poignant and real as this.
I lost my Son nearly 4 months ago to suicide. it was out of left field. He was done with this world, and he couldn’t wait to see what was next. I have a daughter who is just now coming out of her anger and I hope we can heal together now. I’ve lost most of my family, and while each loss has been painful in its own personal way, there is nothing that can match this. I realized lately, I have no fear. The worst fear has happened.
Thank you. I want to get to the place of helping others move through such loss. Thank you for continuing to share your heart.
My heart goes out to all of you who are grieving. Thank you for sharing your precious lost children with the world. Your stories are heart breaking and beautiful. May God hold each of you in the palm of His hand.
Thank you for saying how we feel. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t stop thinking about my son. He is in my mind 24 seven. We lost him on November 18th 8 days after his 26 birthday. I have a daughter from my first marriage. He was my only child from my second marriage. He had two daughters that I thank god for. He lived right around the corner from us. Si we seen him almost ever day. But the day he lost his life I did not get to see him. I still cry all the time have a hard time moving on. Can’t wait till the day I see him again. I try to do what I can for his girls
Thank you for putting into words what we ALL feel. I lost my daughter 26 yrs ago( she would be 33 now), and NEVER gets better, never forget and always want to just reach out and touch her but not there.
People say give it time or sorry for your loss but shouldn’t you be over it by now???!!!!! Oh how I want to hurt them but I have GOD to guide me and my words….
A loss of a child is devastating! you will never be the same again never!
Thank you for not publishing it.
Wow you said that perfectly. My daughter has been gone for almost 30 years and I still grieve like it was yesterday sometimes. Thanksgiving is my word holiday because she was born on thanksgiving. I know this year will be one of the hardest because of the milestones you talked about. She would be turning 30 on the 28th of November. God bless you and keep up you wonderful work. I know this was moving to me and I know it will be to others
I lost my youngest daughter 11/11/05 to a drug overdose. She was 25. I thought I would die with her. She was my ” baby” although not my youngest child. She was bipolar, and refused all meds because of side effects she had ” heard of”. So she was self medicating , Xanax and lortab being her drugs of choice. She decided she wanted to get drug free, but she had no insurance or money, she couldn’t get any help. I still feel guilty for not being able to get the money to get her into treatment. This past June, my daughter in law found my youngest son dead when she got home from picking up their kids from y house, where they spent the night. He was 33. His kids were and are, devastated! They are 12 year old son, and daughters 8 & 4. Tying to help them through their grief has helped me in some ways, and made it harder in other ways. But I thank God for them! I want to talk about them without crying, and maybe in 50 years or so, I will be able to. I love and miss you both so much, Abbie, and Justin!????
I LosT AChild In Between My Two Boys As MyUterus Was Not Strong Enough EvenThough I Never Seen The Pain Is Still THe Same AS Each Year Passes I Celebrate His/Her Life W TheLord Whom Needed Him/Her For A Greater JOb The Pain Of Loss Is Still The Same Wether I Had The Chance To SEe Or Not. I Believe IN My Heart That OUr Guardian Angel Is With Us At All Times
I lost my one and only Son Albert–he was 42. Left a huge whole in me. Your words ring true; anyone who hasn’t lost a child doesn’t understand—children aren’t suppose to die before parents. To loose a loved one is a hard thing to deal with–we all loose, parents, aunts, uncles, pets, etc.–but to loose ones child, on matter how old, is a much different thing. I’ve been through it all–buried a bunch–none of them effected me like this. It’s been 2 years.
I am so sorry for you loss:( I too lost my son.. I lost him in a car accident on December 4 2014.. 2 days before my birthday.. I’d like to thank you for this article and hope to see more in the future.. Tho the pain never ceases its articles like this that shed light for others to try to understand what this is like.. There is no comparison to this pain I have in my forever broken heart but I know I have to go on.. Thank you again.
Losing a child is the most terrible thing.that has happened to me. I am always so sad… No parent should have to out live their children.. Never will a holiday or birthday or any other happy day be the same. I miss my daughter so very much. I am sure it will get some what easier, but not sure when. This letter or writing was very true and heart warming.. A big Thank You to my niece, Patty for sending it to me…. I will read it over and over forever,..It will take more then one reading for me to remember it all.
Thank you so much for putting into words what so many of us feel, it’s been 8 years since I lost my son and the wound is still very much alive. Friends and Family just don’t get it, I haven’t attended a Holiday Dinner or event since, I can’t. I look at them all and see things I’ll never have again, my life was altered that day and just like any other big event in my life it has changed me. I can’t be the happy go lucky person I was, and get tired of expectations for me to move on or just get over it. I want to scream when others begin to brag about their children’s accomplishments but know they don’t realize the pain it causes me. Anyway I will be buying your book because this article of yours made me cry but in many ways made me feel like WOW someone gets it. Thank you again.
thank you for posting this. today is the 6th anniversary of my son’s passing. at the age of 25 you are so prepared to conquer the world. he couldn’t he was battling for the 2nd and last time cancer. he touched so many people and brought a different aspect to life when he was alive. he surely lived life to the fullest and no one can doubt that. it is a shame that people do not realize how different it is.
Such a beautiful article!
While I am not a direct member of the club NOBODY wants to join, my amazing sister and brother-in-law are. If I could add just a tiny, small, painful comment…
I do wish sometimes people could also be more compassionate toward other family members as well.
I have had sad times missing my nephew and have heard thoughtless comments to the tune of, “Jeez, he wasn’t YOUR kid, get over it!” Hmmm…????
OBVIOUSLY, extended family hasn’t felt the FULL-ON pain of child loss, however…
when my sister lost her son,
We lost a part of my sister and bro-in-law that will never return.
My other nephew lost a brother,
My parents lost their grandson,
My children lost a cousin,
and
we all hurt!
Get over it???
Hmmm….?
Joy, I read a great article that I think pertains to your point. I understand that our family members were also griefstricken when we lost our daugter and I know I would be as well if I lost a neice of nephew. This article talks about how to help people who have had a direct loss while dealing with your own feelings in a way that will not further hurt the people directly impacted. I am sorry for your loss. http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html
Thank you for writing this. It helps me to understand the pain and to know how to treat my friend who lost her daughter; and it helps me to know what NOT to say. You did a good thing with this post.
Sarah Lounell Long July 30, 1982 passed August 14, 1988. She was our blessing from heaven for 6 brief years.
She got viral miocarditis. There was nothing that could be done. An emergency heart transplant failed. We relive those last few days over and over again.She has been gone 27 years and still there is a gaping hole in our lives where she should be. You come upon things like this post that stop you in your tracks and open the wounds and make your heart bleed again. People in your life can’t figure out what is wrong with you. The hurt and loss never heal. We do love our baby girl still.
Your words are so true. I know 4 sets of bereaved parents and always felt so bad for them. I never knew what to say to them because I never thought anything I could say would help. Then I became a member, and I know now that I should have spoke to them about there children. Let them know their child existed. I lost my one and only son on 2/6/2013 to a drug overdose. He did not have a drug problem that I know of but on his cell phone he asked a friend to bring him some xanax but he died from an overdose of oxicotin. Of course no one knows who brought it to him. Just making these comments on this article reminds me how much I still want people to remember him, that he existed. He was a good kid with a huge heart. I hate being a member of this club but I do know what you are saying is how I feel. Thank you for publishing it so that our friends, coworkers and family can know how we feel and that it is not unusual for a parent.
Thank you for writing with such accuracy! We lost our 27-year old son (heat stroke) on 13 January 2008. He had been married for just over a year. 5 years and 1 week later, we lost our 28-year old son (drowning during the Half Iron Man in East London – South Africa). He was married for just over 2 years and left a 1-year old daughter behind. The loss, heartache, grief is indescribable… Our two boys in 5 years. And then people say we are over-protective of our only living child, who is married now for just over 3 years and has two children.
The 3 grandchildren are our saving grace, they make us laugh and smile with their innocence and ignorance of this cruel world. But when it is just the two of us, the absence hits us like a bomb again and again. When we see our little granddaughter, who doesn’t even know her daddy, my heart breaks.
We love and miss our boys soo much.
I lost my beautiful kind, loving daughter nearly a year ago she was a loving mother to my 2 year old granddaughter she was only 28 she was happily married and living in america, she had epilepsy and had a big fit in her sleep and suffocated in her pillow, I love and miss her with every beat of my heart aways in my mind and my heart will never heal, she died on chtistmas eve 2014 love u lisa till we meet again,
I’m deeply saddened by the losses I’ve read about here today. I haven’t personally lost a living child and I know this is different, but my ex-wife aborted our first child. I’ve a history of substance abuse that’s been in remission more than twenty years now. In recovery I’m saddened because I stood by my ex-wives decision. All my adulthood I had wanted a little girl to support, encourage and love. I often wonder if the child I didn’t protect with my life because I believe in a woman’s right to choose might have been the little girl I continue to miss today. I know this is different, but still the pain is great beyond words. I’ve witnessed the love between my Dad and my sisters as we were young and well into adulthood. That is a love I’ll never experience in the same way as my Dad. Still yet, I have granddaughters whom I’m kept from because I live with schizophrenia. And I have a friend I’ve always loved and often thought of although we were apart many years. When we reconnected, I learned of her loss of her daughter. God has assisted me in overcoming many things, but the pain of loss of a loved on never ends. The love for that person never stops. in that light and due to lack of experience, I believe I hurt and dishonored my friend and her daughter. I thank you for this site. I’m deeply saddened for its necessity, but thankful for the honorable sharing and teachings contained herein. It is my sincere desire to visit here from time to time in hope I don’t again show a lack of love, consideration and honor towards my beloved friend and her daughter. Again, Thank you. God bless us all each and every one. Peace, John
I lost my only child. Jonathan to cancer at age 25 in 2012. Still seems lie yesterday. Not a day goes by that I Dont cry for him. Jon was a smart ,caring person who just graduated from college , ready to start the next chapter in his life when he was diagnosed, He loved playing guitar and writing his own music. Each day I would give anything to hear him call me Mom and to hear him playing his guitar.I have great family and friends but nobody really understands how life changes when you lose your child.I feel that he was cheated and I feel guilty that I am still here and he has gone to heaven.. I will continue to celebrate his life and keep his memory alive.
I (unfortunately) am a member of this club. 1/28/2004 I lost my only child to a devastating brain cancer. He was 9 years old. It (cancer) was swift and ugly. I feel sometimes that I am a survivor (barely) of cancer. He was beautiful, amazing, the best thing in my life and I still everyday think about him. It’s only been recently that I have started my healing process. It has been slow but beautiful. I almost didn’t make it. I often say it feels so amazing not to feel so bad everyday!!! I am so glad I chose to live my life in honor of my son, instead of death for myself. I know that’s what he would have wanted!! I know there are moms out there that maybe reading this and saying to themselves “I will never feel better”. I wish I could say it’s going to be easy, it won’t! But I can say, that if you choose to find away to pick yourself up and walk through the grief, one day it will be worth it…….
