by Angela Miller
Earlier this week we invited you to speak your truth about Mother’s Day. We were flooded with hundreds of responses: the raw truth about what Mother’s Day is really like for you– grieving moms. Moms who often feel there is no place for you anymore on this day. No place for you to honor both what is present and what is missing; no place for both your love and your pain, your gratitude and your sorrow; no place for you as a grieving mother– at Mother’s Day brunches, churches, gatherings and celebrations. As grieving moms, we often feel left out– forgotten, ignored and misplaced on this day that was in fact founded by bereaved mothers themselves.
We are so honored to feature your collective voices here, to speak your truth, and to honor and celebrate you as a mother. Just as love never dies, the bond between a mother and her child lasts forever. Not even death can take that away. On Sunday (and every day,) we hope you will remember: no matter how long or short your child’s life was, you will always and forever be your precious child’s mom. Always.
We hope the voices of these grieving moms will resonate deeply with your broken heart, and that in the sharing of our collective pain, you will feel our arms wrapped tightly around you, hear us whispering, “Me too, me too,” and deeply know:
You are never, ever alone. Not on Mother’s Day, and not on any day of the year.
This Mother’s Day we remember you, we honor you, and we celebrate the brave, beautiful mom you are.
On the A Bed For My Heart Facebook page, we asked,
What is Mother’s Day like for you?
What do you wish more people understood about
what it’s really like to be a grieving mom on Mother’s Day?
Here’s what you had to say:
I wish people understood that simply because I have a living child, does not mean the pain of losing my daughter is any less. People see my son, but they can’t see the hole in my soul. ~Alli
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The raw truth of what Mother’s Day is really like for me: It is very hard to put on a fake smile for my family and get up and go to church and wait for them to ask all mothers to stand up. I am still a mother, but where do I fit in on this day? I wish people would understand that grief doesn’t end just because it’s been 19 months; I had him for 23 years. I will hold him in my heart until the day I die. I wish people would say his name, remember who he was and how loved he was and still is loved with every breath I take. He lives in me until we meet again. ~Vicky
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I lost my only child 5 years ago, and my mother 39 years ago. Mother’s Day has lost all meaning to me. ~Geri
Mother’s Day is such a balance between joy and pain for me. I’m relieved to be staying in this year because honestly going out to a nice brunch would bring all of the innocent questions that I just don’t want to deal with that day: “Is he your first (my beautiful rainbow son)? Is he your only? How many children do you have?” ~Christine
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Mother’s Day will never be the same, ever again. ~Susan
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Bittersweet. And I expect it will always be. This will be my second Mother’s Day without my daughter, the first was brutal despite loving family, friends and an understanding surviving sibling. Do whatever you need to do, mommas. If people can’t or don’t understand, they should be grateful. Meanwhile, I will treasure my heavenly daughter as much as my earthly daughter. ~Cynthia
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This will be the third Mother’s Day without my eldest son. He was 29 when cancer took him away from our lives. I will deeply miss hearing his voice, reading his smart ass card, and feeling his tight grip hug that lifts my feet off the floor. Yet, I treasure more (if that is even possible,) the time spent with my other sons. ~Robin
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On my first mother’s day without my daughter I went to church. The pastor asked all mothers to stand and be recognized. I only had one child. Was I a mother anymore? I didn’t know what to do. My dear friend whose daughter was my daughter’s friend took my elbow and helped me up. All I did was cry. Everyone in church knew why. They tried to comfort me, and they did the best they could. Some years I avoid going on Mother’s Day unless my own mom is going, too. One of the nicest mother’s day gift came out of the blue that first year from my cousin. It was a bouquet of tulips with a card that said, “Once a mother, always a mother. Happy Mother’s Day.” ~Sandy
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Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me. I remember when my kids were younger, they would make me breakfast and serve me in bed. Crunchy eggs and burnt toast were standard fare, but I loved it. My son passed away at 21, and this year will mark 10 years since he left. Thinking about those memories right now makes me cry. I just miss him so much. I miss his face, his voice, and his stupid jokes. This year has been especially hard because it has been so long. I can’t get my head around it.
