Unfortunately bereaved parents get judged often. By those who know us and by those who don’t.
We are often criticized and pathologized for grieving (for remembering our child.) People erroneously think we are stuck, depressed, and/or clinically-something, if we still cry, ache, and miss our child; if we still remember them; if we continue speaking their name and grieving for them– especially if the grieving has been going on “too long.” Too long could mean 3 months, 6 months, a year– a decade, or longer. It couldn’t possibly be healthy to grieve THAT long, right?
Wrong. We will grieve forever because we love forever. There is no end to our love for our child, therefore there is no end to our grief– not in our lifetime, anyway. We will grieve forever. We will never get over it.
The presumption is that since our child’s death happened years ago– a presumably finite event– how are we not over it by now? As if child loss is something you can get over– likening it to something far less horrific that can be conquered if you only try hard enough, think positively, or pull yourself up by the bootstraps. As if it’s a hurdle you can easily jump over, or a roadblock you can simply go around and then move on. As if sunshine, rainbows and unicorns will magically greet you once enough time has passed and you cross into “I’m-over-it” land. This may work for other things, but not child loss.
It’s time to bust a long-standing myth about child loss and grief. There is no getting over it. Child loss is not something you get over. Ever. You don’t get over watching the living, breathing piece of your heart and soul, your flesh and blood, your child– die. It’s simply not. possible. to get over the death of your child. You will grieve the death of your child until your last breath.
It is said that the decision to have a child is “to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” When your child dies your heart is obliterated, broken beyond repair. When your child dies, a huge part of you dies, too. And there is no getting that part back again. Over time you can try to put the pieces of yourself back together again, but they don’t fit the same. There are huge pieces missing, no matter what you do. No matter how long it’s been.
The pain– visible or not– is with us every breath and every step we take, every second of every day. The scars never heal. We are not defined by child loss, but we are certainly marked by it. Forever.
Normal died the day our child did. There is no guidebook for how to survive, or how to grieve. No formula. No roadmap. No start here, end there. The truth is bereaved parents will grieve the loss of their child until their last breath. It may seem confusing why bereaved parents do the things we do; how we’ve chosen to survive and navigate life post-tragedy. From outside of grief, it likely won’t make sense to an onlooker. The good news is, if you don’t understand, breathe a deep sigh of relief and remember one thing: you’re so fortunate (#blessed/lucky/_______) you don’t.
Ultimately to understand means to be bereaved. Which we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. We hope no one else truly understands. Ever.
We would have given our life one million times over + infinity to save our child– but, unfortunately we weren’t given that choice. And so, for the rest of our lives, we have to learn how to live with the pain. A pain that is so excruciating, so much like torture, so unimaginable, there’s not even an apt word for it in the English language.
We trip over grief just when we thought we had it contained, figured out, put away, managed. We fall into grief potholes when we least expect it.
We become adept at carrying it, stuffing it, hiding it places. It leaks from our eyes when we least expect it. We sob in the shower, the car, on the bathroom floor. We dry our tears, put our masks back on, so we can move and be and live in the world, to the best of our ability.
Grief steals the person we used to be, and we grieve that, too. The person staring back at us in the mirror becomes almost unrecognizable. We wish we could be who we used to be, too.
We are broken, but there is no fix for our heartache.
We carry it with us, always. Grief exhausts us to the bone. There is no reprieve. No minute, hour, or day off from being a bereaved parent. Once a bereaved parent, always a bereaved parent. There is no going back.
Even during happy or joyful moments, the pain and sadness is always there. A permanent undercurrent, a pulse of pain.
We learn how to carry it all: the joy, the pain, the love, the sadness. Eventually we become an expert at carrying it all.
The moment our child died is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It is the past, the present, and the future. It was not just one finite horrific moment in time that happened last whenever. It is not just the moment, the hour, the second, the millisecond our life became permanently divided into before and after.
You might say, “But she died last year!” Or 10 years ago, or five. No. No, she didn’t.
Our child dies all over again every morning we wake up.
And again every moment they are (yet again) missing.
And again every moment in between.
And again every breath we take.
Our child dies again every moment they are not here with us– for the rest of our lives.
The truth of this fact is almost impossible to express. How many deaths can one parent endure?
For the rest of our lives we will struggle to accept and understand this very fact: our child is dead. And in the incessant replay of our minds our child will keep dying all over again for the rest of our lives.
This is child loss. It is never over. It is always happening. Again and again and again.
We live and relive it. It is now, yesterday, tomorrow– forever.
Just like our love for our child is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It spans both directions. There is no end.
Please remember this next time you hear someone tell a bereaved parent they are dwelling, stuck, depressed, not moving on; that they should just hurry up and get over it– or any other common judgment or misconception. Our pain, our love, and our child cannot be watered down to such phrases, such shallow summations. It does not even begin to capture or express the reality of our day-to-day lives, nor the eternal ache and love in our hearts.
To understand child loss, you have to think about every second, minute, hour, day, month and year a bereaved parent has to live without their precious child– a lifetime– not just the finite moment in time their child died. Every missed milestone, every heart beat, every breath without them, hurts. It hurts now, now and now. It will still be painful 10 and 20 years from now. It will remain an ever-present ache in our heart, soul, mind and body always– until our very last breath.
Child loss is never over. It is a loss that spans a bereaved parent’s entire life.
This is why we will never, ever, get over it. Because “it” is our precious, irreplaceable child. There is no getting over it. There is only love (and pain) to be bravely and courageously carried– for a lifetime.
Angela Miller is a writer, speaker and grief advocate who provides support and solace to those who are grieving the loss of a child. She is the best-selling author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers: A Message of Hope for the Grieving Heart, founder of the award-winning community A Bed For My Heart, writer for The Huffington Post, the Open to Hope Foundation and Still Standing Magazine. Angela writes candidly about child loss and grief without sugar coating the reality of life after loss. Her writing and her book have been featured in Forbes, Psychology Today, CBS News, The Huffington Post, MPR, BlogTalk Radio, and FaithIt, among other publications. When she’s not writing, traveling, or healing hearts, you can find Angela making every moment count with her two beautiful, blue-eyed boys.