I have lost three sons – Gregg at 2 months in 1958; Jeff at 45 in 2007 and Scott at 57 in 2014. I am not bitter and am thankful for the support I receive from their step father and my two step daughters. I think often of my great grandmother who had 14 children and when she died at age 92, was survived by only 6 of those children. It was common in those days to outlive your children but I know the grief she suffered throughout her life and yet she lived on. I remember the joy that my sons brought into my life and know that “everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes finding that reason is a challenge, but I hope some day to know why I lost my sons at such an early age. I will go on and enjoy all the time I have with my grandchildren and hope that I can somehow be an influence in their lives.
Le 5 mars 1998, sera toujours gravé au fer sur mon coeur. Une cicatrice profonde, douloureuse mais pas pour le moins respectée. Je venais a peine de commencer à respirer au chevet de ma fille de 5 ans qui venais d être diagnostiqué épileptique et voilà que quelques minutes si non pas seconde on m annonce que mon autre fille de 11mois venait de décédée sur la table d opération à 5hr hrs de routes d’où j’etait à ce moment. Shania-Anne à protégée sa soeur au moment même de son décès et elle nous protège encore aujourd’hui. J’ai encore aujourd’hui beaucoup de difficulté à ecrire ces événements troublants sans pleurer chaque mots écrits sur ce texte. Mais je sais que je ne suis pas seul à pleurer ces larmes. Je sais que chaque larmes qui tombent pour un enfant fait battre le coeur d’un autre.
I feel as if I could’ve wrote those same words.. This is my life and I have been living these way for 11 years..I was blessed with my son for 6 months and 16 days…and just like that it was over. My life changed and I can never get it back . Everything inside me was ripped out, I try to get over it.. I thought with time my heart would mend, but how can it? Its like no one truly understand . I’m never happy even when I look happy. I just pray that I make it to heaven, then the next time we meet it will be forever.. I can’t wait to read your book, finally someone who understand
Thank you so much for the kind and so true words. My husband and I lost our 21 yr. old son to a drunk driver over 6 yrs. ago. The pain never stops. Believe it or not, I actually had one of my brothers tell me to “get over it already!”. He said this to me about 3 yrs after our son was killed. He was our only child and the only child I was able to give birth to.
I cannot believe that people, even someone that I thought loved me and that I felt close are capable of such ignorance. But you have lifted my heart today. I cried uncontrollably while reading this, but at the same time felt great comfort in knowing that there are compassionate people in the world. Total strangers, but people I feel a bond with now. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart!
Angela,
Thank you for your courage to heal and for your dedication to helping others in their time of need. There are so many lessons that come with any form of loss and I love how you’ve assembled these seven into such beautiful fashion.
I am coming to you via a friend who has followed my own journeys through child loss and the work I do to connect with others along the paths of their own travels. Might I share with you a link I recently wrote. It’s titled “What Kind of Mother Has No Child?” http://annahelizabeth.com/2015/05/what-kind-of-mother-has-no-child/
I’ll be joining you on your social media sites and adding you to my neighborhood of inspirational bloggers. Thank you for helping to heal a world of hurt.
Yours in hope, healing, and happiness,
~AE
Thanks You so much for this,Reading this and the comments here has me in tears. I to am also A Member of A Club no one wants to join.I lost my Child 10 Years ago She was 16.It pierced my Soul she was the only Person in my Life that i knew for a fact loved me unconditionally no matter what.
I believe no one has the right to tell you to “Get Over It, Move On,Go on with your Life” I thought my Daughter was asleep and She was gone there was nothing I could do for her she was cold.10 Years later I still struggle to get that Picture of her cold lifeless body out of my Head.she would actually turn 27 November 24th and the Year She was born it was Thanksgiving Day.So I dread Holidays and it’s double hard because Her Birthday is also right around Thanksgiving. I’d like to tell you I just think about all the good Times I had with Her and I’m by no means ungrateful for the short time God allowed my Family and I with her,But sometimes I still fall a part ..
This. This is amazing. You have spoken truth. Grief beyond measure. . . unspeakable joy. Thank you. As a grieving mom I am grateful for you.
I lost my son on the 15th of August 2015. He was 24 years old. He was diagnosed with cerabral palsy when he was 8 months old. He only walked when he was 7 years old. He also had no speech. He had to have many operations to correct his legs and when he was then diagnosed with Epilepsy in 2012. In May this year he was diagnosed with cancer. It was already stag 3. They gave him 6 months to a year. Radiation and chemo wouldn’t help. He died 3 months after he was diagnosed. These were the most painful months that I have had to live through. The pain that he was enduring would have driven anyone mad. He was a special child. His name was Nathan which means ” a gift from God”. He accomplished more in his life than anyone could dream of. He died in my arms at home and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. At his funeral there were many that paid tribute to him. It was the most amazing send off. Now I sit alone and think of him.
So sorry for the loss of your son. How wonderful it was that you got to be with him until the last minute. I wish I was so lucky. I remember how hard the first year was for me and my family. Sounds like you are a terrific mom too. Sending you many prayers!
I have a friend who knew my son from birth and is one of my closest dearest people in my life. We work together as well in a small office which is nice (especially on my bad days). My only advice to you is if she wants to talk about her stories whatever good or bad talk like you would as if she where still here because to her she is living vividly in her heart. If I’m having a bad day my sweet friend just looks at me and says 3 words that will either have me in tears or make me crack a small smile “Want a hug”. While this small gesture seems weird to some for me having someone know me that well is comforting. Sometimes I take the hug and cry but it does get my emotions out for that day, sometimes I just smile and say no – not sure of my reason’s for either but having her ask and knowing why is very comforting.
i lost my son a year and a half ago and he was my first and only one he was 3 months and 4 days old he had died from sids he was my everything
Hi, I lost my daughter from the same thing. Any ways of coping? How do you go about your day without your angel? I lost my girl last week. And i am having a very hard time accepting it.
I lost my son in 2011 ay the age of 33. Hr lrft a wife and 3 small children. I lost his father just 10 months earlier. My son died from an infection called sepsis. He was a young and healthy man he died after three days. I thank you for putting into words how we in our club feel. You really never ever stop loving your children. People who have not gone through it just can’t understand, and I hope they never have too. Thank you.
Beautifully written! My husband and I lost our daughter Rebecca at the age of 19 from a rare cancer.(February 28, 2008) Our daughter Rebecca was kind, beautiful, intelligent, talented, however, Cancer does not discriminate. Rebecca continued to live a full life after diagnosis. Rebecca found her strength through her faith. We continue to believe Rebecca is alive and now living the fullness of life in heaven. We know in our hearts that we will see her again, and until then we continue to live a full life for we know that this is not only what she would want for us, but also we can keep her memory alive. My husband has written a book about her faithful journey (“Rare, My daughter’s faithful journey through cancer) My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a loved one.
My name is Janice Peden. I lost my son Christropher Michael Clark will be 6 years this coming Janurary 2016. He was killed in a car accident, because of a drunk driver his cousin was driving the car which my son had chosen as his sober driver, but he chose to drink over the legal limit and so over corrected and hit a mail box and it threw the car out of bablance and across the road and hit a row of trees and one hit my son through the window of the car and crushed his chest and he was killed instantly, which I thank the Lord for that part. So this happened it will be 7 years on january 2016. I mourn his loss everyday or at least think of him everyday. He was the only son i had and I have an only daughter, Michelle Clark Satterly. She was 10 years older than he was so she babysat him alot. they were like two peas in a pod loved each other so dearly. He after high school joined the Army and spent 5 years in and came home in the mean time in the army he got married to his high school sweetheart, they had been married around 4 or 5 years I forget. Ok so then when he came home we all were so relied that he was haome and safe…or so we thought but NO he got killed in a car accident. we all had prayed for him so much that we slacked up on prayer when he came home from the war, WRONG THING TO DO NEVER SLAC UP ON PRAYER FOR YOUR CHILDREN.OK anyways he has been gone almost 6 years and the pain never goesa way but it does get easier to deal with somewhat. Justgo to the grave yard very often i still go alot as often as i can. This pain never goes away for me…but it does get somewhat easier in time. but is always there deep with in my heart, LOVE never dies. my love for my son will never die just as my love for anyone that I love will never die. thanks for listening to my sad story Love never dies. right especially love for a child even if they are grown. thanks for listening to me and my story. god bless all who have lost someone they love so much.Janice Peden. <3 in christ love too.
Our son took his own life at age 36. What a waste of so much potential. He was a fixer but would never ask for help. If the rent was due but you needed $100, he would help you instead. He left a 5 year old son who is his daddy’s image in so many ways. Not until the day it happened, did anyone ever think that this was a possibility. Everyday since, my husband and I think of him, Love him Miss him more that you know. Our daughter is our rock. And keeps us going. WE all have faith and love God . So many times people who lose anyone, will blame God. Get mad at God. WE never have, The only thing that gets me through, is that God has a plan and even while I carried this little human being in my body, God knew that he would take him. God a knew how he would leave this earth and when. It was us and all he left behind that knew what a hole would be left in out lives and hearts. WE lost a son, Our grandson lost his daddy. His wife lost her husband, a man who loved her more than she will ever know. He had so many more friends. Our daughter lost not only her brother but her BEST friend. No one who has not ‘experienced this type of loss, the loss of a child can ever understand. My husbands’ father passed away three years to the day of our son’s memorial. Even as hard as it was, it is the way it is supposed to be.
I lost my only Son 02/08/2007. We was and continues to be the light of my life. It took me years to get this far, able to say his name without breaking down, able to say my son has past away was the hardest thing to learn how to say. I have a Daughter whom I love with all my heart too, she has been my rock. She grieves a little differently than I. She walks forward as I expect her to, but I stay in the same place afraid of forgetting what he looks like, sounds like and feels like. Thank you for sharing your beautiful truths that no one else could possibly understand unless they too have lost a child. Blessing to you
i lost my daughter 5 yrs ago september, she was murdered, a brutal murder, she was a well known across the country softball player, going to college . she was 22 and i still can’t find it in myself to clean her room out. nobody but our group truly understands the pain we feel. thank you for putting into words all of my feelings.
The 20th year anniversary of our daughter, Kristen’s, passing is almost here and it is still as difficult as it was the very first time. She was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 21 months and lived for 3 1/2 years, consisting of operations, chemotherapy, radiation and numerous hospital stays during that time BUT, our little ‘angel’ taught us just what is truly important in our lives . . . . love, laughter and family NOT ‘things’. We have, since her passing, replaced that couch where freezies and popsicles were melted on for example but we can NEVER replace our wonderful daughter. I miss having that daughter/mother relationship so much. We have a son, daughter-in-law and an absolutely ADORABLE grandson, all of whom we love and cherish but, . . . . . there is still a hole in my heart that even they cannot fill. Her father will never have the chance to walk her down the aisle at her wedding and we will never be able to spoil her children and hold them and watch them grow. Every loss is difficult but this one still knocks me to my knees sometimes (literally), even after all this time so. . . no, people I am still not ‘over it’ and, that’s ok because ‘life does go on’ but ours was changed forever by cancer. I feel her presence around me every second of every day and that will have to be enough for this lifetime as I know in my heart we will be together again.