If I could, I would shut off my phone, close the blinds, hide, and pretend it was just another day— but because I have other children, I can’t do that. ~Jennifer
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This is my first Mother’s Day since Lily was stillborn in November. I have no other children and my Mom passed away 12 years ago. Honestly, I want to hide under a rock on Sunday. I wish that other people knew and understood that I am still a Mother and that the day will be extremely hard, but it wouldn’t be so hard if they would just mention Lily. I realize that they may think that mentioning it will upset me, but it is much more upsetting if they say nothing. I would appreciate their remembering and mentioning her even though the situation makes me sad. ~Lynne, Lily’s Mom
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I will grieve forever until we meet again. ~Keitha
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Mother’s Day for me is that confusing mix of happy and sad, gratitude for my babies who are here with me and the pain of missing the one who isn’t. What has helped me get through the day: to have a plan, something lovely to look forward to, a little positive self care. But at the same time, not placing too many expectations on the day or trying to make it the perfect day (a mistake I’ve made in the past.) I tried to give myself permission to be sad or angry, or to need time alone. And I made sure I spent some quiet moments doing something just for my child who I can’t hold in my arms. I wish more people understood that time doesn’t heal this one, that Mother’s Day will forever be a stark reminder of all I have lost and all that is missing. On Mother’s Day, acknowledging my child who died is the greatest gift anyone can give me. ~ Jess, Maeve’s Mom
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This is my second Mother’s Day without my son, Will. I lost him to a heart defect at the age of 27, without warning. Mother’s Day brings so many emotions. My mind plays cruel tricks on my heart. I find myself thinking he might call or give me a special sign from beyond this life. My head knows that I will not see him, as I used to, but my heart searches for him in crowds or places he used to like to go. I never knew that the human heart could hold this much pain and continue to beat. On Mother’s Day I will go to Will’ s favorite place and pray he feels my love and I will allow my mind to remember all the Mother’s Days of the past when he told me how he loved me, too. He will always be my son and I will always be his Mom. For that blessing, I will smile through my tears. ~Lori, Will’s Mom
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I don’t grieve on Mother’s Day. I am thankful for the blessing of my three children, one of whom died at age 29. I recall the memories of my precious child. I honestly don’t think anyone can understand what it’s like to lose a child unless they have actually lost a child. As parents, it is unimaginable. Mother’s Day is pure gratitude for me. How blessed I am at 66 to have had my son and to still have my two daughters. ~Donna
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Mother’s Day is a lonely day for me. I celebrate my mother-in-law and my mother. My only child, Patrick, was 15. We adopted him because we were unable to have children. He was such a joy and happy young man. He was killed by a boy who was playing with a gun. I miss him so much. Our lives have been forever altered in what we do, where we go, our outlook on life, and our faith in everything. ~Shawna, Patrick’s Mom
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I hate this day. I have two children still but it’s not the same. Last year I had flowers on my deck when I came home from work. My heart was so full thinking that they came from my Nicholas, as he always got me flowers. Of course they were not from him. The rest of the day I just sat and cried. I will never get “love you, mom” from him anymore. I don’t know how I can do this anymore. I am still so lost. ~Rhonda
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I lost my son, Marcus, two years ago this April. Marcus was my only child. He was 43 when he passed. It has been a merry go round for me. One day I am fine and then the next day I am a mess. One thing that is hard for me is to see other mothers with their children enjoying life with them. I don’t know if this is normal, but I am very jealous of them. I will never be able to hug or kiss or physically tell Marcus, “I love you” again. Many people will not talk about Marcus because he has passed. They feel like it will bring bad memories. I want people to talk about him. I don’t want him to be forgotten. ~Linda
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It’s a fine line I walk on Mother’s Day and always. I dread not being able wrap my arms around my son and hear his voice. And at the same time I am grateful to be able to spend time with my other two children, which makes the days more bearable. I know that I will always carry Ryan in my heart and my love for him transcends time and space… It’s – just – so – hard. ~Victoria, Ryan’s Mom
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It’s my first Mother’s Day without my youngest daughter. I’m not looking forward to it; I cry thinking of it … still too raw. I don’t want to be alone, I know that. ~Marg
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What Mother’s Day is really like for me is a spiral full of emotions and a feeling of emptiness that will never go away. What mothers need to hear is that we are not alone... just someone to listen to goes along way. I hope those hurting this Mother’s Day take time for themselves; be kind and gentle to your soul because as a grieving mother it’s never easy putting one foot in front of the other no matter how time goes on. ~Lizzie