Join Angela’s compassionate village at A Bed For My Heart.
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you are so true. I will never get over losing my Jacob. He should be here finishing up college and planning a future as an engineer! It’s been a hard two and half years without him.
This is beautiful, 100 percent true.
Not a minute, second, day without the thoughts of my special son and the tremendous loss. One has to walk in our shoes to understand. There is no getting over, moving on….. It’s always always present quietly there .
A club we didn’t join by choice. We try to laugh , smile but under it all is a broken heart, never the same again????
Our daughter left us on June 7th, 2017. It was her 45th birthday on June 6th , so they let her live one more day so she could have her birthday. Can’t even explain the feelings. Have already purchased You are the Mother’s of all Mother’s… fabulous book….will keep re-reading it!
Thank you so much!
Dot Mechtenberg
Coming up on our son Chris’ 2 year Heavenversary.
This sums up our reality. For everyone else, even his sibling, life will go on. For us, we live in two realities simultaneously. Our here and now, and the fractured reality of his death where NOTHING can ever be “normal” again.
With no support group, you give me a voice and remind me this Journey IS forever my normal and that I’m not crazy, or simply refusing to move on, or in need of men’s to somehow “fix it”.
Be blessed and know you ministered to my heart today. Thank you.
Ty. So sorry. My heart is aching with you ????
Maryanne, please know you are not alone in this horrible journey that we are all on.
There are several online grief support groups that can be quite comforting. That is where I was able to find my source of strength to help me through the darkest days at the beginning after the passing of my 18 year old daughter.
The very first question I asked like you was, am I going crazy?
Hugs to you Angel Mom
Tracy
Mary Ann
There is a group called Compassionate Friends, it is for parents who have lost a child. They are all over the United States, I’m sure there is a group near you. They offer tremendous support because they are all going thru the same loss. They understand totally. Please try to locate the group nearest you, it’s a monthly meeting. I pray this will help in your grieving.
I also lost my “Chris” almost two years ago and it still feels like yesterday. I try to just keep moving on because I do have other children who need me. There were days immediately following his passing that I felt that I could just lay down and leave myself without even having to do anything besides relax and let it happen. Still learning to try to move forward and enjoy the now and look forward to the future.
As always you know how to express what I cannot. Thank you for your beautiful words, I don’t feel so alone when I read them. Coming up on the 3 year mark and people think that because I laugh that I must be “over it”. I laugh because I have other children who need me to stay and be present for them. Just because I laugh doesn’t mean that I haven’t forgotten. Just because I laugh doesn’t mean that I’m not also crying at the same time. Thank you for reminding me that grief is eternal and that’s ok.
This describes best how I feel about the death of my beloved son 7 years ago. Thank you so much
We lost our son 7 yrs ago too. God bless you!!!
Every single word is heartbreakingly true.
This is wonderful. I can never ever get over it and I don’t want to. If I were to then I couldn’t see on the nights dream of him.And I thank god that he gave us this wonderful gift. It’s been almost 20 year and love it so much that I can see him when I’m down and he’s there as if he knows when I need him.
In loving memories
CALEB EDWARD MCCANN FEB 14 1997 D. NOV 13 1999
Incredibly written. This captured my truth. Thank you. I miss Matt every second of every day.
You put into perfect words how I feel everyday. It is strange living like this, always in two worlds. I cannot really comprehend it, no wonder no one else can who is not in it with us. This world and living in it feels like dust even though there are many small moments of happiness, but we have no choice but to go on. If I had a choice I might choose the other one. Finding ways to remember and honor my son helps as does ministering to little helpless animals in volunteer work. Blessings to all of you who know and walk this walk.
Thank you for your words. Animals help me every day.
Thank you for this – it’s what I needed to read tonight x
This so heartbreakingly true, 2 years and 5 months and the pain is as raw as ever. Sure I smile, laugh, and even have fun, but then I remember, Laura is not here, and the jolt hits. Always, never will be gone. As deep as we love, we grieve. Thank you for a beautiful article that touched my broken heart.
My Lucy died at age 23, on February 1, 2016. I will catch myself laughing, or “forgetting” for a second, and as you say, the jolt hits, and I remember……… Wish we could all be together in a giant space to cry and laugh and love and hug each other, just for a day. Marcy
It’s been 10 months since our darling son, Josiah, was stolen from us. Even now, at only this far down the road of grieving, there are some who subtly express their opinion that it’s “been a while now”…. I guess I should be holding my head up high and moving forward in life, not crying as much as I do, and certainly not bringing up my son so often. We haven’t even faced every ‘first’ without him yet. It hurts too much to pretend I’m ok. I’m not. Thank you for reaffirming my own thoughts on grieving my loss, my son…. I will grieve him forever, I will never get over it.
Thank you for this beautiful expression of what all parents feel that have lost a child. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one that feels this way and remembering that there is a support world of other grieving parents brings some comfort. My sweet Anna has been gone 7 years and 5 months and she is missed dearly every minute of every day and always will be. You have expressed grief for a lost child so perfectly. Thank you.
My grandmother had eight children. She lost one of her sons when he was two years old to pneumonia. She was in her twenties. My mom asked her one day when my grandmother was well into her eighties how often she thought of her little boy. “Every day,” was her reply. “There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.” I’m so glad that she gets to hold him again now. Death is not the end for those who die in Christ. We have hope if we believe in His finished work of redemption. Thank you for a poignant piece on the grief endured in this life apart from our loved ones.