It’s been 17 years since my son passed. I just want to thank you. The gaps left in my life from his passing never go away. Holidays and his birthday are especially difficult.
Thanks again..
Seven Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child was just what I needed to read today. Thank you for what you do to help all of us who have lost our children. My son was a Deputy Sheriff here and was killed by a drunk driver while on duty. This happened January 2, 1990. He was 23 years old, two months away from his 24th birthday. I watched my husband die a slow death because he just could not cope with the pain and loss of his only son. He died in 1993. I still feel the pain and will always feel it but I also speak about my son when I can. I’ll admit I feel very much alone. Prayer is what keeps me going. I have a sweet niece who sent me this on Facebook and I’m so thankful she did.
Thank you for this article it helped me I too have lost a son he was almost 2 years old and this article explains how a person feels after and forever thank you
My only daughter died five years ago from a brain tumour. Taralyn was 30 years old, one week shy of her birthday, She died on our wedding anniversary. She was a teacher and a wife, trying to get pregnant with her first child. Not only did she die, but our hopes for grandchildren died,too. We live one day at a time and have made some drastic changes in our lives. Every year we have a golf tournament in her honour and we donate money to a suitable charity. We miss her every day, but death does not end a relationship or our love for her. My fervent wish is to see her again,,,someday!
My son, William David, passed away 51 years ago on October 25th and died on October 26, 1964 from Hyaline Membrane Disease of the Lungs. He was born before my first-born daughter was a year old on November 11th. I came down sick with Rheumatic Fever while caring him and was given meds that I’m sure was not good for me and in the hospital. You just wrote everything that I have felt all these years and I really get depressed more so on his birth and death day. I was blessed with three more daughters after him. I’m have four beautiful daughters now but miss my son so very much. It’s like an empty hole in my heart. He was baptized before he died and I know he is in heaven waiting on his Mother. I’m so very, very sorry for your loss as well. (I have linked my site with yours).
I became an Angel’s Mom on March 30,2013, My Zachary moved on at the age of 13 after sustaining injuries in an accident while cutting wood with my husband. I say moved on because in my heart and mind I cannot say he is dead. I still feel him in my heart. I cannot say that I lost him because it is not as if he got separated from me in a grocery store and is only a couple aisles over. I wish it were that easy to bring him back, but it isn’t. I have to learn to function every day. There are decent days and really bad days. There are days that all I can do is cry and then there are days that I can actually face the world. I never know what tomorrow will bring and there are days that I wish it would just all end. The only thing that keeps me going is my remaining children.
In the weeks following his moving on, we were given so many signs that he was okay and that he was happy. His sister was having a really hard time dealing with his moving on and was so very angry at God. I tried to talk to her about it and she told me God had not done anything for her but tear her heart out. If He would only give her a sign that Zack was with Him and okay, she might believe again. We all went to eat at Zack’s favorite Asian cuisine restaurant. It was the first time we had ventured outside the house and it was almost as if we were led there. After eating, we got our fortune cookies and my daughter opened hers. She read it and burst into tears. It read, “God watches out for you especially.” She had received her sign. Now, she will tell anyone she meets that her brother is in Heaven and is doing great. When she knows I am having a hard time or am upset about something that Zack will not get to experience, she will say, “Mama, you know Zack is always with us and he is learning, seeing and doing everything we do. He has already graduated into his true form. He is an angel with God and we will see him again.”
I think that one of the things that terrifies most parents who have had a child that has moved on is that their precious one will be forgotten. That it will be as if this person who has changed our lives never existed. That fear haunts me daily. Zack touched many lives while he walked this Earth and continued to after he moved on through our family choosing to donate organs and tissues. That in a small way has brought us some peace. Knowing a part of him still lives today. That he is continuing to help make lives better, just not with his beautiful smile or silly jokes.
There are so many stories I could tell about Zack. How he changed my life with his presence. Or how he always smiled even when he was suffering from the medical conditions he had. How at his funeral, children in class would approach me and tell me how he talked to them about God and His love for them. Something I did not know he did. How he proved to many that there are good people in this world just by being his loving self. All these things are just the tip of the ice berg that was the life of my baby boy. He was an inspiration to all who knew him. And although I know that others miss him, but there is no one who misses him more than I. A piece of my heart moved on with him. Sunny days are still dark and stormy days are just an external expression of the storms of pain that blow non stop in my heart. Yet, I still go on. Not for myself and not only for my children, but because it is what he would want me to do. He once told me that I was the strongest person he ever knew and I intend to make him proud.
Thank you for this blog. It completely summarizes how I feel. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
I lost my only son (we have a daughter) on December 29th, 1995, from severe head trauma, a day after being hit by a car. Danny was 14 years old. It was also his dad’s 40th birthday. I am not looking forward to this year’s anniversary, every year we go through the motions and take my husband out to dinner, but something is not quite right. But how do we celebrate him? I would love some suggestions on how to give him some joy on his special day. Many years ago we were invited to attend his high school graduation mass, without him of course and it wasn’t easy, but a doctor told me to just focus on the service aspect of the day, not how miserable we felt being there without him. It helped, but I’m frozen thinking how we could celebrate his special day this year.
This is such a great article & helps those of us to continue to grieve. It has been over 4 years since I lost my son to suicide & the pain does not go away….ever!! This article is so helpful for me. With the holidays approaching, the heartache seems to come in quicker, longer waves once again. Even after 4+ years, I’m still at a loss for words at times & numb from the painful loss. Thank you for sharing this writing and putting the feelings & ways of coping into such an understandable perspective. Very helpful to me..
Thank you for so eloquently putting into words how many of us fee who have lost a child. I lost my son at 17 years old to a degenerative illness, that no one could diagnose. He was initially diagnosed as autistic at 2 1/2 years old. I saw him deteriorate for 12 1/2 years until he passed. In my heart, I knew that he would probably not make it to his 21st birthday. I have been without him for 7 1/2 years, and I still dread the holidays, and his birthday on January 3rd. The pain is not as intense, but it is still there.
A friend of me told me that after a year of grieving, I should not be depressed, even though I carried on through each day without breaking down. Life still goes on for others, but not for the grieving parent.
Sorry for your loss, and other parents who have commented.
Tho I have not gone thru this (my parents lost a 4 year old), I was given the gift of empathy, actually being able to put myself in other’s places and feeling their pain. Pretty hard at times, I must say, but it has given me the ability to feel what others are going thru.
My heart goes out to all of you, and the empty places your kids should be filling. Just heartbreaking to a parent. If I could bring peace to anyone, I would like to say that tho it doesn’t feel better right now, I believe that the Lord will make up for whatever was lost, in Heaven someday. Any lost time with your child will be made up. Find hope and comfort in that… God bless you all with the comfort only He can give… <3
This is the best article I’ve ever read and so true! I lost my 16 yr. old son 10 years ago this past March. #6, about holidays, is especially true. Most people don’t understand just how hard this holiday season is. Thank you so much for putting it into words.
I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and have ordered your book. I too have lost a son, now 21 years ago, which seems like yesterday at times. I couldn’t have stated those facts any better or clearer. My book has also been published and can be purchased on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, “Grief…not over it, just thru it!” by Jaqueline M Hayes. It was written a few years ago before I remarried. Anyone who is interested please feel free to read it. It is also available in Kindle edition at Amazon. I ran a chapter of The Compassionate Friends for 7 years and just recently gave it up when my husband was diagnosed with throat cancer and my plate was full and couldn’t devote that time to the group.
I’m sad about all of the loss of children;I didn’t know about the pain until reading about so many. My daughter lost her son (24)and the loss is so hard, she found this page and deaths are so real. I ask GOD to always come into our lives in pain and grief, unbearing grief.
I’m sad about all of the loss of children;I didn’t know about the pain until reading about so many. My daughter lost her son (24)and the loss is so hard, she found this page and deaths are so real. I ask GOD to always come into our lives in pain and grief, unbearing grief.
Reading these comments breaks my heart, but also helps me step out of my pain and more clearly touch my mother’s pain. See, my precious mother lost her eldest daughter, my amazing big sister, 7 years ago. My sis was 57 and fought breast cancer for 9 years. My life has slowly fallen apart without my sister, nothing is right without her. I know my mom suffers, but she won’t let herself visit that deep void. Now, though, I understand that her pain sears the heart so badly, she cannot bear to speak. I also know that she wants to be strong for me and for my sister’s daughter and for my son. I lost my 2 1/2 yr old foster daughter (she was fatally abused and would be 23 yrs old today) 1 yr after she left my care. We were so bonded, that when I got the call of her death, I doubled over and couldn’t breathe. I remember falling to my knees, my mom and sister holding me. But, I know my mom’s grief is much greater than, and on a different level, than mine for my sister or my foster daughter. I just want to hold my mom and take all that pain from her heart. Mom is 86 now, but the moment sis died, my mom began to deteriorate. My wonderful mother.
My daughter died in a car accident on 9/27-28/2009 ,, she was 29 years old, and left behind her two children (ages 7 and 9 at the time), I believe that there really is no “easier”. After some time. It gets different, not easier, as time goes on and acceptance is reached. Of course, there are so many things (people, places, songs, etc.) that assure that I’ll never ‘forget’ the impact she had in my life and everyone else who loved her. Sure do love her, miss her, and SO wish she were here 😀 <3
Angela,
I feel blessed to have been able to read your words. I lost my only child two years ago in October and am raising my two grandchildren. Thank you so much for all you do to reach out to those that are hurting and those that have to live with those who are hurting.
My son died 5 years ago. While the pain changes, it’s now like an unwelcome friend instead of the most horrific pain I’ve ever felt. My son has a son, my precious grandson, who reminds me of his Daddy. Of course, no one can replace my son, but seeing him live on in his son is some comfort. I’ve had people ask me if I’m over it yet, I will never be over it. Losing a child changes you forever.