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This will be my first Mother’s Day as a mother and without my first and only baby. She died three days after birth due to avoidable labor complications. People do not understand this type of loss and it’s with deep sadness I’m learning to keep it to myself. Mother’s Day in particular I’m guessing will be a day where happy sunshine moms don’t want to be reminded of the worse realities some of us have to bear. Those blank faces, empty reassurances, or words of denial are not needed on an already tough day. Or worse the mothers who talk about what a hard job being a mother is. True. I’m guessing being a mother is a hard job. But being a complete childless mother is the most difficult job in all the world! ~Angela
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I don’t like Mother’s Day. It is a reminder of everything I have lost and don’t have in my life. I wish people would understand on Mother’s Day it is much easier for me to just be alone, and do what I need to do for me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want people to respect the fact that I need a lot of space on that day. ~Natalie
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Mother’s Day will always be tough. I am still a mom to my daughter, who works hard to make the day special for me. But I still have to spend time in a cemetery, visiting my only son. What I appreciate most, is people just letting me know that they are thinking about me and Ryan. Letting me know that they are giving their kids an extra hug, because they can. Letting me grieve and celebrate without feeling guilty about either. ~Amy
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On special days/holidays the hole in my heart seems bigger. Even now with Mother’s Day still a few days away the sadness had crept in. My emotions are all over the place trying to balance the happiness and sadness. ~Kim
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It sucks ass, frankly, not having my mother or my only son with me anymore. I honestly just have to survive the days leading up to it and the actual day doesn’t seem as bad as the days before. What I wish people would do is not forget me because I seriously just feel forgotten about on Mother’s Day. It’s my 3rd one since Dalton passed and every year I think, wow, here I am, I made it through despite those days where I can’t even function. We are in the club that nobody asked to be in and what I do know for sure is we are strong, brave, bad ass moms. ~Sherri
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On this earth, I am a motherless child and a childless mother. That makes Mother’s Day nearly unbearable. People are so used to seeing the brightly colored, happy advertisements from every store, flower shop, and card company each May that they don’t realize how much those reminders can hurt someone who is grieving. Social media fills with pictures of moms and kids celebrating. Those reminders are a slap in the face of all the things I can’t have or do anymore, with my mother or as a mother myself. It can be one dagger in the heart after another. By the end of the day, I’m emotionally exhausted and drained. I am the sad story, the one people murmur about out of earshot. They thank God they’re not me. I don’t blame them. There are many days I don’t want to be me, either. ~Amy
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I had one child: a beautiful, loving kind daughter named Zoe Mikaela. I miss her so much and don’t care for Mother’s Day anymore. I cry and feel lonely and heartsick everyday, but that day is the worst! The first year people rallied round, of course, but by the second year, one person remembered. Now I don’t care if anyone cares. I guess I am becoming bitter. I don’t know what to do about it! People around me think I am okay, but I am not. I smile and do all the happy brave face shit!– but I’m getting tired. ~Sharon, Zoe’s Mom
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Mother’s Day feels like it mocks my pain, this year in particular. Motherhood was the greatest thing that ever happened to me… Mother’s Day reminds me that I am not the mother I once was because a part of me will always be missing. ~Rebecca
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This is my first Mother’s Day without my beloved son. Right now I am struggling with everything. I try to be strong for those around me but the pain is truly unimaginable. ~Donna
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Mother’s Day is never easy for me. I am a motherless, childless mother. My husband knows to just leave me be, I cry at the drop of a dime, commercials make me want to scream. As the month of May comes to an end, my spirits lift and by the time June is here I am back to my normal self (whatever that is, lol.) ~Geri
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I miss my son Matthew not just on Mother’s Day, but every moment of the day. He made me laugh and I was so proud of the young man he was becoming. No one should ever have to bury their child. ~Lana
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Mother’s Day is one of the most confusing days of the year for me. I ache to have all my children with me… At the end of the day when they are tucked into bed and I’m finally free to feel all my emotions, I sob… I wish all my kiddos were here to love me this day. ~Sara
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A big thank you to all the beautiful mothers who shared their broken open hearts with us.