I get so tired of hearing how strong I am. I’m not I only appear to be I have lost since 1995, all three of my children, my brother my parents a grandson and my husband. Not strong I just don’t know what else to do. some days I just don’t want to carry on, some days I would like to join them and I know that I cannot. I try to take care of myself because I know that’s what they would all want me to do. But I am so alone. I do have grandchildren that are adults and I don’t like any of them. I know that sounds bad but I just don’t. And they ignore me unless they want something.
Marva, I can’t imagine the loss and continuous pain and grieving you must experience each day. To lose loved ones that you shared an intimacy with in your heart must be devastating.
Just as this pain/loss seems unimaginable, my prayer for you this day and each day going forward will be that you have found Christ in your life. I pray that you have or will embrace the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Jesus. This alone can give us hope in a world surrounded by death and dying. By Christ’s dying and rising (for you Marva, for your loved ones, for me, for each one of us) we are now able to find hope in our lives and in eternity. His dying for our sinfulness and His rising to give us the opportunity to live with Him in eternity one day is the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate saving grace of our existence.
Thus, in your grieving, in the deep pain of your loss which you experience each day, try to find that glimmer of hope for your family members and for yourself. From this perspective, this earthly existence is but a fraction of time compared to eternity.
Thus we hope, and we pray for an ever deeper, ongoing faith in The Lord. He is our hope in experiencing true happiness, a sense of true peace, and true love, especially when we grieve the loss of our family members and loved ones.
May God bless you each day Marva as you grieve in your loss. My prayer is that you can find some semblance of peace and comfort in your loneliness. With the Lord in our life; when we allow Him to be an intimate part of our life, we/you Marva are no longer alone in your pain and suffering. Offer your grieving up to the Lord so that it does not end in vain.
Just as I can’t imagine your pain, we also can’t imagine the great happiness, true fulfillment and deep love of that heavenly state of existence we will one day experience. For us to one day experience the intimate oneness of being in the presence of the Divine Lord is unimaginable to the human heart.
You are now in my thoughts and prayers for the rest of your life here on this earth Marva.
Until we meet again in the presence of our Lord one day, may you walk in faith and lean on Christ in your pain and suffering. We are not alone in our grieving.
Dan the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I will see them again sometime. If it were not for my faith, I could have able to survive the losses. I believe that god has a plan, I wish I knew what, but I know he has a reason for all this. Doesn’t make it ant less painfully, but makes it bearable..
So glad to hear you are a person of faith. With that, the Lord is calling on you to rely on your faith and trust in His goodness above all things. God did not take your loved ones from you, however, He is there for you in your loss and in your pain. Continue to turn to Him with faith and your reward in heaven will be great. Sending you a warm spiritual hug.
Thank you I thought I was missing something. I go to church every Sunday and the death’s that I have had to face God has helped me get through. I sit in the front pew and I cry a lot.I feel so close to God when I brake down that when I leave the Church I feel like I can do anything and get to the next Sunday where I can get to be close to my lose and with God. This is what we get for taking God out of the schools. So thank you again for saying this.
Thank you for your words, it makes me feel like I am not alone. Its been 13 years 7 months and 23 days since our beautiful Eoin left us but it still feels like it was yesterday when our world crumbled.
Thank you for this information and website. As a counselor, validation is so very important! “Thank you!”
Thank you! Your words always minister to my heart. It has been 36 years since my 6 year old son died, suddenly, horrifically, tragically. Not a day goes by I don’t miss him, think of him and grieve. It’s good others have moved on….but, then reality of it is, we as parents, never move on, we just learn to walk stumble through, every morning, for the rest of our lives.
Absolute truth! Every single word! I still don’t even understand it, and miss him so incredibly much……and the life our family should have had!
Its been 13 years since we lost our son Joey and 7 since i lost David.Your words are so true.I am not a royalist but the work prince Harry and Will. are doing is what is needed .You have to have been there to fully understand.
12 years for us and it still feels unreal our Joel is no longer here with his family where he was and is loved and missed every day. Life will never be the same and real joy is something I don’t think I will ever feel again. The day he left so many hearts were broken. We go on and we do enjoy some moments in life but there is always the grey blanket of grief that is ever present.
So sorry. 12 years for us too Jane.. Always a reason we don’t yet understand. Sure we will though.
There is no measuring stick to explain the feeling of losing a child. Myself, I sat down and covered my head with a blanket for two years. Lost every thing but the farm and I would give everything else up for one five minute visit with Jacob Isaac.
Absolutely superb and written from your heart and that is why it touches mine as deeply as it does. I am sharing this with my ForMomsOnly group because I read journal upon journal expressing the frustration that we all feel that others believe we should be “over it.” I don’t ever want to be “over it” and learning how to integrate this loss and carry it with me has been my daily bread. It doesn’t deplete me, yet feeds me to know that I invite Douglas and ask him to BE with me always and I know that he is.
Keep writing and sharing, Angela. Our world needs YOU and your healing gifts.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart with love,
XO Joanie
Thank you I thought I was missing something. I go to church every Sunday and the death’s that I have had to face God has helped me get through. I sit in the front pew and I cry a lot.I feel so close to God when I brake down that when I leave the Church I feel like I can do anything and get to the next Sunday where I can get to be close to my lose and with God. This is what we get for taking God out of the schools. So thank you again for saying this.
Thank you Angela for your honest, real and meaningful posts. I have reflected deeply (how could I not) over the past 28 months since our beautiful daughter Alison’s passing. As my husband so eloquently described her, “She was the best of us”.
We love both of our girls deeply and walk two worlds. As you aptly stated, I would have given my life a million times over for our heavenly daughter Alison to keep her here and relieve her suffering, and would do the same for our earthy daughter, Nicole. We travel back and forth between these worlds through a gauze that separates that which life now is and that of our journey in mystery.