I lost my Beautiful blue eyed baby girl, just last week. On December 2, 2015. She was 4 days shy of 6 months old. They believe it to be SIDS right now. I am like a zombie. I see no way that i will ever be able to cope, or understand WHY!!! I am LOST. I dont know how to go on, living in this world without my sweet Haylee. She was healthy, and happy, and very much loved. I know that someday MAYBE i will learn to not blame God, but right now, I am angry, bitter, and emotional. I feel I could have saved her.. if i would have just went to check on her a few minutes sooner, I was not the one who found her. Her grandma went into the room to check on her, and i was outside with my other 2 children, ages 1 and 2… to hear the heart breaking SCREAM that dropped my heart where i stood. Its like i knew. I ran into the house, and just knew by the look on my mother in laws face, and the panic in her scream. I ran to the bedroom to see my angel blue in the face, and no heart beat. Almost 2 hours of CPR, and nothing. The doctor told me, even if they restart her heart.. she would be brain dead. I told him i didnt care! PLEASE try harder, do more.. dont stop. But it was too late. All the medicine, money and prayers in the world, couldnt bring my Haylee back. I dont know how to move on. I am scared i will start to be distant with my other 2 children, who NEED me to be strong for them. But it’s hard to. I am scared for them to even go to sleep at night, worrying and wondering if it will be the last time i see them again. I wish there was some way, some how to make the EMPTY feeling, like my heart has no beat, i see no color, no laughter, no NOTHING. i have thought of ways to keep in contact with my sweet girl.. But honestly it will NEVER be enough. I am having my angel cremated tomorrow. The past 5 days i have sat with her at the funeral home. Talking to her, playing her songs, holding her. But i know my girly, is not in there. She is gone. and she took a big piece of ME with her. I am forever going to LOVE her. I pray to find some comfort some day. My aunt lost her son, my cousin.. a few years ago due to cancer. and she says he still is with her, all the time. She see’s a black bird, and she know’s hes there. I cannot wait to have my reminder. My way of knowing she is near. More then ever i want to wake up, and have my baby back in her swing, smiling and laughing like she always did. I wish to God this is a nightmere, and i will soon wake up to find all 3 of my children home, where they belong with me. But i know that is not the case. If anyone has any kind words, or advise, or some sort of HOPE they can share with me, please do so. I need comforted right now more then ever.
I’m sorry to hear about your baby girl. I am in your same spot. I lost my beautiful baby boy Jhett on Oct 4 2015 at 8 months old. Our family is so sad. I have two other little girls who I need to be strong for and believe me it’s not easy. Jhett died while next to me on bed. He fell in between my mattress and headboard and when I found him it was to late. He was blue when I pulled him out. His alarm on his diaper was going off but was muffled. I feel he died due to me not knowing he could get trapped in there. I never heard of it. I am a over protective mom who thought I was doing the best for him and he died. All we can do is believe he’s safe and lean on God if you can. I know it will never get easier but need to keep going for my other children. Hope you find comfort this Christmas.
This is my second Christmas without my son. It seems like an eternity yet so new. Thank you for your story. It is helping me some. Right now I am so lost. Knowing my feelings are normal truly does help. The pain is like nothing else. Hopefully I can get through the holidays. Knowing I can talk to others in the same club is helpful to know as well. Thank you again for your help and advice. Prayers and God bless.
The anniversary of my 30 year old daughter Cortnys death is approaching fast. My only baby girl was taken from me violently on December 22, 2014. She was shot in the back of the head by a jealous cold-hearted ex-boyfriend who then turned the gun on himself, It feels like my entire life was taken away and replaced by a dark and lonely shell, all within a couple hours, which is how long it took them to tell me, show me and convince me to try and believe it was true. The pain, and the anger are the worst, I feel no closure on a senseless death. I can guarantee the holidays will never be the same. It hasn’t even been a year and I am hearing family and friends saying “you need to let her go” or “you should put away some of her pictures” or “let her move on”. My mind is going to keep her close to me and my heart is going to keep her warm, I can’t go a day without talking about her, happy times, sad times, anyone who will listen, I want to remember every detail of every moment I spent with her, .Cortny was an incredible daughter, sister, aunt and mother of 2 beautiful little girls, 11 and 6 years old. I am not ready to move on and everything you said makes sense, but I can’t make sense of my emotions yet, I don’t think I am ready yet to even try. I have a surviving son whom I cherish every moment of every day and am trying to “be normal” for his sake but underneath my smile, I am still crying uncontrollably.
I lost my daughter on June 28th 2010 at 46 after a 3year battle with breast cancer. I watched her life ebb away as I held her. After 5 years I can actually speak of her or say her name with our tears ( sometimes). Other times a moment will hit me and almost bring me to my knees with the sense of loss and sorrow. I expect the be just how it is for the rest of my life.
The grieving never stops and the pain never goes away.
On July 19, 2015, I spoke to my daughter’s friend who called 911 for her. The friend proceeded to tell me she was at the hospital and “the doctor” wanted to talk with me…my heart sank..my legs could no longer hold me up as I heard the word “unfortunately”……
My daughter Eyatta, my BEATING HEART was gone!! How could that be?…what was he saying?..she thought she had food poisoning….I had just spoken with her a few two days earlier….somehow some aggressive bacteria entered her body through a small cut on her leg..it attacked her tissue and cells and caused her to have toxic shock..it pains me horribly just describing it….after about five months it is still hard to wrap my head around it…my days come and go..I answer when people address me..I am numb!!!The thought of my daughter not being in the world is overwhelming!!!! Eyatta turned 40 in May..she had just purchased a new car and moved to a new apartment in Jne…e walostshe was in Columbus, Ohio,working on her doctorate
after four years and with a few months to go. Dr. Eyatta…would never be realized..had NEVER had any childhood problems with her…she was a beautiful baby, a child any parent would be proud of..my sweet ONLY child was not married and had no children. She loved and was passionate about teaching and helping young people…I was comforted while reading FB posts from the many students and co-workers whose life she touched. Because of her passion for teaching and learning I set a scholarship to go to a student in her former High to be the first from their family to attend College.I am reminded by others that she wasn’t mine to begin with..that her “purpose” here had been fulfilled….maybe….however, like all of you who lost a child, the hole..the emptiness is ever present…no phone calls..no laughter and joy while passing the turkey and dressing during the holidays.
I have her little miniature schnauzer who cuddles against my leg when I am crying.I have a special bond with her.
I am glad this post was sent to me…
Thank you Angela for sharing. Your writing put alot in perspective.Thanks for all of you sharing your stories. Thru my tears while reading your words, I can relate and know and feel your pain..most of my family and friends have not lost a child, but I an grateful they are making every effort to support me..just listening helps when those triggers show up.
My prayers and thoughts with you..May God help and strengthen us.
OMG your loss is still as deep as anyone’s. She was your child. Young, older, illness, accident, suicide –it doesn’t matter what took them they are gone. My prayers for strength and healing are sent your way.
I lost my beautiful son Jhett on Oct 4, 2015. He was almost 8 months old. He was my rainbow baby after I lost my first son Ryker on Jan 21 2014 at 18 months gestation. Jhett was a beautiful healthy boy who was loved so much. He has two older sisters and they are the reason we go on. It’s hard to still believe what happened. You keep praying you are dreaming but wake up to reality daily and cry. I never knew how much you can suffer and not for a little bit but this will be a lifetime of suffering. Losing a child is not fair to anyone at any age. It’s the saddest thing on earth and praying heaven is better. God bless you all.
I lost my youngest daughter 24 on Aug 15, 1994, she was to be maid of honor in her sisters wedding on Sept 24,1994. This has been 21 years ago and it hurts on all holidays and every day still. This is something you do not easily get over if you ever do. I still think about my Pamela every day , there is always things that make you remember, and places, and things. She was a very smart, beautiful, people friendly and did a lot of wonderful things for people, in need, very outgoing energetic. The one thing I miss most she worked in the town where I live and every day for lunch her lunch break would be here at my house, miss that so much. Brings tears to my eyes when I think of all of this. She is loved so very much yet and missed every single minute of every day. The guy responsible for her death still has not said he is sorry. He is a real piece of work.
Our daughter Jennifer went to be with the Lord in 1983. She was 3 years old and died of a pediatric lymphoma. The following year we had a miscarriage. We appreciate this article because it is very concise on the experience. We have remained married for 40 years. We miss her everyday of our lives… time does not take away the sense of our future being changed because she isn’t here. Each Christmas is excruciating for both of us. We continue with the rest of our family in the tradition of Christmas because of Jennifer’s memory. We feel like “old timers” in grief department. We know we would have both traded places with her if we could. We would like to encourage others who are doing this grief dance to not listen to others who have not lost children because there were some silly, ignorant and heartless things repeated over the years to us. Please know those who have not lost a child, will not ever know the amount of love we hold in our heart for our child. Keep on loving and remembering your child. You still remain a parent forever to your child and no one can take this away. Keep on loving!
Thank you for putting into words my heart could not say. I lost my son Ryan, November 9, 2009, my heart aches every day for him. But i am able to experience great joy as you so aptly put it. Thank you thank you!
I gave you my work email address my home one doesn’t work well.
My son took his life 3 years ago on the 30th of October. I know have PTSD. Soldiers see friends blown up but nothing is more traumatic than holding your dead child that was not sick, no expecting it just terrible shock. I will never be me again. I have and am having so much treatment but feel dead inside. Just having to go through the motions of getting through one day at a time and trying to give anything I have left inside me to my other children. So sorry for your loss and I understand. My mother died at the age of 23 from a brain tumour. My nan now 98 never got over it, her sister lost her son to drowning at 25 and her brother his son at 19 to an accident. 2 of my dads sisters lost their children in their 30s. We seem cursed. All sudden except my mum. They all managed to carry on though. I don’t know why because losing a child in any circumstances is the same but suicide seems to take the grief to a different dimension. I have read a lot since Ben died about the effect of your child’s suicide. With the victim being the perpetrator and no terminal or genetic cause or an accident your brain just can’t accept it. The grieving process cannot take a natural path. It is no worse than any loss of a child it is just different. I just want a time machine to go back and stop him to hold him and never let him go. It didn’t have to happen I guess that’s why the grief or denial or hope they will walk through the door is felt because you feel you could have stopped it. Maybe we could maybe they would have done it another time. Their are so many questions and no answers X
Hi Kerry
so sorry for your loss
You are right that losing a child to suicide and the not knowing why, is a grief of a very different dimension
I have 2 daughters and a beautiful son who went to heaven 5 months ago.
My husband came home to find him hanging….
No illness
No Note
No nothing
No warning
This is the day our world fell apart????
I learned the meaning of torture on February 20, 1980 when I watched all day the life leave my little red-headed girl who was 20 months old. She died from Reyes Syndrome and at the time, I had never heard of the desease. Her Daddy and I suffered together until the day he died, October 26th, 2012, and now I suffer alone as only a parent can. I am jealous that they are together one minute and the next, I am so happy to think of them being together. I have 4 other children and 14 grandkids and my life is filled with joy; but, I never take anything for granted. Anyone of them could be another heartache for me in the blink of an eye.