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What about you? We’d love to hear from you!
Join the conversation + speak your truth by commenting below
What is Mother’s Day like for you?
What do you wish more people understood about
what it’s really like to be a grieving mom on Mother’s Day?
Even though I have two other children, my heart is forever broken after losing my son Craig. He will be in my heart and thoughts forever. I’ve lost my mom too so Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me.
Last year was the first Mothers Day without my son. I was knocked over by the pain in my heart. I felt literally torn between Heaven and Earth with the love for my living son and the son who is gone. Horrible!
I lost my only child, my son Bobby, one month before his 33rd birthday 2.5 years ago. I miss him so much. It’s like my life stopped at that time and I’m just going through the motions. He wasn’t married so I’ll never be a grandmother. I dread Mother’s Day and will go visit him and stay home. He was the love if our lives. He had such a sweet kind soul. Everyone loved him and enjoyed being around him. I just wish sometimes I am actually in a coma and I’ll wake up and everything will be fine. I can’t believe I’m still walking on this earth without him to talk to, hang out, or just laugh. I still cry every day sometimes all of a sudden or because I am constantly thinking of him even when talking to someone. He is on my mind all waking minutes of the day and sometimes into the night. Just miss him so much. He loved being around me and someone told me they have never ever such a bond between a mother and son as we have with each other. It’s so nice that others saw this even his girlfriend who actually said those comments to me.
I lost my beautiful son three years ago and three months ago I lost my mom. I want to picture them celebrating this day and every day together, but there are such big holes in my life where they used to be that nothing feels right anymore. I’ve been invited to Mothers Day dinners and cookouts with others but don’t know what condition I’ll be in. Maybe some alone time and beautiful scenery will be easier. I guess it’s best to “wing it” and do what feels best. These days are just about surviving.
I have lost both my children , my daughter at 16, my son at 30. I have no one who calls me Mom anymore. I will spend my day at there grave site and listen for their message to me. I am still their Mom I will always be, I wish people understood just how hard this is, and at the very least called to see how you are doing just for today. ????