Our love does not die when our beloved child passes; that umbilical cord between a parent and child becomes a gossamer one once they are born, and it does not get severed with a passing. This I know for certain. If we can agree that the truest essence of love is not physically binding, then how can it be severed upon the manifestation of physical passing?
Alison will continue to inform our lives; her passing has forever changed us. We have committed to continuing our growth through an evolution of being; individually and as a family. We are eternally grateful for the gift of her in our life and family, as we are of our other daughter.
We experience a forever earthly missing for our heavenly daughter, and we have a forever love for them both. A parent knows this, and those that don’t or can’t understand it, I cannot explain it to them in a way that they could ever know without walking in these dreadful, painful shoes that blister my heart. I have come to accept that some may they never come to empathize with that which we know. In the meantime, I will speak of our daughter and will say her name without apology. Resilience is not about getting over something, it is about evolving and growing stronger as we continue to walk the journey of vulnerability with acceptance and nurturing compassion.
Thank you dear Angela. Your posts are so meaningful, and your beautiful outreach a blessing. From one broken mother’s heart to another.
I’ve tried to conceal my feelings over the years and just share happy memories as this is the conventional and typical way. I also didn’t want to frighten the newly bereaved, in case the idea of never getting over it seemed too much to bear. Time helps in that you do become used to the idea but sometimes it hits you, like a knife in the heart and a kick in the guts. The sadness is always there, mixed in with the exquisite joy of a special memory, both bring tears. It’s now 28 years since I lost my little girl, just before her with birthday. She should be here now with my grandchildren but instead, she’s forever that little girl in a frame, on the wall, caught in time that only moved on for others. I will always want her back and will never really accept it…..it’s just unacceptable <3
I still grieve over the loss of my baby. I never knew was it a boy or girl? I never got to hold my baby in my arms, hold their hand, see them go to kindergarten….go to high school, start college. Kelly would have been 21 years old this January. People expected me to get over it. I was told, “it was just a bunch of cells.” Another comment (I’m in the medical field ) “be glad it didn’t survive and end up in the NICU…..” ugh people are just insensitive. 🙁
Much of what has been said here revolves around faith and strength, as it should. And most of what has been said is by and for women. But men grieve, too. I don’t think we are any stronger. I know I’m not. Maybe men can hide it better. But that distorts the picture and probably isn’t healthy.
By the grace of a loving God, my wife and I have never experienced the loss of a child. But we have good friends who have. And we grieve with them and for them, we pray for them and we cry with them. And we will never get past the loss. I don’t know who wrote the following, but I truly believe it. The purpose of life is to count, to matter, that it should make some difference that we existed at all. Short as it may have been, the loss of a child will leave a void in the heart of all those who loved him or her that can never heal. But life goes on, as it should.
Thank you so much for this article I was starting to feel like maybe I was being to sad I lost my son Chris in 2002 and not a day goes by that I do not think about him and what a joy he was in my life . thank you for letting me know it;s okay to grieve forever
This article describes exactly what it is like to lose a child. A piece of your heart is forever missing . You go on, you have happy moments but it is always there that your child will not be there for those happy moments. My son died last October and my daughter lost her brother . Every holiday or family occasion reminds us he is gone forever.
Our son OD’d 6-1-2011. He was gone for s short time then they revived him but by that time he suffered an Anoxic Brain Injury due to the lack of oxygen.
He can’t walk talk or see. He needs 24/7 care and he is given his liquid diet and meds through a g tube in his stomach.
Life changed when we discovered he was an addict but life seems to have stopped that day.
We grieve every day for the life our gifted kind loving son will never get to have.
People say we are lucky to have our son
Are you kidding me?
He fully understands what he has done to himself and our family. He lives with those feelings every waking minute. His anxiety and guilt is overwhelming for him and me.
I started a FB page
KENS VOICE for my son he wants people to know the mistakes he made and what the outcome can be. An outcone we never thought imaginable or onevthst could be so heartbreaking ???? everyday moment.
You don’t get over this kind of a loss of your child you pretend to move forward so that others are comfortable with that behavior.
We have been trying to bring awareness and education to our community but people don’t want to listen. How can our town have these issues?
I do not forget or ever stop loving my son that is still here on earth. Why should I be expected to forget or stop loving my son who is not here? There is no expiration date, it is forever. The loss of my son is a pain so deep in my soul that at times it can drop me to my knees. There has not been one day that I do not think of him. He came from me, he was a part of me, always & forever. It will be eight years in December and although it may happen less, when my sorrow comes it is as deep and painful as the day I found him on the floor. There are moments, so unexpected, that will cause my grief to erupt. I could no more stop those tears or make my heart stop hurting than I could stop the sun from rising. I will never be the same, I am forever changed. There is now a before and after mark in my life. I am a member of a group that I never asked to join.
Daniel, as always, I miss you, I love you & I love you more than that. 12-15-86 * 12-08-09
@Jo Gabel,
Dear Jo,
Your post tore at my heart, You put what I have felt everyday since June 22, 2015 (even hard to write the date). My Laura, my daughter, best friend, youngest child, roommate, is gone. I just go through the days, sure some days, I even laugh and smile, but Laura is never far from my thoughts, no matter the joy, the sunshine, the fun…I always think…”you should be here”. How could this have happened and how am I managing to live?? I know I still have a lot to live for, 4, almost 5 beautiful grandchildren, my 3 children and their wonderful spouses, my family, friends, but I will always have the hurt. You are right, we are forever changed, my life is before and after. Thank you for your honest, painful post, for touching my heart. The main reason I was compelled to reply as your Daniel and my Laura shared the same birthday, 12/15/1986. How coincidental is that? I can only hope that our beautiful angels might find each other, because I have to believe there is another life, and I cannot wait to see her again.