To you I send this prayer:
‘Bless me indeed (for to be truly blessed is not selfish)
And expand my territory (my love, compassion, understanding, knowledge, wisdom, and forgiveness)
And let your hands guide me and protect me from evil;
So that I do no harm to myself or others’ Amen (adapted from the Prayer of Jabez)
May your heart soar with the eagles so that the time you spent with a lost loved one can be cherished forever more. JPC (from an old Cherokee song 0
New comment on A Bed for My Heart
Brenda Coletta commented on 7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child.
in response to Kelly:
I lost my 32 year old daughter June 9, 2013, due to drug addiction. The pain is agonizing and since her death wasn’t noble, I feel deeply that others don’t offer the same consideration to my deep, unsoliced grief. I miss and love her and feel great pain at her loss. Having been suicidal myself […]
It does not matter what your child died of, your child died and there is nothing worst in this world. I lost my beautiful 40 year old daughter, to colon cancer 31 months ago, and I am not sure if I am going to make it I just want to be with my Tina Leigh, nothing matters anymore, the sun doesn’t shine anymore for me, I have been truly planning and reading about suicide just to get away from the anguish and heartache I feel every minute of every day. There is nothing here on this earth for me now. So no matter what your daughter died of it really doesn’t matter, she is still gone forever from you, and being ‘noble’ has nothing to do with it. Your grief and pain is just as great as mine, and it always will be. Brenda Coletta
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I too was suicidal after losing my son Ben to suicide. I am sad you say her death was not noble. I understand people say how brave my mother was to lose her life at 23 to give the child she was carrying life. We were separated after that, I have not seen him in 20 years he is a stranger to me. I think in a way it was selfish as she left a 3 year old child with no mother no father as he couldn’t cope no home as it was lost and no brother. Alone and scared developed mental health problems I didn’t know I had till Ben died. Suicide may not be considered noble but after being in hospital 3 months trying to do it myself I can tell you it takes guts. I hesitated so many times. Putting the rope around my own neck and trying to kick the chair away was terrifying. Someone fighting a drug addiction is ill the same as any other illness like Ben’s depression. Losing a child is losing a child period.
Drug overdose and suicide make us feel less worthy of grief but it is not so. I am still in therapy still think about doing it. I have PTSD I am sure you probably do too. Try to get therapy EMDR to help put the feelings and memories away in the right part of your brain. You like me are still stuck in they have just died. They wouldn’t want us to die. We have to try to fight it. Sending you love and compassion for your loses. xxxxx
Thank you very much for your response. I have tried therapy, my doctor has me on meds, I now go to church faithfully, and I truly love my non denominational church. She was my only child my beautiful daughter. I have plenty of xanax so I will probably do that with alcohol, because my research shows that xanax possibly could not kill me When I make the final decision there is no way I am going to fail. I know I will probably go to hell for self murder, but maybe God will let me redeem myself eventually so I can be with Tina. There is truly nothing here for me. My son in law moved on after only 6 months and remarry this year. My Tina suffered so with this cancer, she eventually bled to death because the cancer went into the liver. I was a care giver for her at home, and I can never forget her pain and suffering. I am glad you at least understand. Thank You.
Dear Brenda….I know your pain..my Chris took his life in 2002…he was 26. I wanted to die myself..begging God to take me…you see, I could never take my own life. I couldn’t put the pain I feel on anyone that I loved. If my Chris had known what horror and living hell he would cause his family..he would have stopped himself. Tina wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself…she would want you to be happy..she would want you to take your pain and use it to help others suffering from cancer or help other families that have lost a child/loved one to this horrible disease. I beg you to rethink your decision to die…God loves you and Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He has a plan for us..good plans…I will be praying for your peace and comfort to be restored to you.
My daughter Jaimie was 20 years old when I lost her because of a drunk driver who smashed into the car she was in. That was 15 1/2 years ago. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t greive and cry for her. I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I am a nurse and I nursed her while she lay in a coma, only to have her develop pneumonia. I then had to make a desicion that I hope no other parent would have to make. It was the hardest desicion I have ever had to make, it was a devastating desicion, one that nearly destroyed me and Jaimies sister. I see my daughter in so many ways, in so many places. She was a tall strawberry blonde, so I see her in every tall girl. My heart jumps as even though I know she’s gone, I see her in that girl. I have 2 grandsons, a gift from my younger daughter, when each of those boys were born, I couldn’t help but think “what would Jaimies children look like?”. Jaimie was a truck driver, I see a semi and think “what would Jaimies life be like today?” My pain never goes away. My life is so very different, I can’t seem to settle down, to accept relationships. Since Jaimie left, I have been through two relationships. …..things just don’t feel “right”. I cant seem to give all of myself. My life doesn’t have meaning anymore. I lost my dad just a few months before I lost Jaimie. I really don’t remember much of that first year. Losing a child is like loosing the very best part of yourself. I was a single parent to my 2 girls most of their lives, we had a very close relationship, it feels as though I lost 1/3 of my heart, a third of me. If I could I would make it so no parent ever has to go through this devastating pain. I feel for each and every person that has lost a child. The only reason I still live is because of my youngest daughter and 2 grandsons.
I have learned more than seven things since my son passed away but I do agree that the holidays are the hardest time, it has been ten years since my son passed and every year I tell myself I want to go away and come back when the holidays are over but then I think about the rest of my loved ones and how they would miss me and so I stay, I just try and remember how much my son loved the holidays, and loved being with everyone and that brings me some peace, but that is a hole that can never be filled
Thank you for these beautifully written words! The pain of losing my daughter is one I’d never wish on another person.
I lost my husband in 20014 and my son in 2003. I miss my husband , of course , but the pain of losing my son , 52 years old , an alcoholic , with much pain and despair . The agony is still with me ,,maybe I could have done something , etc
it doesnt matter how old your child is or how they pasted you still hurt everyday of your life for them . i lost my little girl in nov of 1994 in a house fire and it hurts just as bad today as it did then
My mother lost 4 of her 8 children, a granddaughter( my child) and her husband before she passed at 92. How she lived with so much loss I don’t know but I will try to take a page from her book of life and even though I mourn all those same people I will go on and live life to the fullest.
Thank you very much for your response, much appreciated. Brenda
I lost my son at 1yrs four years ago and I feel like its hard for me to over come a lot of things in life. I dont even know what cause him to leave me ..for his death to be undertermine.I’m almost 30years old I feel like I will never be the same as I was before .its like I’m living in this world just to live.I taught bout moving away n start fresh but I’m lost ..
Grief moves through us so slowly that a person couldn’t possibly grasp all its obstacles in just a year or two. Grief’s not in a hurry and we shouldn’t be either. Your article here is a very poignant piece of honesty. After my fourteen year old son was killed in 1992, I agonized over his loss for the next eight years. It was after realizing the truths you have listed here that life began to change. I’ve heard it said that grief is the cost of having shared life with someone worth living with. I firmly believe that to be true. The loss of someone you love deeply is supposed to hurt. Today (23 years after his death) I still think of him every day, and plan to for the rest of my life. I embrace the waves of grief that still ocassionaly roll in, because that’s all I have left of him. Today I’m able to celebrate his life instead of seeing everything through the window of his death.
Great article!
Thank you for sharing your perspective Gene. It speaks to me.
We are in February again, approaching our son’s 4th anniversary since in passing. Thank you for your writing, I read this last year and looked for it to post on my Facebook. It was shared by a church member who had lost a son also. I see others quickly share this truth about grieving our child’s loss. Missing our son, Austin, and being thankful he is with the Lord. I’m so glad we had 19 yrs and 11 months with Austin. I have so many memories to cherish. A widowed sister in the Lord shared with me that she prayed asking the Lord to tell her husband things. I found this very helpful, and find I can ask the Lord to tell my son that I love him. I remember a card I received after Austin passed. It said we are never very far from our loved one in Christ. I believe this to be true. I am so thankful that we will see Austin again, when we get to Heaven. Heaven is more real to me, just knowing he is there. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
I’ve written about the loss of my own son and I also refer to the families who have lost a child as, “The club with no name”. It’s a fitting title for a group of people whose initial membership fee has a monumental price tag. It has completely changed me and I deal daily with a head full of memories and forever visiting a small, hill top, gravesite. I am angry and I have no faith. I’ve been to therapist as well as a psychiatrist..I lost my child’s mother..my home..my mind. And just when I thought I was at my breaking point, I lost my father 10 months after my son died. I call this a dickish move by the universe. When my son died, my ex and I had to make a decision to take him off life support. My ex left it in my hands… Well my mother was placed in that same scenario with my father. I decided to take the decision from her and made it for her. The greatest gift you can give another person is to take their suffering from them…but by doing this, you get to carry the sin with you forever. You didn’t kill them… but you took their pain. And that is what I live with now…
I feel your loss Nasir, my condolences. I too lost my precious daughter, she was only 2 years old, I feel so empty without her. Only God knows how much I miss her!
Elizabeth Guildford, I am so sorry for your loss.. Schizophrenia is indeed an insidious disease, people don’t realize how many families are touched by that and other mental illnesses. I have a very good group of people I turn to. I have family members who never mention him. I find joy in remembering him as the inquisitive little boy who made people laugh.
My son died almost 14 yrs ago..by his own hand. I feel your pain. So sorry that we and many others are in this “club”. What you did for your son was the most loving act you could ever do..nobody should live hooked to a machine. No sin there..just enough love to let him go. My prayers and thoughts will be for you.
I feel like the living dead .
My son’s name was also Chris…he died at age 26..on memorial day 2002. I know that God is the only answer to my grieving heart. Still..I have hard days and as you said holidays are overwhelming mostly. This past thanksgiving..instead of typical family dinner..my husband and I went to the beach camping. Best time ever…Will be our new tradition. Instead of seeing everyone happy with their kids and grandchildren…we did what we enjoyed and I know my Chris was happy for us…Praying for your peace and comfort.
My wife and I had to go through it twice. Our first son died just short of his 4 month birthday of crib death having been born with a heart defect. (Transposition of the great vessels) Our third son died of a freak snowmobile accident just short of his 9th birthday. Sons 2 & 4 are still with us. Son #3 hit a tree with the snowmobile but was going so slow, per parental instructions, that rather than throw him off the machine he hit his forehead on the handle bars and his head fell over the bars and the weight of the helmet cut off the oxygen to his brain and he died 6 days later, never regaining consciousness. After our first son died I stupidly thought I was immune from this ever happening to us again, and when #3 died I almost did too. It took me a very long time to reenter life but when you have other children it helps in the sense that they did nothing wrong and they also deserve to have parents that take an interest in their lives. I can not speak for anyone else but I know that my two remaining sons are better men having lost their brothers. They know how fragile life is and they learned that very hard lesson at a young age. My wife and I occasionally muse how different our lives would be if they were both alive and the dynamics of raising 4 boys. Thoughts that can never be. One other thought I wanted to share with the “club” is when asked how many kids we have my wife and I struggle with the answer. On the one hand you can not and never will forget the two that died but if you include them and tell people what happened the majority of people do not know how to react, and most get a very pained look on their faces and start apologizing for bringing it up in the first place. If you leave then off and say you have 2 kids then you are disrespecting their memories, and you are the one with the pained expression on your face. This is still a struggle with us.