wow 🙁 i didnt get threw but a few post & i had to stop ,i am so crying and wished i could reach out to all these amazeing woman who have children that have passed on to Gods house ,,i couldnt imagaine nor wrap my head around what they all go threw minute by minute ,daily or yrly after loseing a child at any age , my daughter in law & my son have 5 kids between them ,but 2 yrs ago my daughter in law had a topical pregnacy ,i may have it wrong ,after there now 7 yr old son was born ,she had her tubes tied ,so 2 different hospital and many test showed almost 99 % she was carrying twins ,but they were in her tubes so she after a few days passed them 🙁 it was a davasting monent for them as well as me ,but as we feel God needed those babies back for what ever reason ,with that being said ,my own mother passed the yr before all of that ,i had a nevoruse break down ,was moved by son from florida to georgia ,which i am grateful to my son for doing ,every where i went i saw moma ,we werent growing up a close moma & daughter , she was not a hugger nor i love you kind of moma but i new she loved me & my 2 sister as did my step dad , but as i got older in my mid 40’s we did get close ,hugs & i love yous always ,the night before my moma passed , we was haveing a bad thunderstorm where i lived ,i was on phone for over 2 hours talking to moma ,i was to spend the weekend with her ,she had just eaten ,kept saying she was so full she couldnt breath ,she had 1 chicken wing ,a tablespoon of mash potatoes & green beans , the next morning i was out walking my dog to potty at 6am ,my sister called me screaming ,saying you dont have to come over cos moma had tooken her meds and went to potty ,my sister was waiting for her to say ok come in and help me back to chair in her bedroom ,it didnt come ,so my sister went in , at first my sister said she thought moma had fallen asleep till she say blood running out of her mouth ,i suppose where she had bit down on her tongue ,i am so blessed to have been given the time the night before to talk to my moma ,she had demtia bad and most days she didnt know me and i am the oldest of 3 daughters ,but she suffered dearly and i was not a that moment happy about her passing as i am know cos the pain she suffered for yrs was over ,moma & God had there on plans on 7-7-2013 ,it has tooken me till know to accept that moma is gone ,so tomorrow will be very hard for me ,i suffer greatly from bipolar depression with PTSD ,& anger issues ,but i will get threw it ,,if i had but 1 wish to tell all these woman whos child has passed ,,it would be to say you carried this child ,you cared & loved it the best any moma could do ,come mothers day or anyday ,know there are with you always ,,just whisper there name <3 God bless each and every one of you ,,sheila
I lost my son two and a half years ago, an auto accident on an icy road. His son and nephew and dog survived, for which I am eternally grateful. Chris was 44, married with two kids. I still have them and my daughter but I grieve every day, and miss him so much. I do wish people would talk about him to me. I will hurt forever, but hearing his name brings me joy.
I lost my son at 9 months and two days along back in 2016 it kills me inside to not be worth my only child. He was still on. I long for mother’s day to not exist for me. And no one truly understands until they too have been in my shoes.
Mothers day is bittersweet…I have a son who is alive but it still is a rough day
I will spend it silently mourning my beautiful little girl taken by cancer yet loving and smiling as my other two reveal their heartfelt cards and gifts. Matilda’s absence will be deafening – the elephant in the room, only to be acknowledged by myself alone in the bathroom when the tears spill over.
My shoulders will relax with relief that’s it’s over tonight.
Being a bereaved mum has opened a new cruel world up to me. It has made me more compassionate and understanding. I had no clue how deep the pain of child loss was before my child died. I probably wouldn’t have been very helpful to others. Now, I know all mums of child loss need to hear their child’s name regularly. We continue to mother the child we lost. Part of our heart and soul belongs to them, it always will. Please don’t get bored of our grief. It’s an expression of our love. xx
When my only child Seth was run over by a bus driver and killed almost 8 years ago I thought I would die. He was the center of my life, my best friend, my soulmate. No one around me really gets it–not my family not my friends. I posted something to Facebook about Mothers Day and how hard it was and one of my sisters made a joke about it. I know in my heart that I’m still a mother, but Mothers Day still sucks–it’s harder for me that almost any other day of the year.
It’s hard, I’m torn between my two loving living sons and my angel I lost 24 weeks ago at only 11 years old. I’m mad at myself for not being thankful for what I had and what I have now. I am so sorry for not being stronger
I hate mothers day and every other day. Each day is a hard and draining battle to just survive. Losing my only 21 month old daughter Alissa 9 months ago has destoyed me. I will never be the same, miss my life with my Alissa. She’s my whole life, joy my everything. Thinking of you all today. Lots of love and big hugs.xxx
My Son Matthew died in traffic accident 8 months ago and I still cry every day – I miss him so much. I am so grateful I had him in my life for 28 happy years – I only have good memories of my precious son and I will continue to talk of him when ever I get the opportunity and keep his memory strong, wholesome and positive….he will always be my Mother’s Day Gift – my Heavenly one! Vicky
A motherless child and a childless mother. Those are my labels. The worst part? After five rounds of Ivf, which I long ago stopped telling friends and family about, and two miscarriages -a son and daughter- most people don’t even know I was a mom for 22 collective weeks. 22 sweet, wonderful, incredible weeks. I am a motherless daughter and a childless mother suffering in silence while social media and commercialism celebrates all that I am not.
