by Angela Miller
If you’re a bereaved parent, you can probably count on at least five hands the number of phrases you wish people would never, ever say to you. If only there was a way for the world to learn how to speak compassionately to the brokenhearted. What many people believe is a comforting statement, most often is not. It usually feels more like a slap in the face or a swift punch in the gut. Or like an uncontrollable need to vomit. Or all three at once. There seems to be a large gap between intention and what’s actually being communicated to those of us who are hurting.
6 THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A BEREAVED PARENT
1). TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.
Last I checked in my journey of trekking through the unimaginable, time hasn’t been working any overtime hours “healing” me. And even if on some far away planet time does heal all wounds, it doesn’t make it helpful or comforting to hear when suffering in a ditch. Alone. Without much hope or a rope.
Time can help soften and change some of the sharpness of grief, but time alone doesn’t heal. Time + focused intention can create a current in the direction of healing, but triple underline this: Not all wounds heal, no matter how much time passes. Not every wound turns into a scar. Not all suffering ends in this lifetime. Yes, in time it might scab over, but the slightest bump or scratch can make it start to bleed all over again. Ask any bereaved parent– he or she will tell you– child loss is a wound that won’t ever completely heal. No matter how much time or good intention, living a life without one (or more) of your children is a wound that forever bleeds. No matter how many band-aids cover it over time.
TRY INSTEAD: What would feel healing/helpful to you right now? ~ Is there any way I can help carry your burden? ~ What do you need most today? ~ I am with you. Always.
2). LET GO… MOVE ON.
You’d feel better if you let go/move on… You’re hanging onto him too much, that’s why you’re so sad… If you’d just let go you could start living again…
Anything that implies “get over it” will only add more unnecessary pain and hurt to a bereaved parents’ already gaping, oozing wounds. What on earth is left for grieving parents to “let go of” when they’ve already lost the most precious treasure of their entire life to death? We’ve already been forced to let go of someone who we would’ve given our own life to keep. The only thing we have left to hold onto is our child’s memory and our abiding love for him or her. And in doing so we courageously move forward, but never do we move on. Moving on implies not taking our child with us throughout the rest of our lives. When someone tells me I need to “move on/let go”, I tell them to move on from my life because I will proudly carry my son with me everywhere I go. If people have a problem with it, I have no problem letting them go.
TRY INSTEAD: Hold on to me. I’ll walk with you every step of the way. ~ No matter how painful, I’ll be with you every breath you take apart from your child. ~ Tell me about your beautiful child. What was he like? What do you miss the most?
3). HAVE FAITH.
If you’d just have faith, this wouldn’t hurt so badly… If you had a strong faith like I do, you wouldn’t still be grieving like this… If you’d just trust God you wouldn’t be suffering so much…
Guess what? Grief is not indicative of a lack of faith. Ever. So stop playing the faith card in an attempt to comfort someone who is suffering the worst human pain IMAGINABLE. Having faith doesn’t make the fact that our child was robbed from us far before her time any easier or more bearable. And it certainly doesn’t make it hurt any less, or make us feel more supported. All it does is make it more probable that someone might feel like punching you in the face. Furthermore, it shames a bereaved parent into thinking– Wow, if only I had more faith I wouldn’t hurt so much. What am I doing wrong?– which I hope is the exact opposite message you’re intending to send. Bereaved parents already feel isolated and alone in a world that predominately doesn’t understand child loss, and judging a grieving person’s level of faith by their depth of grief is not only ludicrous, it’s downright cruel. Just don’t.
TRY INSTEAD: I love you. ~ What is it like to keep living without your child?
4). EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
No. It doesn’t. Sometimes the most horrible, cruel, unimaginably awful things happen to the best, most amazing, incredibly loving people on the planet. And guess what? Sometimes life just plain doesn’t make sense. Sometimes things happen for no logical reason at all. Saying “everything happens for a reason” is possibly the fastest way to make a grieving parents’ blood boil. There is no reason good enough in all of heaven and earth that my son is buried underground while my feet continue to walk the earth.
I get that most people say this in an attempt to make sense of what is senseless, but instead let’s just state what is true: It makes no *bleepin’* sense at all. Children should never, ever die before their parents. We all want the world to feel safe and predictable, and the word child loss is the quickest way to shake the foundation of those closest to us. The thought of it is downright terrifying. It pops even the most carefully crafted safety bubbles.
The truth is, witnessing the suffering of others might break you open– possibly wide open. Let it. It’s supposed to. It’s in the breaking that our hearts can offer empathy and true support instead of false platitudes, unwelcome advice or a severed relationship that offers no comfort to your hurting loved one.
TRY INSTEAD: I’m so sorry. It’s just not fair. ~ There’s no good reason this happened. You don’t deserve this pain. I wish I could take it away from you. ~ It breaks my heart to see you suffering. ~ This is complete bullshit. I’m so sorry.
5). AT LEAST.
Any sentence starting with at least should never be spoken to a bereaved parent. Never. Ever. “At least she didn’t suffer… At least he died young… (??!!!) … At least you can have more children… At least you got as long as you did with her… At least it was quick and painless… At least you were blessed to have him at all.”