My heart is with you. My mother lost her only child, my brother, at the age of 19 from a brain tumor. I was born about 11 months later, she was 44. All her life I kept her company when she remembered him,, so much so that 10 years after she has passed away at age 90 I still have his photos and think of him… and talk to him in my mind sometimes. I know he would have wanted her to have peace, I know how much he loved her. But I am writing about another experience, when I lived in Japan. I lived there for 12 years and it was not that easy to make really good friends through the cultural barriers, but I was lucky to have 3 really good friends while I lived there, 3 women who didn’t know each other but who were like best friends to me, warm, compassionate, very special. After having come back to the States one day I was thinking about these dear and giving friends, how lucky I had been to have them. Wondering why they were so special and seemed deeper and more loving and open than the others I’d met. I realized each of them had lost a baby, in infancy. They had shared the story with me each on her own as part of our friendship, but I never made the connection, I just knew they were special, deeper and wider in their heart and soul… what a shock when I realized what it was they shared. And my mother was that special go-to person for quite a few people, thinking back, she was always helping people in trouble and ON HER DEATHBED a little aide at the nursing hospital (I had never seen her before) came in and held her hand and started crying and said to her, “What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to talk to? Who will help me?” My mother could hardly speak for a month yet she was still supporting someone who needed help. So “the crack in the vase that the light shines through”… the light of Spirit, of the eternal, maybe it comes to us partly through our pain. My deep heartfelt love to you all.
I too struggle with the number of kids i have. My son died by his own hand at age 26. That is a struggle with in its self..but i choose to always remember he was and is my son so when asked about him..i simply say he is with jesus. No other details are necessary. If they ask how he died..i say he is gone..it doesnt matter how..he is gone. Prayers for your journey.
I lost my beautiful daughter Chanda on 4/18/1997. 19 years ago tomorrow she went into a coma and never came out. I miss her so much. I just would like to see what she would look like at her next birthday (40). The pain does get easier but it never goes away. It is always lurking around the next corner. I just live it seems. Enjoyment is rare and laughing is hard. You would think after 19 years I would be further along but I am not. Prayers for you all.
I lost my 24 year old only son only child Oct. 22 2010 cause of death combination of pain medication due to a injured back.
I am still so lost in my life. how does one even want to continue on? Friends, family are done with it. I moved back to the home I had raised my son in hoping to feel closure??? or some kind of peace of mind which has not occurred.
How do you move on? A continuous war in my mind.
For those have started a new life I envy. I am so mad, angry, guilty, frustrated.
I am so sorry for the parents who have had a lose- work ,friends and even family seem to throw out a timeline for recuperation from of death you have to abide by. I am relocating and hoping for a new refreshed outlook where I am not looked upon as the slow person that could not go on in a normal (as they call it) life.
I wish all well and strength who have had lose in their lives. Wishing all the best to their new adventures in the next realm of life. May us so called injured folks have contentment and peace of mind without our dear lost children.
Thank you for listening
His Birthday was Feb 16 he is thirty years old now and my heart still aches..
Andrea – Our bond is now forever. I lost my 25 year old daughter Amy on February 20, 1983.
It has been 15 years since brad died at the age of 32. I miss him every day. I will be driving down the road and out of the blue grief will strike and tears will come down my cheeks. Or I will wake up in the middle of the night and start crying.I do think about our happy times and less about the bad times. Brad had been an addict for 16 years. I am sure he suffered a lot of pain during his short life. I am at peace knowing he is in heaven and suffers no more. Rest in peace my precious boy.
Before having our first son, a very dear and close friend of mine lost his son to cancer at just 13 months. Thru those times of uncertainty, there was truly no way for me to comprehend what they were both going thru. And thru chemo sessions there was always the hope of ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ that was supposed to have a promising and happy ending. Even up to the final month of his son’s life, there was promise that the chemo sessions had done their job. But like a flash of lightning, things quickly spiraled downhill in just a matter of a week. The elation of beating cancer was short lived as the after effects drew a more less successful conclusion.
Within that one week span, the doctors were at a lost and could provide no further treatment or ideas. As their son escalated into episodes of frequent seizures, they made the most painful of decisions to take their son off of life support. My heart was broken for both of them. I held on to the memories of when their son was alive and we were all having dinner at my home, and my mother-in-law holding their sweet little child. It was memories quickly filled with tears as I knew their son could no longer be held.
And as we gathered to say good-bye to their child, my heart was still broken and rightfully so, there were no words that I could ever say to ease their pain. No man-made words exist to heal such heart ache and pain.
Moving forward, they both were happy to share with me that mommy was to be expecting again as they tried to move on with their lives. Of course there was no one happier than I. And as their second son was soon later born, it would be around several months later that my wife and myself had the great news to reciprocate our delight of having a child of our own.
Knowing everything my friends went thru, from my own point of view, it is always a drawn conclusion that I do think about the possibility of losing my very own son in any of unexpected ways. Could I handle or go thru what my friends went thru? Would I or my wife, for that matter, be able to move forward? All I know is that I hope that road will never have to be crossed, for I think my answer would be no to surviving it afterwards.
As for my friends who lost their first son, had a second son, and now, as I write this, are expecting another, there or no man-made words that could describe the unbelievable happiness and love I have for them and their expanding family. But I will never forget their first son, nor will I ever stop grieving for him and my friend’s lost.
I know your pain too. I lost my unborn son at 22 weeks gestation and although I never had the privilege of seeing, holding, and knowing him as a living being outside the womb, I love him as if he was with me forever. This was 24 years ago. People sometimes diminish the grief of parents of stillborn children but they are our flesh and blood and we love them from the moment we find out they are growing inside us and that love isn’t less and doesn’t fade any faster, just because they were never born alive.
But, my family wasn’t complete so when I lost Matthew (who would have been my last), I tried once more and 2 years later had the most wonderful healthy baby boy who is now 22 and has made me so very proud. I can’t imagine never knowing and loving him, who would not have been born had it not been for the tragedy I had to endure.
I lost my little baby at about 16 weeks along in 1988. We didn’t know if we had lost a boy or a girl. I was talking to God about this soon after, while driving. When a car pulled in, in front of me with a bumper sticker that said It’s a Girl. We named our baby Maggie Joseph, the girl and boy names we had picked out. My husband and I buried her. I sometimes ask Jesus to tell her I love her, and miss her. This is a comfort to me. She was our third child. We never had another, my husband said he could not withstand losing another. Another child could not replace her.
Knowing that my son Wesley and I will someday be reunited is the only thing that keeps me going here on earth. God has a plan for me just like he did my son. I was priviledged to have him in my life for 21 years and hold on to the hope that he will meet me at the pearly gates when my time comes.
I lost my daughter shortly after birth at 33 weeks. She had many severe birth defects. I had two miscarriages within 9 months of her passing. It’s very hard for me to be around babies and pregnant women.
My son committed suicide in 1995 at the age of 21, and everything you say in this beautiful post still holds true. This year on his birthday, he would have turned 42. He has now been gone for as long as he lived. It was a particularly hard anniversary, wondering all those things you talk of: Who would he be now?; Would he have given me grandchildren?; What would he look like as a man?
When you speak of the gifts, I applaud you. After my son’s death, I wrote “Blessings in the Mire: A True Story of Miracles & Recollections” that revealed the gifts that I unearthed in my life’s most nefarious event. Writing was cathartic. I’m guessing it is for you too.
At any rate, I want to say from the deepest center of my heart, thank you for this list. Although others who have not felt this depth of love thru loss will never understand, that’s okay; they don’t have to. But to know there are others like you, writing thru the pain and changing the face of death with your words, and undoubtedly, with your precious heart, is touching and inspirational. Much love to you.
A friend of mine sent be this through Facebook and even though it has been 31 years (Lee was 17) the loss never goes away. It is not a “club” anyone wants to be a part of but realizing you are not along helps. People who have never experience their heart being torn apart, can not understand, even after all this time, that you can’t get over it. Most days you manage but some days a sight, a smell or a laugh can bring it all back. We have a ministry at our church “Remember of Children” and once a year there is a special service for those who have lost their child. It is a bonding of soul with tears and laughter as we remember. Thanks so much for your writing and words of understanding. God watches over our children but we will always wish we could be watching them too.
It will be 5 years this June since I lost my 17 year old daughter. My heart and soul disappeared that day. I am an empty shell just surviving for my two sons and husband. there is no getting over it or moving forward. It is hard to live life without hope, but I do. What more could God do that would be worse than taking a child from its family. If anyone is interested am looking for a grieving pen pal to chat with.
Thank you for your kind words to make me realize I am not the only one. I have tried so many times to tell people that I will never get over it and that I will always talk about my son.. I may have never seen his eyes open or his beautiful smile. I will always hear his voice even though he never spoke to me. My son was 24 weeks when I went into labor. I so miss him and know we had and still have a special bond.
I find it as a club that I would not wish anyone to be in but a club of moms who truly do understand, different circumstances but still know the grief and heartache.
Thank you once again.. May you all of you have a wonderful day and remember sun is always shining in the hearts where our children are miss
My beautiful, talented, loving, contributing and life loving son was killed by a drunk/drugged driver on January 10th, 2016. I’m a million things- angry, broken, lost, uncertain. I relate so much of what you say, except the joy. I have yet to find it, uncertain if I ever will. I went from a social, involved, active and successful career- to someone I can’t recognize. I read self help books all day, try to find a place where I can be strong enough to cause change in a system that failed and took my son from me. But- I continue to come back to this dark place where I know I will never have what I lost. My son or the person I was the minute before he was taken from me.
I opened a FB page in his memory. I feel like it gives me an outlet where I can protect him. One of the most painful feeling a Mom can have, is understanding that you couldn’t protect your child. It cripples me.
https://m.facebook.com/Drunk-driving-kills-and-ruins-lives-1712181465725377/
On January 10, 2016 Christopher John Ruiz, ‘Buddy’, was murdered by a repeat drunk driver. The killer’s name was Robby Murk Cadman aka Robert Andrew Cadman. The murder took place in Arizona, on highway 303, when the killer drove drunk/drugged, traveling in the wrong direction on the freeway at speeds between 80-90 mph towards our son. The killer traveled 12 miles, in the wrong direction- speeding towards our son, who was boxed in by a semi to his right and the killer, head on.
The night Robby Cadman murdered my son, Christopher- Robby drank and abused drugs with his friends before getting into his vehicle. The killer, Robby Cadman had a blood alcohol two times the legal limit, he was driving on a suspended license, in his uninsured vehicle. Robby Cadman had previous drunk driving offenses, drug crimes and was a sex offender at the age of 15, molesting a minor child. His public criminal record showed a long history of crimes. His recent offenses showed him noncompliant to maintain his sex offense registration, noncompliant in attending his court ordered drug accountability program, noncompliant to attend court hearings for drug, alcohol and vehicle and license / registration offenses. He drove illegally with a revoked licensed and an uninsured vehicle. With his extensive criminal and dangerous record, Robby Cadman was able to maintain employment in the public sector, in a bar (Barsmith) located in Phoenix, Arizona. His last criminal act before he perished by his own narcissistic and criminal life style, was deliberate murder. Killing an innocent, productive and loving man.
