by Angela Miller
. . .
A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.
But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.
Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes,
hours,
days,
months,
years,
without you.
Another year
of battling the heartless
cliches thrown my way.
Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,
Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest son
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .
. . .
I dedicate this to each and every bereaved parent learning how to live without their precious child. I wrote it the first New Year’s Eve without my son, six years ago. The title summed up my feelings then pretty succinctly.
I wish with all my heart that this new year is filled with an outpouring of unexpected blessings for you + yours. And that in the midst of suffering, you might find some joy, happiness and peace.
Always, always keep believing. Even when you feel you cannot anymore.
Please share far and wide. You never know who might need their feelings validated so they can feel less alone on planet Bereaved Parent. Entering a new year and leaving our children in the year(s) far behind can be so. painfully. hard. Knowing you’re not alone is medicine for the aching heart and soul.
xoxo, Angela
Angela Miller is a writer, speaker and grief advocate who provides support and solace to those who are grieving the loss of a child. She is the author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers: A Message of Hope for the Grieving Heart, founder of the award-winning community A Bed For My Heart, writer for The Huffington Post, the Open to Hope Foundation and Still Standing Magazine. Angela writes candidly about child loss and grief without sugar coating the reality of life after loss. Her writing and her book have been featured in Forbes, Psychology Today, MPR, BlogTalk Radio, Open to Hope Radio and Writerly, among others. When she’s not writing, traveling, or healing hearts, you can find Angela making every moment count with her two beautiful, blue-eyed boys.
Join Angela’s compassionate village at A Bed For My Heart.
Wow. That put a lump in my throat. I’ve been angry and feeling this exact same way. It’s nice to know I’m not alone even though I wish none of us had to deal with this hell.
Thank you for this.
Love and light from one angel mommy to another.
Thank you for this!! It says it all, gives words to my feelings of celebrating my 1st New Year without my oldest son Cole too!! It is the most gut wrenching, heart breaking, dream shattering event I never wanted or expected to be forced to live out! It literally has been 6mos and 1 day since losing one of the most precious gifts God granted to me for 15yrs. I pray for Hope to survive it.
Just WHY ? Put flowers on your grave it has been so long ago in yrs. but to my heart only yesterday and now your brother has the same genetic gene that took you he is an adult you are his guardian angel I know & you have to be so proud of him his accomplishment in the medical field he has a Dr. by his name he never got to know you but he talks to you so often I pray to God that I never have to bury another child all of the feelings a Mother goes thru is almost to the point of losing faith, hate, loving God and knowing in your heart that this is the only way we can go on living. Happy New Year to all of my MOM friends.
Yes, I too lost my oldest son who will be forever 38, whose brother has now surpassed him in age and whose sister will catch up in 2 years. He will always be my oldest child, the one special first child who taught me how to try to be a good mom. However I do celebrate each day of life as a gift for my children and grandchildren. Happy New Year to all of you.
Thank you for writing this it’s exactly how I feel especially today New Years Eve which would have been his 15th birthday. Hugs mama
Thank you for your candid post. We are not “allowed” to show the true face of our grief in this “hurry-up-and-get-over-it” world. I have never lost a child and would never presume to know what any of you are feeling. I have lost both parents (neither enjoyed a “peaceful” death) and I know my grief will be with me for the rest of my life. Somehow along the way I recognized the enormous creative force of my grief to shape me into someone new and with no strength to resist, I went along for the ride. While I would give ANYTHING to have my parents back, I am glad that I decided not to resist the journey. Just a thought to leave you with as we enter the new year.
Thanks so much! From One Angel mom to another it has been 11 years, since I lost my daughter. The Christmas season is the worst time for me.Sending lots of love & Healing Hugs for 2016.. Thanks for sharing straight from the Heart. <3 ,3
It’s been the hardest 7 months losing my daughter the day before her 32nd birthday and it spent get easier I wait for the day to be reunited. It’s nice to know you’re never alone.
I to lost my oldest Son, He would have been 29 this Month, I went on to have 2 more Beautiful children, My Daughter just turned 27 and my youngest turned 24 on Christmas eve. We do celebrate their oldest brother S Birthday every year by going to the cemetery,praying and putting flowers and ballons. He is our Angel and someday we will meet again!! I love you Justin
I read this thinking of my oldest son, who is fourteen months old like his twin brother and without whom I cannot imagine life. Words on a screen don’t often make me cry but this made me cry. I’m so, so sorry for your loss and that it can never be made right.
I’ve finally found someone who can truly put in words the terrific pain we have daily, ongoing, never ending. Thank you for doing this. The hardest part of losing a child is that you have to go on and pretend so that everyone else can have a normal life. It will be 15 years for me this year. It never gets easier….the pretending does but not the pain…
I lost my sister this year, tragically and unexpected. I know it’s not the same as losing a child, but our relationship was so close that it is as close to losing a child as I can imagine. And yes, I am a mother.
I feel exactly as this poem describes. I know I need to seek counseling to help me through my pain, but it also helps tremendously to know others feel exactly as I do.
Once you wear your heart and mind out trying to find a way to fix or undo this great tragedy. You are forced to accept this one can’t be fixed or undone. I takes everything you have in you to go forward. If you have other children to care for you have to be strong for them. But when all the days responsibilities are done and you are alone the tears start and there is no turning them off. Surviving the death of a child takes great strength and even more to come out of it loving and kind!