I had a medically complex and technology dependent daughter Sara. I literally ran an icu out of my house. This included ventilators, tube feeding machines, iv pumps, oxygen concentrators, oxygen tanks central iv line supplies, and medications no mother should have to carry. We lost her in September two weeks after my son went to college. We had a house full of nurses 24/7 in our house. Treatments and physician orders were a common thing. Trouble shooting medical equipment until someone from the equipment company could come fix the item or bring me a new one. So I went from a truly full house to just me and my husband in two weeks The house echos now because of the emptiness. No nurses or alarms going off. No son to torture wearing costumes to drop him off at school. My daughter defined me and was my world. For twelve years I was her advocate, caretaker, nurse, and so much more. My world changed in the span of two weeks. I lost my daughter and my son went to college. The family just planted a tree and my husband insisted that I watch and was upset that I wouldn’t participate. I wish people would understand that I am still and always will hurt, especially on this day.
Your world sounds exactly like mine. I had my girl Samantha with special needs for 24 years and I miss her so much, her and I had a special bond and I’m sure you know what I mean! Yes the quietness is horrible. My daughter broke her leg while with her nurse. We went to the hospital and had surgery which went well. Because of one of her lungs being collapsed one bad thing after another happened, she didn’t make it out of the hospital, we were in there for 6 weeks and we had to let her go. Now just learning to live without my child is a struggle, I know she is in heaven with Jesus but it still doesn’t take the pain away.
This year is my 33rd year to spend without my 4 year old, Samantha. I have three other children but will forever miss my girl. The pain is always there.
I lost my only son 2 1/2 years ago he was 34 he was on top of the world a good job a little girl who he worshipped and she him, he went to bed and never woke up autopsy confirmed he had 98% blockage no prior knowledge of heart issues. I feel so empty Jason had a larger than life personality and I feel that part of me died when he did. There isn’t a moment of the day that I don’t think of him we had a very different relationship we were very much alike. Mother’s Day to me is so very hard my 2 daughters were with me but Jason was missing. It’s hard to explain to people and my girls and husband how I feel my whole life has been turned upside down and I can’t fix it. I love my girls, but I miss my son my family is no longer complete. It has a big hole of emptiness, children are not suppose to die before parents there are so many many things that were left unsaid. I have been having a lot of bad days lately and I know it was because of Mother’s Day, he was always with me on Mother’s Day Jason should be here not me. What I wouldn’t give to trade places with him. We had a mother and son bond that was amazing. I miss him more and more everyday.
Mothers Day 2017 was the hardest yet. 7th one without my only daughter; my firstborn. I made plans to see a movie with my youngest son; a son/mommy date. My husband brought home 2 flowers for our 2 sons, not 3. This small “kindness” broke me, angered me, set me on a spiral of tears that wouldn’t stop for several hours. This is when bad got worse. He told me to get over myself, I still had one child at home waiting to spend time with me. If all I was going to do was cry all day, he would take our son and leave for the day. So, I wiped my tears, stuffed all my feelings and continued through the day with more scar tissue distancing any connection my spouse and I have. My daughter is forever 19; a child born of violence, hidden for a hopeful 21 years… she didn’t make it, murdered, stabbed to death. Grief is never ending. Parole hearing in 2025. This will eventually end the marriage if my spouse doesn’t change. This year, 2018, I’m going to request to work that day and separate myself from the whole ordeal.