Christopher John Ruiz, was an outstanding person. He was devoted to friends and family, had a solid career and had many meaningful interests, pursuits and hobbies. All of these kept him happily busy and provided him with a life of fulfillment. During his 32 years on this Earth, he left a positive mark on so very many people. After losing his beautiful niece Hailey Madison at 7 years old to DIPG in 2013, an incurable childhood brain cancer, he began to dedicate time and funding to the research for cures to Childhood Cancer. He was actively involved in foundations such as #Hearts4Hailey. #Run2fight and Phoenix Children’s Hospital Holiday gift project. It became his passion and gift to his niece, that he loved so deeply. When he wasn’t working in his successful career, his hobbies were motor cycle racing, camping and basketball. He loved the Cardinals, taking in many games with his family and friends. His last Cardinals game, he traveled to Detroit in October, 2015 to cheer on his team, with his youngest sister.
This page shall continue to serve in keeping Christopher’s memory alive and to bring imminent awareness to the very important topic of the consequences of drunk driving, as well as the need for our states to continue to introduce any and all necessary means to enact laws that protect our streets from drunk / wrong way drivers. We need strict laws nationwide that carries heavy penalties to these repeat offenders, consequences to the bars that serve irresponsibly. To the courts that release these repeat offenders onto the streets, allowing them to continue this destructive behavior. To the employers that do not require background clearances. Together the respectable community can fight for responsibility from this pandemic that is killing innocent people everyday.
When Robby Cadman murdered our son, Christopher Ruiz, the local news stations, news paper and online news stories incorrectly reported this tragedy. Assuming both drivers ‘possibly consumed alcohol’. This irresponsible error in their reporting did our son, Christopher a tremendous injustice. Our son NEVER drove intoxicated and was only trying to get home safely to his family, after spending time with friends. After our family hired our own legal team and discovered the disgusting background of our sons murderer, we felt it important to ask the local news stations to correct their reporting with the facts, as the public should expect from responsible reporters. Only one news stationed agreed to do the ethical thing by bringing the facts to the public of this tragedy. Fox News FOX 10 Phoenix. The remaining Phx news stations neglected to correct their negligent and erroneous reporting, although all stations were contacted with investigation and ME reports in hand.
This horrific crime committed by drunk drivers, driving the wrong way IS a pandemic in the State of Az. It’s time the citizens take a stance with the help of the Director of Highway Safety Alberto Gutier and the local media that offers responsible reporting.
CBS 5 AZ – KPHO Kpnx Television NBC-Channel 12, Television News ABC15 Arizona 3TV Phoenix WFSB – Channel 3 Eyewitness News Governor Doug Ducey @albertogutier @directoralbertogutier @SenJohnMcCain @SenateMajLdr @Office of Sen. John McCain
I too lost my precious daughter one year and 6 months ago, she was 30 years old and had 2 daughters, my granddaughters and they are so very important to me. I long for my baby girl, but it helps to have hers with me.
I lost my son 6 weeks ago, March 20, 2016. Joshua Daniel, age 34. I live near Athens, GA, he had moved to Torrance, CA 4 years ago. He had just returned from his 3rd trip to China where he met and fell in love with a Christian lady from the Philippines. I am a committed follower of Christ Jesus. I am an Evangelical Christian. I know my son is with Christ. Joshua fell down a very dangerous narrow flight of stairs backwards and left this world at 1am. He was planning to return to Georgia in April. His roommate in California found him and called another friend here in Watkinsville GA who in turn called my younger son in Alpharetta, GA who had the task of calling me, their mom on that Sunday morning. As soon as Seth was able to get the words out I felt a ‘sponge squeeze peace all over me.” I cried a lot that day as I had to tell his sister with whom I live and console his fiance in China. And we had to tell the grandchildren. Later that night as I sat quietly praying and resting asking Jesus what happened to my son. I was immediately impressed with “I Am asking you to stretch your faith.” (Just as a father in the Bible had to do when he came to Jesus to raise his child from death. Jesus asked him did he believe Jesus could do this, the Father said,”Yes” but he also asked Jesus to increase his faith. Jesus began to impress me with what happened from His perspective. He told me He caught Joshua as his head hit the concrete floor, that His Presence which He described as Unconditional Love was immediately at Joshua’s side and that He offered Joshua two choices. The first being do you welcome Me as I Am, which in the presence of endless love of course, The second opportunity Jesus offered my eldest was “do you trust me to heal you and work in your life here on earth or do you want to go with me to Paradise?” The same question Jesus discussed with one of the thieves hanging with him as He was crucified. It was obvious what Joshua chose. As I pondered all of this, I felt Joshua impress me with the fact that now he was where the source of love comes from, heaven and he was filled with love and I felt him send me an abundance of love right into my heart, I had a physical sensation. The place I carry him in my heart swelled to overflowing. My son’s roommate said Joshua had an expression on his face of sweet peace. Jesus told me Joshua was happy, at peace, rested, healthy, whole, and filled and surrounded with joy. Also I thought about our last conversation the night before he left us, we talked about Jesus and Joshua asked questions. Then I felt a soft laugh in my spirit from Jesus who was smiling. He impressed me with, “Now Joshua knows more about Me than you do.” I laughed at such a truth. I asked God 4 days later to tell me how He saw this situation. I was reading a devotion on my cell from Billy Graham where he talked of the Shepherd leaving the 99 sheep to find the last one. The words that spoke to me were “God has gone a great thing.” From the point of heaven, my son accepted Christ for who He is, he chose eternal life in the presence of God and not rejection to spend eternal life in the absence of God. All heaven rejoiced at Joshua’s home going, as Scripture describes. Since that night myself, his brother, his sister, and friends have had encounters that are similar. A week ago I was doing my prayer time reading a prayer by the Christian movie producer Alex Kendrix and the words I read had me thinking about all I had spoken to Joshua over the years about who Jesus is, when suddenly I felt Joshua talking to me, a strong impression again, He was radiant. He was smiling and beaming light, there was radiance all around him, he said to me, “Mom, thank you for telling me about Jesus.” He impressed me with that he was so grateful to me, to all of the people that he loved here on earth, to all of us that love him. This was a day after the tribute memorial we held from him on a farm in north Georgia, with music being played of his favorite songs,food, verbal tributes and stories and videos by his roommate of his life in CA and submissions from family and friends over the years. I was so moved in a profound, deep and intense way, with tears and joy too. I absorbed his great joy, his humble deeply felt thankfulness for all that others had given to him. I know he checks in on us in his own time and way. As he is in heaven with Jesus he is no longer bound to earth in a body like ours, he has a body like Christ. He is no longer bound by time and space. He is as the Apostle Paul says, a part of ‘that cloud of witnesses’ that watch over us, encourage us, maybe even guide and direct us in some way. I also felt he was able to send us love when we needed it. He is very much alive to me. He did not die. Jesus refers to ‘death’ as asleep for those who believe in Him. I see it as Joshua has a new address, he is in heaven with many of our family who are there, he is preparing us a place to come as Jesus said he has mansions for us to live in and He said He would not have told this if it were not true. The morning breezes, the warm sunlight, the birds singing are all Joshua sending me his love for me. Just think to be in the place where loves comes from, to be saturated in light, in brightness, in goodness, in grace, in mercy, in beauty that is without comparison is so wonderful, so good. I determined that I would not for one moment feel anything or think anything that would drag me down into the depths of darkness for I feel it would cause my beloved first born to hesitate in this path forward, and I certainly do not want to cause him to stop and look over his shoulder. I asked Jesus where was Joshua now along my path as far as physically seeing him again, He told me Joshua was ahead of me on my path and that I would see him again, hug him again, enjoy his company for ever and ever soon in the future. I hope this helps someone to believe in hope.
I lost my daughter Tammy Lyn when she was 37 years old…She was vacationing with her family in Maine….Her wishes of seeing the ocean and seeing her first light house had been fulfilled. The night before she was to leave Maine and return home, she had pizza with the family….got ready for bed and went to sleep. The next morning…..Tammy was one that always thought ahead, had things done before you could even think of doing it. Everyone was sitting outside having coffee, and she had not gotten out of bed yet….When her husband went in to wake her, he realized she was not breathing….Tammy had died during the night. They did an autopsy on her and we were told that she died of myocardidis which is an inflammation around her heart…..No one knew she was sick, she didn’t know she was sick.
I was living in Texas at the time and took the first plane out to return to New York. Tammy lived in Vermont. Tammy and I were very close…..She herself had lost two children of a very rare disease. She took a part of my heart with her. Its a living agony not having her here with me. I think of her so often, and I speak of her as though she were still here with us. This is what keeps her alive to me. God, I miss her……..I see her in her children…..I see her in myself……There is nothing more heart wrenching then losing a child…..Its an emptiness that can never be filled, a hole that can never be repaired……..
I have been fighting stage 4 lung cancer for the past 3 years. I would go though all the chemo treatments, radiation treatments all over again, just for one day with my daughter. Nothing can be worse then losing a child……If there is, I hope to God, I never have to face it………RIP Tammy….Mom loves and misses you so very much…
My son, my best friend Derek has been gone now 24 years..we have passed many milestones as I have two younger children who are now 35 and 36, Derek would have been 42 this year. It never gets better, but just changes. My two surviving children, keep him alive in their lives, looking to him to guide them to the right choice, and he makes us know he is there. The things you say are so true, I am not as good with words as you are, but my heart feels it all. I do not fear death anymore, because i know there is life out their, I never felt that Derek was dead, that was the hardest part to accept..a mother would know, it is just like a separation, he is away, but we will be together again..the best gift I was given is faith
How could i let her down? I promised her i would always be there for her. I would always keep her safe. I would always keep her in my arms. I tried to take such good care of my little girl. Always love her, no matter what. But she’s gone. I guess i wasn’t a very good mom. If i was a better mom somehow, she would still be here. All i ever wanted was to raise happy, good hearted children. And to love them.
I lost my only daughter 6 weeks ago today on 5th April 2016, she was just 24 years old.
I was a single mother and it was myself and my daughter Jade for those 24 years.
I feel my life has just ended. My hopes and dreams have been taken away from me and I am left empty with no direction.
I have had lots of support from friends, but I feel even their imagination cannot ever understand just how my heart is breaking and my life has been forever changed unless they have been there too. It seems all the can really offer is.. “well you have your memories” but right now I cannot even think about all the joy she gave me, I am not at that place just yet. I cannot even bring myself to look at pictures or videos of her as it upsets me so much.
Jade was a beautiful young lady with so much love to give, but was plagued with health issues such as Asthma, Eczema and allergies. She had many severe asthma attacks over the years and on 2 occasions I had to give her CPR until the paramedics arrived to take over. Sadly this time I was not able to save her, she had a massive asthmatic cardiac arrest which she died pretty much instantly.
After finding this site and reading all the comments, I feel that there is some hope of getting through this, even though I know I will never get over it.
My heart goes out to all the parents that have lost their children, it is the most painful thing in the world to have to go through and I am struggling to find a good enough reason to keep me going, but I know Jade would want me to keep going to keep her memory alive.