Laura, love and miss you every day, You are forever in my heart. xoxo, Mom
so sorry you hurt so much too.. My son was born in 1986 too… So sorry we are on the same journey that never ends ups and downs… we loved much so we hurt much… It makes me cry much sometimes when I read about other moms and the hurt and pain they go thru when I read about it and sometimes I cannnot look at tthese messages or I cry when I see other moms on TV who have lost their children… I guess because I know how it can feel…love and praying for all our moms who are on this hole in our hearts and how sad we feel and that it does get better but sometimes some of us can;t go in our rooms and cry and cannot control our tears in public, that if you have not lost a chold please do not say something that is hurtful or mean to us… shame on you and you need prayers or you don;t understand until you have been there…
My son died in 1990. I am hoping the day will come when I can be grateful for his life without a tinge of sadness.
It is all so true. 3yrs ago I changed. My heart was broken when my youngest son Cody died. Like you said—it’s a bad dream that you wake up to every day….I just keep thinking…when is he coming home…I miss him…then realize never…I’ll never see him again until we meet in Heaven……I just miss him.
Children don’t die only from physical death- they also “die” from emotional and psychological deaths. In my mind, my youngest son died the day he did his first attempt at drugs. I died the day I found them ( it seemed like TONS of multiple bottles of alcohol and weed, etc). I watched him “die”- he went from a loving, laughing, normal 12 year old, to a tortured,troubled teenager- it was like a switch, on to off… He attempted injury to himself and us, became a repeat runaway, skipped school, slept in parks, kept drugs to buy and sell in his locker at school, spent hours high in the basement and I. His room, grew pot in our window wells and sold it in our driveway, had his nose seriously cut off, threw tv’s out his window( from the second floor), jumped out of his 2nd floor bedroom window, jumped out of our moving car, had multiple arrests, it just goes on ad nauseum. The more we tried to get help for him, the less help we got. No one had a good answer for us. Finally, I just let him go- from our world, into a place we never thought our kids would ever end up. A world filled with strangers we never met or heard of, a one bedroom apartment 45 miles away from us, a place of work that we’d most likely never frequent. I see him once or twice a year, but I really don’t know who he is now…. The son I knew, died in all the turmoil of the last 12 years. He’s alive, but he isn’t…..
As I sit here on New Year’s Eve, a time that I am typically sad anyway, I read your comments and think how true they are. We list our 15 year old son Drew on June 23, 2003. He was my inspiration. I think of him everyday. There are some days that are good and some days that are really difficult…..still….even 15 years later. I will never get over the loss of my child.
I can identify with what you have written. My son has been gone 17 years and some days I grieve as if it happened yesterday. There is no getting over it. I wish Holidays did not exist and it always starts about a month prior to the day he died that I get such a fearful…anxious feeling. When the day (calendar day ) of his death passes I loose the anxious fearful feelings but the grief still lingers.
God bless you for expressing grief in a way that others cannot understand unless they have walked in our shoes.
I confided some of my feelings with a church member and she was not supportive to me. I’ve been upset with her since. She actually said Are You Still Stuck on that? Life is for the living. You need to start thinking differently. I feel like asking her what if you lost one of your children? How do you think you would feel?
I’m not sure I understand the difference in forever grief for a child as opposed to the forever grief of loosing a parent or a spose.
You expect your parents to die before you do and can be somewhat prepared for it and the aftermath. You understand your spouse can die before you do and can adjust, although that can be difficult. You NEVER expect nor are prepared for your child to die before you. It’s not the proper order of the way it’s supposed to be.
My youngest son Chris was killed in an accident on March 30, 2011 and I grieve every day. There’s a knot in the pit of my stomach that comes around daily. I don’t dwell on his passing from this life to heaven but it’s always right there on the edge. My mother died on July 26, 2017. It was painful and I grieve for Mom but it’s not even close to being the same, and my mother and I were very close.
It’s said when a Cardinal (red bird) flies and then stops close to where you are you have a visitor from heaven. It’s a saying, I know, but my point is this. I always tell the Cardinal “Hi Chris. Love you son. Sure do miss you.” Then, if I see a second Cardinal I will tell Mother hi and talk to her.
Mom and Dad were married 63 years and it’s been rough on him. When Chris was killed he had Mom there with him to help him grieve the loss of his grandchild. Even so, it was very devastating for both of them.
This is from a Dad’s perspective and I’ve talked with my wife Brenda McCoy Hambrick at length about this and she feels the same way. There’s absolutely nothing as devastating as losing a child.
I liken the loss of my son Sam at 7 years old to having a sword plunged into the middle of my heart. I’ve tried many times to pull it out but I have come to realize its impossible. Often I sense a feeling of being in some other place than those around me. “All” things this world has to offer have come into a clear perspective for me. I long to say his name and talk about the wonder of who he was. Some talk of being “stuck” in grief, or the “new” normal. Yet here I sit going on 9 years now longing for him every time I allow myself to go to that place, crying whenever I speak of him for any length of time. I find nothing normal about this passing of time since his death. This new normal doesn’t exist for those of us who travel down this road. I simply thank God for the time I had with him in my life.He was and always will be my “wonder”.
Yes. I have no other words than yes.
Another home run. Love this. ????
Best piece I have ever read….. Every morning, I am reminded yet again, my daughter is gone. Taken away, without warning. I trust she is in the presence of The Almighty, and all her pain is gone. For the parents, siblings and fiancé she left behind, every day us pain and ipure Hell.
Best piece I have ever read….. Every morning, I am reminded yet again, my daughter is gone. Taken away, without warning. I trust she is in the presence of The Almighty, and all her pain is gone. For the parents, siblings and fiancé she left behind, every day is painful. Pure Hell.
This is perfectly written. Every. Single. Word. Thank you.
We lost our daughter before she opened her eyes. We never heard her cry or coo, let alone see her smile.