There is no at least in child loss. None. If you want to support your loved one in the best way possible, keep “at least” out of your conversations with her.
TRY INSTEAD: I miss him too. I wish he was here with us. ~What’s your favorite memory of her? ~ What helps you feel closest to him when you miss him the most?
6). BE THANKFUL/GRATEFUL.
Be thankful you can have more children (newsflash: not everyone can!)… Be thankful for your living children… Be thankful you had her at all.
Telling someone who has lost more than you can ever imagine to be thankful, is like slapping her in the face instead of hugging her. Seriously. Don’t do it. You better believe any bereaved parent in the world could school you in the art of being thankful. We’re thankful more than thankful has ever been thanked. We’re grateful for each precious moment we were blessed to have our child, and this gratitude for every single blessed moment is what keeps our heart beating. And if we do have other living children you better believe we’re thankful to the nth degree for the children we still have, but that doesn’t take away the lifelong pain of living without one (or more) of our precious children.
TRY INSTEAD: I’m thankful for you. ~ I’m thankful for your child. ~ I’m thankful for our friendship. ~ I’m thankful to witness your courage and bravery and strength.
Last week I read a quote that sums up this one quite nicely: “Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without.”
Enough said.
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ANGELA MILLER is an internationally known writer and speaker on grief and loss. She is the best-selling author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers, and the founder and executive director of the award-winning grief organization, A Bed For My Heart. After the death of her son, Angela founded A Bed For My Heart in 2013, and has given people around the world a compassionate and supportive community to express their grief and honor their children. Her article, “7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child,” has been shared over one million times. Angela’s website ABedForMyHeart.com has almost two million visitors per year, and has become a trusted resource for grieving families worldwide. She has been featured in People, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, Blog Talk Radio, Love What Matters, Listen to Your Mother, and more. Angela’s writing has comforted millions of hurting hearts around the world. You Are the Mother of All Mothers is her first book, and is dedicated to grieving mothers everywhere.
Text and images © Angela Miller 2012-2017. All rights reserved.
This is absolutely truth!!!! I love your suggestions of what to say instead….many people really don’t know what to say and that is why they end up saying the wrong thing. I think their intentions are good but since they have never walked this path, they are clueless. Hopefully, this article will be seen by those who need to see it!! I am very thankful that I have joined this group!!
Hi, Angela. We have never “met” before, and today, two people shared two separate posts of yours with me. I guess it was time.
Today is the 5-month anniversary of our son’s “heaven birthday”, and I so agree with the things you said in this post and in the one you put up on October 31st about things you’ve learned.
When I shared this post on Facebook today, I included these comments:
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I want to preface this post by saying how grateful I am for the many, many of you who have been supporting us “right.” And if you are one of those people who are never sure what to say to us, take heart: the author gives some great “dos” with her “don’ts”.
One more phrase she doesn’t talk about but which I have come to hate is “no parent should ever have to bury their child.” “Should” can imply shaming and moral judgement. Instead, try asking “how can I support you as you grapple with the loss of your child?” Bereaved parents don’t need any more guilt added on to the load they are already carrying.
If your intent is to bemoan the injustice of the universe in a child dying, say that. Be honest with how it affects you emotionally instead of deflecting your discomfort with the realities of life’s uncertainties onto the bereaved.
“It is difficult to handle the fact that he died so young.”
But since he did, bereaved parents don’t need to be told that they “shouldn’t” be burying him.
Hugs. Thank you for your honest love, care, and support. Your many heartfelt and sincere comments have kept me going during the last 5 months. Love.
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Thank you for sharing and helping others understand the grieving. I am sorry for your loss, and I understand the concept of the sisterhood we now share and wish we never had to. As your sister in the “club”, I send you a hug.
Nice to “meet” you.
This is beautiful!! Thank God I never lost a child
However, I lost husband when I was 30 and pregnant. I an now 65 and I will never “get over it” even though I have e now been married for 28 yrs
My sons face and loving heart reminder of his father.
You left out “he’s in a better place.” What better place for him than in our home?
I’m a newby to Angela Miller, but so far it has been very helpfu. My 19 year old was killed through no fault of his own on 9/14/14 and we are continuing to struggle. Everyday is a battle. I no longer cook or clean by just take up space. But when I read any of Angel’s blog, it seems like there may be light peeking through at the end of that really long tunnel. Thank you so sharing your pain and insightfulness. I’m hoping it will guide us back to the real world.
This is beautifully written and absolutely true. We lost our first child 19 years ago. We still miss him. Thanks for your words that can help people who mean well, know how to walk beside someone who is grieving.
So beautiful and so true. And so well put.
Amen to these things stated. When you get on this road it never ends. Some days speeds up and some days so slow. But still at the beginning and the end of the day you heart is shattered. Miss my baby boy Ethan Craig Russell still as much today. God bless us all with our broken hearts. Keep tissues handy at all times. Very needed.