So thank you to all on here for sharing your loss. I feel less alone in this and feel more hopeful that I can make it through some how.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words (that other can read and understand). I lost my son David (I call/called him Bubbie!) 2 years ago – he was 34. He was and still is my light!
I am really mad at my husband because he forgot our the 1st death anniversary of our little angel. A year ago I was on emergent life threatening operation due to ruptured ectopic pregnancy and he chose to leaved me alone in that condition, and now he forgot what happened a year ago and our little angel’s death. I am really mad at him and i feel like we are not important at all. I don’t know what to do and I do not have anyone to talk to. I feel like my heart is screaming in pain but voiceless 🙁
Thank you so for this. I feel so empty, sad and lonely even surrounded but so many that care and who are helping me. I also feel the joy of having him love me. Your words may have come too soon for me, but thank you. I will try to remember them as my live continues and I miss him ever day of my life … </3 … Dillon Wilks Bragg 6/22/93-6/21/16
My wife and I lost our beautiful baby boy, Collin Evies 5 weeks ago in a car accident. He was four years old. We were at work, and his caregiver was irresponsibly driving. Thank you for this article. We are just at the beginning stages of our grief, but I know and feel that this is the path we are headed toward. The loss of Collin is so devastating. We struggle at every turn and every corner. I am glad we have each other.
I lost my 18 year old son Arran George o 31 May 2016 he was killed by a Lorry and died on the road side he was sn accounting apprentice and a fun loving caring intellect boy the pain is deep and unbearable and sleepless nights have come also I am lost and lonely and life is changed forever
I lost my son on Valentine’s Day 2016. He was 8 yrs old. Winter time, my car slid off the road and flipped several times. He got thrown from the vehicle. The worst day of my life. He also had been battling cancer since he was 6 yrs old. I miss him so much I can’t breathe some days. I can’t function. He was my fighter and he fought to the very end. He was so full of love. He was so loving to everyone and everything. He had a way of bringing laughter and smiles to everyone around him. He loved hugs..I miss my baby. I don’t how to live my life without him.
I can’t speak. It hurts.
I will speak. My beautiful daughter was 31 years old. She died of a heart failure. Not her fault. No ones fault. One for the medical journals, the doctors said. Heart rate too fast and no way to fix it.
She left behind a beautiful 5 soon to be 6 year old without out a father, or at least one that cared.
My husband and and I adopted this wonderful abandoned child.
My beautiful wonderful Ashley loved her Elli with all her heart, mind, and soul. She had every intention of raising her and providing for her. They were such a pair!!
It breaks my heart to see pictures of the two of them, there is so much love!!!
I lost my Hanna Banana eight years ago this October 13th. It’s strange but I’ve felt more grief in the last few months then I did when I lost her. She was born with Pentology of Cantrell and only lived about 20 minutes after birth. It was the hardest moment of my life. I was only 20 and already the mother to a three year old little girl. I then had my son around 2 years later. I think these new feelings of grief stem from the fact that I recently got married and have spent the last year and a half blending our family together. We recently started talking about having a child, me being only 28 and him 25. This child would be his first and I’ve tried to be understanding that though my kids and him are extremely close (to the point that he recently adopted my 6 year old son!), he just would like to have more children.
But I feel extremely worried that I may disappoint him or something bad could happen. My dr reassured me that there was nothing I could do that the disease just occurred in development and there was nothing I could change. I even went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and was pregnant six months later with no complications. But for some reason, I feel so strongly that there is something wrong. I have this huge fear that I could ruin my relationship by disappointing my spouse by not carrying or delivering a healthy baby.
Maybe it is because the last few years of my life have been a roller coaster. I recently endured a divorce, my son’s dad, after only five short years of marriage. My husband left me for another woman. Maybe this feeds into my “insecurities” of being a good mother. I’ve endured a lot of positives too though, like graduating from a top college with me Bachelor’s in Social Work to help other grieving parents and families. I’ve been working for DCS of my state for the last year since graduation. My husband is in the military and we have a great relationship but for some reason, I feel in my heart like I might let him down. Does anyone else experience these moments of weakness when we whole-heartily feel we may destroy everything good in our lives because we are incomplete or damaged?
I hope this doesn’t come across as inconsiderate of others’ grieving process. I have searched forum after forum. I too, find so much positive in the world everyday. Sometime my husband tells me I am too kind, but tonight he has been gone for about three days for a TOD and I receive texts and emails about his excitement to start a family with me. It is completely selfish to feel empty or incomplete 8 years later? Deep down I really do want to be a mother again.
Again, I really hope my story is appropriate and everyone on here knows the grief and the heartache I feel for anyone who has experience any type of loss. I really do mean it when I say I weep with you because I have a lot of bad days, especially here lately.
Thank you for sharing your story. While reading I could relate wholeheartedly to everything you said. I find myself, after 3 years of sorrow, still searching for answer’s. Still reaching for anything that will make sense of me wading through life without my son. I feel lost. It’s a relentless cycle that never ends. I lost my son Julius at age 15. He was diagnosed with Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcom exactly 1 year prior. Three months shy of his 16th birthday. My son, best friend, my hero. He came home from school one day with a swollen hand, no pain and we thought it was a sprain. I immediately took him to the E.R. and that was the onset of many more test, scans, referrals and blood work. My seemingly healthy son of 14 years was suddenly thrown into a world nothing could’ve prepared any of us for. Even after 3 years I still keep thinking I’ll wake up, that this is a nightmare and I’ll have a chance to hold him again. That this isn’t happening and I can’t possibly be surviving without my son. Faith and hope carried us through the whirlwind of treatment but when Julius passed so did my faith. I’m not real sure how I’ve made it this far. But any time I hear about a parent losing their child I think of all the pain they will endure and hope for mercy upon their bodies and mind. I imagine it makes us stronger but it can certainly rip you apart at the same time. Part of my battle is sorting through the what ifs and why’s to get to the happy thoughts. They’re certainly there, but dormant. I also have 2 surviving son ages 7 and 21. You would think I’d be at peace in knowing they will be okay. That God will only give us what we can handle…at least that’s what I’ve heard. But it’s just the opposite…I’m afraid every day that something could happen. My anxiety is worse than ever. My heart goes out to you and everyone that knows this pain.
I am not only a mother but indeed a mother of a child with wings. I lost my son, Marc Anthony a year ago. Each and everyday is hard. He was my baby and my only son
Someone wrote. “I can’t speak, it hurts”, What do you do if I can’t pray, I am angry! Where do you go from there?
Thank you for this sometimes I feel so alone and lost and people just do not understand why I’m a little sad or why I feel not celebrating holidays at times..I have lost 3 children at the ages of 6 months,6 years,and 21. My heart aches every day from start to end my thoughts are of them every minute sometimes the pain is so unbearable I have to force my feet to get of bed I have to force smiles for everyone when all I want to do is cry and scream. The words you put into this are so very true I am sorry for your loss and the pain I know you feel daily…
Thirty years ago on New Year’s morning my 18 year old daughter, her boyfriend and the young man who was driving were all killed in an accident fueled by a combination of drinking, drugs and speed. How is it possible to be in such incredible pain and keep on breathing? I still don’t know the answer to that question. Someone gave me a book about grieving the loss of a child and in that book it said that life will never be the same and there is no such thing as going back to the way that life was before, only the choice of two options of whether I want to come out on the other side “sicker and weaker or healthier and stronger”. I decided then that I wanted healthier and stronger and I did everything I could possibly do to be healthier and stronger. I went to grief counseling, therapy, read every book, and I talked about her constantly and I kept going one moment, one hour, one day at a time. There was a day years later when one day I thought that “I just might be going to make it”. It’s been 33 years now and I and I look back and I see all of the special “angels” who have come into my life that have helped me to survive. A few years back I ran into my daughters boyfriend’s mother and she has been in and out of mental hospitals and can’t speak his name without crying and almost doubling over with the intensity of her pain. I never met the mother of the young man who was driving the vehicle but was told by my attorney that the family was devastated by the loss of their son. They had two boys and their other son was killed the year before. I don’t know how it is possible to loose both of your children and continue to live and breath. Their are times when I am engulfed in the grief but also the times when I experience intense joy. Still making it one day at a time.
Michael Ray Saugstad 12/1/1963-2/19/2996 Kidney Cancer
MelodyJean Saugstad 4/16/1969-8/20/1969 CDHernia
Thank you for sharing this. No one ever thinks they would ever become a part of this club and none of its members ever want to see a new member join. On September 3, 1996 I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who I named Amiyah Nicole. She lived for 19 minutes. Those 19 minutes are both the longest and shortest minutes of my life. To this day those few minutes still fill every day as I expect they always will.
God will not tempt you to sin but he will definitely give you more than you can handle. He is showing you a revelation of intimacy that you couldn’t experience unless you went through this horrific situation. Nothing happens unless it passes through God’s hands. I lost my baby this year and even though I will never understand why God took him I have faith that I will see him again and I definitely feel closer to God than I have ever before. We have to remember that God lost His son too… He watched him be horrifically killed on the cross. Can you imagine? I praise Him that he understands every situation.
Oh man have I been there. I lost my baby this year and I have found it very difficult to pray. The beautiful thing is that if we are believers in Christ, the Holy Spirit has entered our beings and makes intercession for us. When we have no words but only tears we are still being heard by the Father in Heaven. Romans 8:26 says, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
I’m thankful for that because there have been many times that I have not had words to say. I have just weeped for hours but praise Him for still hearing our cries. He is close to the broken-hearted and those who are mourning.
My prayers are with all of you, I have just lost my 1 year old boy- cause of death unknown -he went to sleep happy and never woke up – he was so healthy and happy I am still in shock, only happened 5 weeks ago – I too have a strong faith in God and I know he is ok, but the pain is horrible and hard to keep going on as they say “normal” because my life is not normal and never will be now- without my beautiful boy whom I loved and cherished so very much!
AVina
Thank you for these calming words. My sweet Sarah went to heaven almost 3 months ago and it has been the most difficult challenge in my life. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions and I miss her so much. She was the light on a dark day, a smile when the world frowned and the gentle touch just when you needed it most. As a mother, I have come to know that she made people want to be a better person just for knowing her and it crushes me that her life was cut so short. I feel such a terrible loss and wonder if this void will ever be filled. Thank you so much for putting to words what I have thought and wondered about. You are an angel.
I want to die! I also can not handle this heartache of losing my son.
He was 2 years old filled with so much happiness and life! Was taken from me, his dad, his big brother, big sister and twin sister completely unexpected. A blockage in his intestine that was never diagnosed because he didn’t show any symptoms. why? Is all i can keep trying to figure out but all i see is myself to blame.
Please I beg God just let me die I don’t deserve e to live or go to heaven if this is tell than don’t put my other kids and husband through this they don’t deserve it.
Ryan was born Feb 25, 2013 and was called to heaven on 6/30/2015