But. we know she is with The Lord. . . and though we are not in a hurry, we know we will see her in Heaven because we have given our hearts to The Lord and are oartvof His flock,
It’s been 10 years, might as well have been yesterday. I do my crying in the shower, no one understands. She was the daughter who was always there for me, I feel I let her down even though there was no cure. For years she suffered from the pain, I tell myself I should be grateful, she is in peace now. My only comfort is believing we will some day be together again. Because of that I do not fear death for myself. I love and miss you, Gina. You were my baby even though you were 42 when you left us; you were a part of my body, my blood and my heart. I felt your first heartbeats, your first movements, I gave you life. As your mother, as the first one to love you, I should have been able to do more.
I know 3 women who died within 2 years of their sons” death. My son was in Iraq twice. Worried me. One of my twin girls was in ICU twice. I do not know what I would have done if she had died
My 22 year old son Alex and his girlfriend Beth died in an aeroplane crash in Thailand whilst taking a gap year from University. They were just two days into their trip. I too am not the same person I was. Alex was our only child, our life, our joy. My 94 year old mother tells me he was ‘too good’ for this life. A caring, loving son who has been torn from our lives. People ask me if ‘I’ve got over it yet’. I am completely heart broken, have been for the past ten years & will be for the rest of my life. Looking forward to reading your book x
Yes, you never get over the loss of your child you just learn to live with the heartache,
I one of the blessed who has never lost a child.
I have walked a million miles with my dear friend who lost 2 of her daughters 28 years ago.
She will never get over it but has made her life go on.I know not a day goes by that she does not think of them. We talk about them often and she told me one day That she was grateful to me for always letting her talk about her girls and not trying to change the subject.
She did join a group “Compassionet Friends after a year. They really helped her threw a lot the 1 St few years. I can’t imagine the pain.
My wonderful daughter died suddenly at age 47 from brain tumor surgery on August 15, 2015. I think about her all the time and will forever keep her in my heart. Her boys are now 10 and 14 and live far from me now. I am glad I have my faith.
My daughter, Ellen, died on August 15, 2015, from a brain tumor that had been misdiagnosed. I think about her all the time and miss my darling girl. Her boys are now 10 and 14 and live far from me now..
Firstly, no matter who we lose forever will always be on our minds. That’s given. I lost both of my parents way too early in their lives and mine. I needed them longer. I wanted them, longer. I also saw and learned early in my life how different it is to lose a child, and I agree, it’s much harder on the parents. The child didn’t have long enough to spend with the parents, to enjoy life, and the love a family can have for one another. I guess we all believe that parents go first and the child lives. But that’s not always how it turns out now, is it? And no matter who goes first, those left here on earth experience the sadness of being without and being alone. I’ve seen both ways and both ways are hard, and different at the same time. But the results are the same: We still mourn for those who leave us, whether we had alot of time with them, or not enough time with them here on earth. No matter what, we have to celebrate what we had, because remember, we didn’t have to share our lives with them at all, BUT WE DID. Remember all the good times, happy, sad, whatever, remember holding hands with and feeling the warmth and the love in that hold. Talk to them even though they are far away, they can still hear us. Find that twinkle in the night sky, and that is your person winking, loving, caring still and forever.
I lost my beautiful daughter 3.5 years ago. She was 40 with 2 young children. It doesn’t matter that she was older when she died. It still tears my heart apart. To see her children grow up without her love is heartbreaking too. I lost my husband 6 months later and I know he went down hill fast after she passed. No you never get over it.
Very well said. It’s been 25yrs since my son died at 19. I think of him and miss him every day.
I cry while reading this my husband and relatives or friends think why should I cry after all it had been over 14 years almost since my son died, it feels like yesterday sometimes since I lost him when he was riding in a car with a friend that left him under his cousins car and ran away… I cry because I loved him he was my only son and I loved him deeply. I still make him a cake on his birthday… Some people tell me why and act like I am crazy… My brother told me that once he could not find his kid and that is the same. I do not think so, also my relatives tell me that my sister in law or people that lost children who have cancer is much worse pain than my pain of losing a child, I think no pain is worse than other when losing a child no matter how they died, it still hurts the same.. and some say because you son was drinnking he went to hell so shy you crying . A lady in church told me don;t you have faith, stop crying, I don;t cry all the time, just sometimes I cannot help it in church when others talk about their children….Sometimes I cry because I thinnk maybe I could have saved him or ws not a stricker mom… He was a young had ADD and drank and did some Drugs and we tried to get him into rehab but at the time everyone said no room right now only room for minorites now… this is Austin TX… well sorry I cry, and now I cry more, because my Daughte does not speak much to me She probably feels I was a terrible Mom because her brother died and had a terrible father of her two boys and their father took them away with help of his crooked parents a Lt. Co. in the army who lies and said I have down syndrome and make up lies and used alienation to get the grandsons taken away from us and a step grandson died at their house and it was never proven who killed him at thier house and they sue my daughter and their son did not pay child support for his kids when they live d with us.. they put us thru hell because of the lies they did to us. I never and my husband never did drugs and CPS made us take drug tests and they had police over her alot because of lies they made up like we thru computer and hit one of my grandsons was a lie and several lies, never was a mark and they never helped us or wanted to see the kids when they were little and now they want child support and do not let us see them ever again and they even want medical bills and gas to go to doctor and want it deposited in their private account so they can decuct all of it on their taxes and they say they are all sick the grandfather pretends to be sick and blind when he goes to court, these people are sick and I pray every day my grandsons are okay, several years ago the grandpa told my grand son to hold my granddaughter by her legs and hit her with a bat and one summer he locked the kids in the garage for hours in the hot summer in the garage and they let these people llie and get perment custody of the grandkiss they alway s get away with things and sue everyone… so many stories to tell… Wow this world is full of crazy and selfish people who go to church and lie every day like it is okay to act like this and claim to be a christian… My sister in law even said because my son died and my caugher is my husbands stepdaughter she tells people at weddings and funerals she is no blood and she even