It is amazing the emotions a person can in the time I’ve taken a shower I have cursed,hated,prayed, bawled, wanted to just go down the drain and by the Grace of God I find my self reading the bible it is just a constant roller coaster. I truly believe there is a special place in heaven for us.
Thank you so much for putting in to words what I feel. I was thinking on New Years eve while I was waiting for midnight what all the new year will be brining and then it hit me like a rock thrown in my face it was not going to bring back my beautiful little girl Graeson. I have to go through another year without her here. Another year wondering what she would be doing if she was here. Another birthday and all of the holidays without her, and then I get to relive the day she went to heaven and took a piece of my heart with her. It has been just over a year since she passed away and the pain is still like no other but I keep moving on because life keeps moving on. I am so blessed though to have my two older kids because I know I would not have survived the loss if it was not for them. They are what gives me the strength to get up and live. The exhaustion that grief brings is horrible so some days it is very difficult but I do it because I have to. I will never be the same person I was before. A piece of me is gone! She was only 20 months old when she passed so I don’t have years of memories to share but the time she was here she brought so much love and joy. She touched so many people and brought so many new people in to our lives. She had a rare condition called Ohtahara Syndrome that caused her to have multiple severe seizures. She was a true warrior and fought for her life every day she was here. She taught me that no matter what life throws you have to fight to be with the ones you love. She will always be my hero. I love and miss her way beyond measure! Thank you again for sharing your journey and letting the world know that we want our angels to be remembered because they did exist but unless someone has suffered this kind of loss they would never know the horrific pain you feel. Sending you a big hug from one angel mom to another.
Dear Claudine, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious hero daughter who wasn’t given enough time on this earth or in your life. I lost my adult son over two years ago. I often think about the fact that at least I had him into his adult years. . as so many mothers have lost young babies, or children. It’s not easier, the pain is just a deep, but I do have grandchildren to cherish. . .and many good memories. I miss Mark just as much as any bereaved mother. God bless you and the memories of Graeson you hold dear. Thanking God for twenty months of joy and pride. You’ll be in the special prayers I offer for all the Angel Mom in earth.
Hi Claudine. These words really do bring it home to exactly how I feel too. We lost our Ethan aged only 15 months to SUDEP and a severe form of Epilepsy called Dravet Syndrome in May 2014. Huge hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing this blog and writing just the way I feel but can’t say the words.
In November it was 9 years since our only son, our only child was killed in car wreck.
The Truth is it doesn’t get any better. We wear our masks well.
Love to all of us on this journey.
Thank you for the words I cannot express. We lost our son 9 years ago. His birthday is New Years Eve. It was always a celebration and I try to keep the joy going for my other son, his only sibling. Your words help validate my feelings. He was and still is the love of our lives.
New Year’s Day is especially hard for me, because I lost my son on January 2. New Year’s Day 2011 was Ben’s last day on earth, so it’s a double whammy to my broken heart. Each year, I just try to survive those days without giving in to my grief & crawling into a hole to die.
I lost my 2nd eldest son Kit in 2006. I always will feel this deep…forced down deep…anguish. Everyone expects a parent to just ‘get over it…get better…move on…they’re in a better place’
If their child died do you think they’d feel that. No, neither do I…
Thank you for giving me a voice & having people understand exactly how I feel, because here we all feel the same and understanding! Xxx ????????????
It’s been just over a year since my first born and only son Patrick died. He will be forever 36. Last year at this time I would not have been able to appreciate what you wrote but trust me now I can. Thank you so much for putting such a powerful voice to our pain. ????☘????⚾
My baby sister and her youngest daughter passed from this life in March 2015! I have also lost a preterm baby boy 24 years ago! I have not walked your walk but I have suffered loss! So very sorry????! Crying and praying! Just had to put my remaining sister in a home (as I can no longer do the lifting) took care of her for 6 years! Sometimes this life is so very hard! Again so very sorry for your tragic loss ????
I lost my oldest only daughter to cancer 50 months ago. This is my fifth birthday, holidays without her. All of what this says is so true of my feelings also. I miss her so much in my life. She will forever be 43 and not one second goes by without me thinking of her. ????????
It’s such a hard pill to swallow-the loss of our 19 year old Emily almost 1 1/2 year ago….this new reality stings and hurts to the core. Yes, the mask we wear and the cliches we endure are perpetual-my heart goes out to all bereaved parents and I encourage you all to hold on to HOPE-for me, God and His peace and hope are my anchor…
From one Angel Mom to another:
This is more accurate than anything I’ve read thus far!! It’s 28 days shy of 1 year gone for our oldest Son , Austin. Forever 5 years old. His older Sister misses him so & we tell his baby brother who just turned 1 year all about his big Bro. This is just the most gut wrenching pain!!
I am making a choice to re-title this poem. F**k this dark hole of grief!! I am going to put my fist up and live for my 20 year old grandson (1st grandchild, only grandson) who died December 19, 2015 and my first born son who died a mere 6 weeks later at the age of 46. F**k this dark whole of grief that is sucking the life out of my daughter-in-law because of the loss of her first born and only son and causing my precious granddaughters to endure not just the loss of their brother, but their mom’s withdrawal and their dad’s distance. Thank you to my daughter-in-law who lost her first love and father of her children for putting her fist up and saying F**k this dark hole of grief because choosing to honor my son by putting her fist up is helping her daughters (my granddaughters) to be whole in spite of their daddy dying. I know this response is my personal way of dealing with my loss, but as God is my witness, the only thing worse than losing my grandson and oldest son is seeing this F**king black hole of grief create a living death for my other family members.