I think the harshest things said when my son died was “I hope he didn’t go to hell” , and “I didn’t care about him, anyways, I work you know”. He was 29, and ill. I have yet to speak to those sisters. Another is what a brother texted upon finding out Mike died “hopefully you will deal with it.” Cold as ice, and out of my life now.
I’ve had all those comments said to me and more. As a grieving parent it is heart breaking. Especially when your heart is already broken. I lost my son June 13th ,2015. In an awful motorcycle accident. I get so tired of hearing you should be over it by now. I’ll never be over his death ever. He was my baby. I miss him now more than ever. I just want to smack them. I just walk away. I’ve lost some friends but that’s ok.
Time heals, period. Having lost my father and brother, “time heals” are the most honest and best words for fighting pain over time. And if time has not helped you in your grief, you are a good candidate for suicide.
Yep this is exactly what I did NOT need to hear.
Sadly people who grieve a loss so painful do take their lives. You might have empathy and try to understand why that saying “Time Heals” is on the list for grieving parents specifically. Your comment is offensive to me. An Aunt to a baby who died 25 years ago at 7 months old and whose sister (mother to deceased child) has had more suicide attempts than years he’s been gone.
I just found this blog. Number 6 resonates with me. I miscarried my only pregnancy way back in 2002, and the grief is unresolved. My boyfriend – and the father – told me to just get over it. Well, I never have, and still have trouble finding joy. I am very happy for friends that are having children, but I cannot listen to all the baby talk, it breaks my heart over and over.
Dear Angela,
Wow! You are amazing. I don’t know you and I love you so much! You write my every thought so much more eloquently then I could ever do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I lost my 30 year old son Josh on June 9, 2016 to colon cancer ( I still can’t believe this could have happened to a healthy, thriving man). He has a wife and a now 2 year old son. Your blogs and your book, ” You are the Mother of all Mothers” have been my life line. Thank you, thank you, thank you. God bless you.
Love this. For all life-loss. The “at least” statement is the absolute worst thing to say to any living human being dealing with loss. This condescending — you aren’t handling this well — you’re not thankful — #@%(*&^ …. thank you for translating all these awful statements for what they really are.
Thank you for all your words!
I am at a complete loss right now, lost in space, feeling as though I’m going to pass out. My grown son has been missing for over a year, it is now a murder investigation. I don’t necessarily believe this but the thoughts and emotions are too much. As a single woman, I really have to navigate myself by myself. I have no arms to fall into. So I sought the Internet…lol
And your words have helped.
Thank you, bless your heart
Oh Dana, I am so sad for you. Your words reflect my very own thoughts and feelings. I too am a single woman who just lost my Adult daughter. I feel nauseous, like I’m going to throw up, I too am lost in some world that has separated me from the human race. Even ‘used to be’ close friends. The range of thoughts and emotions are just horrific. I used to know who I was, I used to be the most bubbly, positive woman….but now…..I don’t know who I am, since my adult daughter took her life. I understand she was mentally and emotionally suffering, I understand she and I tried all we could……but I cannot believe the black dark hole in my Soul. I have nursed parents and in laws and a friend to their end….but nothing…..nothing….ever, prepared me for this. I, like you also sought the Internet. We always find the answers here. Yes, Angela, your words say exactly what is needed to be said. I was told today by a friend, after just 2 months into my loss, to just keep in the present and think positive affirmations. Ah! if only it where that simple. Best wishes my friend and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words for us.
Where do I start? I lost my son on Feb. 27 2017. He was murdered by his wife. The call, the night are engraved in my mind forever. The anguish of my grandchildren is unbearable. We are not only dealing with this horrendous weight of grief, but we now are dealing with court hearings, family and criminal. Every new thing I hear rips my heart out again. People now shy away from me since they don’t know what to say. I don’t need words. I need hugs and love.
A thousand times I have questions and regrets that I didn’t force him to see how she was. Some days almost start out normal, but somewhere along the way, little particles start to break it down, to filter in and remind me of this horror. People tell me to get meds, but I refuse to. I never want to forget what was done to him, who stole his life. I don’t want to forget the bloody images that are carved into my being. Lest the world forget, I will remember my beloved son.
My 7th: He is in a better place….I hear…he is better off dead! I cannot stand to hear this! Knowing that being with God is what we want, I wanted to go first not my child, he is better here on earth to live and love and be loved, to exist! This may sound selfish to some, I am a Mother with memories that I pray my brain will stay healthy to keep them alive!! until my last breath.
Thank You Amy
My 7th: He is in a better place….I hear…he is better off dead! I cannot stand to hear this! Knowing that being with God is what we want, I wanted to go first not my child, he is better here on earth to live and love and be loved, to exist! This may sound selfish to some, I am a Mother with memories that I pray my brain will stay healthy to keep them alive!! until my last breath.
Thank You Angela Miller
My daughter was murdered on Septembers 7, 2017. Everyday I miss her and I will never get over my broken heart. People say I will feel better…closure when they arrest her killer. The reality is I can’t have her back and nothing will change that. Yes, someone needs to be punished but it won’t really change my pain!