told me in so many words because my son died and my daugher not blood what if I die ieverything should be given to her in a will… and now she is director of a church they do not know how she lied and cheated her own family out of some of their inhertiance well sorry to tell you this but in this world you cannot trust your own brother or sister when it comes to inhertiance you better not let them have complete control or executor of the will then they can take it all…. and one day my sister in law said lets celebrate her dads birthday and invitied all the relatives and since her husband name was John she said like her father she had a cake for her husband John and her Dad and she did not mention that my son Died too so no one acknowledged him.. I was upset and tried not to show it. I felt terrible and criedwhen no one was looking… I wish I would have left… How can people be so terrigle and selfish… she even faked being sick and other stuff like telling her brothers to sign the life insurance policy over to her so she could pay the nursing hoe like she was running out of money but think it was a lie to put all the money in her bank. so do not believe things like this if it happens in your family because when it comes to money some family will try to manipaliate everyone… sorry for all this gut feeling down because I miss my son and grandsons, well I am going to try and think on things I have to be thankful for… like I have food, home, and a couple of friends who care… and know that a lot of people have alot of trougles more than me… well praying for all the Moms who have sick families who only think of themselves… I thank GOD that he did not let me let my selfish sister in law move in with us and that I am not living in hell from her manilating my husgand to drive her everywhere or listen to her fake pains and etc… at least GOD saved me from this… some people say that the terrible things that happen to our loveds ones is sometimes to save them from terrible things happening to them in the furture or the Lord is taking them now to save them from the awful future trigbulation in the world. I think just terrible things just happen because we live in a free willl and this world evil things happen to the good and bad… And I am thankful I beleive in Jesus Christ who will one day come and take the good people who trust Jesus and lact live as a true christian willl ge iin a world where we will no longer hurt because of the evil and sad things that happen in this cruel world, and I do not understand how some parents could take or live if their children were murdered by someone… I really feel for them…
why not?
I am so thankful someone put into words what it is to loose a child. I lost my daughter Candy Mandy it will be 9 years on June 21st of this year, I call her my Candy Mandy cuz she was my sweet precious daughter that could light up the room when she made her presence. The day she died my life as I new it was no more, and I do look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that person I was. I can’t wait for the day I will be reunited with her again.
14 years 7 months and 29 days. Somebody once told that she wasn’t even my real child so why did I not ‘snap out of it’. I will ‘never snap out of it.’ Not a day goes by that she is not somewhere with me and I will always be thankful that she was a part of my life the whole of her fifteen years.
We don’t feel like we are grieving because we know our son is safe and happy. We do miss him each day and we talk about him most days . We try to live our life and know we have a purpose here on earth. We are truly sorry for your loss, and we know how it feels. Our beloved son died over five years ago in his plane when the engine failed. He was in a dive and had no chance to land it safely. He was extraordinary in life and after his death. But here is the good news for all of you. He went directly to heaven. Our loved ones are escorted to heaven by family members. He was escorted to heaven by his grandparents. All of your children went directly to heaven, including all the babies that were lost. We have three sons waiting for us in heaven. They will all be waiting for us when we leave this earth. Here is more good news. They are always around their family watching over us. They don’t miss any of the special events. Believe me they are there! My son proves he is around each and every day. As I said before, we miss him each and everyday but we are assured he is happy and he is with Jesus. The hardest part about losing a loved one is waiting for the day we will be with them in heaven.
A friend sent this to me today. We lost our son on 6/3/17. I miss him every minute of the day. I haven’t figured out the new normal. I feel like I get up in the morning and go to bed with numbness the rest of the day.
He was 39 and I’d give anything for one more day with him.
Thank for writing this piece.
I can partially agree with this. My daughter and her fiancée drowned in a fishing accident when she was 20. She left behind our Year old grandson! It was horrific!
That was 20 years ago now and we had the privilege of raising her son and seeing him grow and become a mature and awesome young man of 22. What I learned along the way was if ai mentally turned the negatives to positives then My healing was healthy .
I have missed her, especially on her birthday and the anniversary of her death, but there is a spot in my heart where it fits ! I must be grateful for those 20 years that we had her? She would not want a sadness that was destructive! I love to think about those wonderful memories, yes tinged with sadness but also with thankfulness.
I don’t say that time heals all ! I believe a balanced view of life, that bad things can happen to anyone in life can help have a realistic outlook when they happen to us.
Not meaning to make light of anyone else’s grief! Just wanted to share what has worked for me!
Y’know, it’s not just mothers. It’s hard for fathers, too. My daughter died a day after her 18th birthday from bone cancer. It has been 11 years, 7 months, 18 days since she passed & I’m down to only crying 10 times a day over it.
it feels like a nuclear bomb hit and we live in the fallout , damaged forever things are never the same always a big hole The day you lose your child its as if someone puts a concrete overcoat on you , its heavy painful and grey but you can never take it off you just get used to waring it .
Amazing to read this article- For years I have needed these words- I lost my son at 8 months old- when he was born Dr’s said there was no hope and he’d die in 1 day or 6 months. He lived 8 months but every day we knew he’d die- we had never been to a funeral. Our little girls kept asking”. He’s so cute. but why does he have to die??” We had our faith but it just didn’t make sense. Now I am 75 years old and this could be yesterday!!! My parents kept saying “you have to get over this. even months after- no one wanted to bring it up or say the name ????. My husband died 15 years ago but my heart so breaks for the experience of losing our little angel. Thank you so much. and for all the other stories of lose. We are a special club led by God!
Seven years ago in April 28,2011 I lost my youngest son. An I still think an talk about him everyday. I go through life with a smile on my face but yet inside I am dieing everyday. My heart still breaks Everytime I see his picture it see or hear something that reminds me of him. The pain never goes away I just learn how to cope with it day to day. But it is hard to go on without him here. But with the help from my Lord he helps me get through it alot better. So prayers to all those who have lost a child. I pray God gives you peace of mind an comfort your hearts.
R.I.P MY ANGEL TRAVIS TOLLEY
GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN ????
Thank you so much for that. I’ve searched for the right words from day one that would show to those who’ve never lost a child just how debilitating this journey is. You brought everything together perfectly. I’d like to ask permission to use it. Of course I’d always have your website and your name showing you’re the author.
Thank you for this! I lost my only son, Spencer at the age of 16 in September of 2017. He had stopped to help a stranger try to fix his van so they wouldn’t be stranded. The owner of the van misplaced the jack and as my son was trying to get the serpentine belt off, the van fell on him crushing his skull. He was declared brain dead two days later. His last act of kindness and compassion, he donated his organs and was able to save 6 lovely people. This is comforting, but doesn’t bring him back! This article expresses exactly the way I feel. Some days it’s all I can do to just breathe. To my Angel Spencer, I love you every single second of the day!
i read this and think of my husband who died at age 60, 12 years ago. It’s a grief I still live with. But always remember the love.
I just lost my Son Clayton last year on August 14, 2017. My world has cam to a holt. He was my best friend my side kick, we did everything together. He sufferd at frome depression and anxiety. He fought demons everyday. He didn’t like being around people. He stadium at home he kept to himself. He saw counseling and on med.
I thought he was getting better but over the last year he want down hill. He had had 3 different counselor over on year everyone just kept leaving to a better job so Clayton had to relive his stories over and over and he hated that. He started to close himself off to others and slept alot and just wouldn’t do anything. One August 14, 2017 I woke up to finding my son gone he took his on life. I Will Never Let Go Boo ????
Everyone speaks of a child who has, so sadly, died. I know how you feel, and my son is alive. But he has refused any contact with me. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since he was 12; he will be 24 this year. He was born in 1994, my miracle child. I was 39. I had 7 miscarriages during the previous years. All through the time I carried him and for months after he was born, I had to shake my head to realize that he was real. His father became psychologically and financially abusive and physically threatening to me when Morgan was aged 10 – 11. I had to leave to save myself, and lived with PTSD for over a year afterward. I begged my son to come away with me, but he elected to stay in his home with his father. After severe brainwashing by his father, paternal grandparents and 4 older half siblings, he no longer wanted to have contact with me. His father has since passed away from a heart attack. Morgan does call my mother, his Granny, 2 – 3 times a year, and has travelled to visit with her 3 times in the past 12 years. But he punishes her with less contact if he thinks she has shared any information about him with me. To me, my son has died, while being alive to everyone but me. I have such an ache in my heart, he is never far from my mind, and I cry whenever I speak or think about him, like now. No one, even other parents, seem to understand how I feel.
Beautifully written. Thanks for posting. Just this morning I net another woman who had lost a teenager. My Nathan was killed January 1999. You don’t ever get over it. You learn a new norm. It seems up on you at the strangest moments and kicks you in the gut. But you do pull yourself together and move on. It’s the worst when people look at you like you are crazy when you talk about your child. I was so blessed to have him. And I do still miss him. But We love to remember him and tell stories. Why do people want you to pretend your child never existed? You remember and talk about other loved ones. I find sharing good memories eases the pain. I see his smile and my heart rejoices..he was my boy!
7/7/18 will be 30 yrs since my girl became my Angel, she is and always will be in my heart, in my daily thoughts and the light of my life. She was my first and biggest love, she tought me how to love endlessly in everyway, and has lightened my days into my journey of life…
My girl is so beautiful with those big beautiful wings as the Angel she is….
Thank you for the reminder that it is okay to grieve! I have had so many “well meaning” family/friends tell me 1 month, 1 year, 5 years now is enough time to stop talking about my son Tyler. But how can you tell them as I watched him wither away from cancer, caring for him, medicating him, feeding him and ultimately bathing him after his death one last time that it’s not okay to forget him, that I will never, ever forget him. I will talk about him, I will remember him and all the wonderful things about this strong firefighter, man, father, son, brother who is and continues to be part of me. Now I just let them ramble understanding they are ignorant to this process and don’t want to learn, but I keep on speaking his name and acknowledging that he lived on this earth and he was a part of me, my family and my heart!
Nearly 10 years have gone by and I only just learned about the perpetrator of my daughter Kirsten’s murder. So in addition to trying to navigate my ‘healing’ I’ve also been awarded a second go at fresh grief. The only person who told me to ‘hurry up and heal’ is no longer in my life. Spot-on article.
such beautiful, but painful, thoughts. I’m rereading and saving this.
Thank you. the tsunami of awareness that my daughter is gone continues everyday. She died now, now, NOW! Elizabeth’s dad – 03/27/1984 – 03/18/2018. Forever 33.
I write for a friend, I grieve for a friend. She lost her most precious gift and it would have been kinder to have stabbed her in the heart. From the very second I heard the news I knew my friend also that day had died. A large part of her was missing and she would never be the same. I listened to her sobs and knew there was no comfort. What comfort is there when your heart has been torn from you. I know every day she tortures herself with what ifs and if only but time turns back for no one least of all a parents grief.
Your journeys and strength to each other is the only thing that may offer some ease.
I want to tell her what a beautiful child she had. How she gave the most wonderful gift to any child – the gift of a wonderful mother and father who loved and loves still so deeply. A childhood full of smiles, laughter and happiness. Her child was one of the most happiest mischievous bundles of joy. I want to say that it wasn’t their fault, there was nothing they could do. To be kind to themselves.
This pain this grief is too big for platitudes. I am so sorry that I cannot ease their pain.
He will forever be remembered and I wish that eventually though the sadness will never go away that the happy memories will come back.
Despite my yearnings I was never blessed with children. But the pain of loosing a child is unimaginable. There is no greater gift than a child and there is no greater pain than loosing one. My thoughts are with you all.